[Pavement]

I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half, and everything is going great--sure we have our ups and our downs, but we manage to compromise and work things out by discussing them.

When I was 14, I gained about 50 pounds in 6 months, and weighed nearly 185 pounds with a height of only 5'4". Currently, I'm 21 years old, and I'm 5'10" and about 130-135 pounds. Needless to say I have worked incredibly hard to get to a healthy weight, except I am still unable to see the "thin" me when I look in the mirror. I have really unhealthy habits; I tend to weigh myself 4-5 times a day, I'm a notorious calorie counter, and I am petrified of showing off my arms and my legs (which have been sources of serious self-confidence issues since I was a teen).
I know these "habits" are ridiculous, even more so that I'm graduating at the end of this year with a degree in English and on my way to becoming a teacher.

Anyways, when I'm around my boyfriend I completely reject all compliments. I hate getting naked in front of him, and even worse, I question the sincerity of his compliments. Just this weekend I went on his computer to check my e-mail and his background was a half naked photo of Scarlett Johansson. I know that this is normal, but I can't help but feel totally inadequate when I am faced with images of these perfect women. Not only that, but I am aware that he is registered to "big boob porn" sites. I only have an A cup. Not only does this make me feel worthless, but the fact that I lack having any sort of breasts makes me feel like I'm under-developed. I've never had an issue with communication--in fact, sometimes I'm too good at it.

I've told my boyfriend how I feel, but he doesn't understand where I'm coming from at all. I'm worried I'm going to lose him if I don't change my behavior and start viewing myself in a more positive light. How am I supposed to become a teacher if I need to grow up myself? It's frustrating.

I need suggestions for way to boost my self-esteem and to break my bad habits. So far I've taken away the weigh scale and I'm only letting myself weigh myself once a week. I'm trying to count less calories, but I still believe being healthy is important. I don't want to lose him.

Sorry this is so long!

[sourpuss]

The good thing is that you recognize that this is a problem that could potentially get out of control and lead to you losing people whom you care about.

One thing you can try, and it will be weird at first and very hard, is positive affirmations. Have you ever read or watched 'The Secret'? It's about the laws of attraction, you may want to pick it up. Anyway, right down some compliments in a notebook. Like: "I am a beautiful person" "I am confident" "I will be a great teacher"
Choose one a week and FORCE yourself to repeat it to yourself both silently and aloud, you may even try working up to saying it in the mirror. Repeat it at least 10-15 times a day.

The human brain is incredibly resilient and can convince itself of just about anything. Obviously, your brain has convinced you that you are over weight when you are actually very trim.

It's worth a try. Also, try looking in the mirror and forcing yourself to smile for 20 seconds a few times a day. It sounds so simple but it's actually quite difficult for someone who sees them self in a negative light.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well said Sourpuss , most know that I do this myself and I have confidence but it's important to sometimes when the world feels that it's tumbling down, or too many obsticles in your way, or you gain a little weight, you need re-assurance, "self" re-assurance, it starts with your self.

I am the "Post it Sticker Queen" haha.. true...

Needless to say I have worked incredibly hard to get to a healthy weight, except I am still unable to see the "thin" me when I look in the mirror.

Do you actually realise what you just wrote?

You have it in you to achieve, you worked on something that bothered you, and you worked hard at it and achieved.... step 1.

Step 2... what else don't you like about you?

It's time to now work on that one.

You see, when you feel that there are "SO many of them to work with, it all crashes down and you get depressed and lose self esteme, feel in-adequate, lots of things"...

But, when you work with one issue at a time, just one, step by step you can spring your step and step into the spring.

So, let's start with that, it's the only way you can change what you don't like so that you can only see what you do like ...

Step by step.

Afirmations on the mirrors. (As Sourpuss stated)

Step by step.

CW

[Guest]

I hope you will avoid getting on the treadmill of comparing yourself to images in porn.

More importantly, I hope he will avoid putting you on that treadmill by comparing you, himself.

It's fine to want to strive to look your best. And it's normal to want your partner to look his/her best.

But if your self esteem is wrapped up in making sure you look better than pictures in porn, it will always fall short.

You need to believe that you are worth your boyfriend's affection & care because of who you are, not what you look like. That's hard to do in a world that is saturated with messages to the contrary.

But it's true.

[Hopeless Dork]

I wouldn't worry about the boob thing, men tend to have a million different things that turn them on and love variety. Since he's got you live up close and personal filling his desires for the more petite chest, he can load his computer with the big boob ladies to have his cake and pie and candy and cheeze wiz and more.

If you had large breasts, his computer would probably be loaded with women with more petite chests etc.. I've come to learn that porn is not always what they ONLY want in the women they choose to look at, its what ELSE they want to fantasize about etc.

I guess they don't get to go out and sew their seed with a ton of cave chicks they hit over the head like in the old fashioned days before fire and what not, so instead they SPILL their seed onto their keyboards over everything from hairy grannies to puppets. Thank you, internet. Hehe.

You are on the right track though, you need to feel better about yourself, he chooses to be with you each and every day. He is attracted to you and more than that he cares about WHO you are as a person. Guys that grew up with the net see porn so often and so much ever since they could learn how to click a mouse, I don't think we need to worry about it all as much as we tend to do.

[WildChild]

Pick up a copy of Shad Helmstatter's book, What to Say When You Talk to Yourself, I think you'll find it helpful. People tend to voice objections to what you object to, so you have to watch it. A compliment is a gift, an appreciation and it hurts if you reject it. Have you ever tried to give someone a gift and had them hand it back to you saying, No, I don't want it? It is hurtful.

The correct response to a compliment is, "Thank You". That's it. No disclaimers, no explainations (I got it on sale - it's no big deal), just, "thank you". There are belief systems that teach the very wrong headed idea that it is better to give than receive.The truth is you need to do both - graciously. If everyone wants to give and no one is willing to recieive where does that put them? Giving feels good, if you want to help others feel good you need to not only give to them but also be willing to receive.

Guess what, no matter how attractive you are, no matter how perfect your body is (depending on your definition) there will always be someone else who you see as better. You have to love you as you are. I read a book written by a man for women about men and he made a very good point that men generally like women's bodies - in all sizes and shapes. It may be looks that create the initial draw but it's personality, intelligence and a host of other things that keep their interest - just as you might be attracted to a really good looking guy but if he is jerk it won't last.

Someone near and dear to me and very male explained the looking this way - looking at women is like looking at art, there is something interesting in most but that doesn't mean you really expect or want to do more than look. Porn really is a relatively new issue in that it's only been a couple hundred years that we've had the ability to make images with anything other than pencil or paint and only since the 80s that we've had readily available home video and even more recently we've had the ability to access anything online. When I was growing up sharing naked photos was very unusual, getting that sort of film develped was a problem and using a Polaroid was pretty obvious and pretty poor quality. Right now we are like kids sneaking cookies, some get tired of it faster than others, some end up fat lumps, some (usually sanctimonious) avoid it entirely. Anything thing taken to extremes is unhealthy and while most men enjoy some porn, they can also recognize that others take it overboard and don't have much respect for that. Unless it's obssessive it not a big deal unless you make it one.

The big boobs thing - men don't have them so they are facinated. Men and boys apparently think about stuff we don't. Just look at boys play. Little girls play house, they build things and then play with them, girl play is often fairly realtity based. Boys almost always destroy what they've made at some point, they blow things up, cut them to pieces, their heros aren't just brave, they are supermen who fly and have powers no human does, they create cars that turn into giant robots, they don't just save the farm they save the universe. Boys tend to go bigger than life in their fantasy and play, in some ways I don't think they change all that much as men. So they look at chesty morgan and drool a bit but they are quite happy to play with your A's. You are real and there. They know that what they are looking at in all those pics and vids aren't real. Watch some sometime - those women don't even fake it well, they look bored half the time.

You are real and worth being with or he wouldn't be there. But your negative self image could drive him and others away. Guys thrive on feeling like they can up your happiness quotient. Love yourself, so he can love you more. You are worth it!

[kms]

Everyone has had great advice so far - I'd just like to add that since you're in college you should take advantage of your university counseling center. It sounds like this issue is really affecting your life a great deal, so it would be very helpful to go to a professional who is trained to assist people with these issues. Self-esteem and body issues are very common problems that arise in a college environment, so I'm sure the counselors there are very familiar with working with this.

I'd like to also reiterate that you can never be everything to your boyfriend. You can however be the best at being YOU. There will always be someone with bigger boobs, a bigger butt, a skinnier waist, better hair, whatever! Yet these women also have flaws too, flaws that maybe you don't have! I struggled with this for a while with my bf (esp because he's very good-looking and confident and gets a lot of attention from hot girls all the time), until I realized that I can never have or be EVERYTHING. These other girls aren't necessarily 'better' than me either - they're just different. I'm sure your bf loves you, is attracted to you, appreciates you - while he still may be attracted to girls who are simply just different. Yet you're the one he chooses to be with, to spend his time with, to have a relationship with. When I realized this it took a huge burden off my shoulders. I was trying to achieve the impossible. Plus I realized that at the same time, he can't be everything to me either. Yet I also have chosen to love him for both his strengths and his weaknesses.

[rcoreyus]

Try an experiment. Some day greet him at the door by surprise, wearing something revealing, and carrying a bottle of champaign and 2 glasses. (or something similar). His expression will tell you right away if he finds you attractive. (I bet he does).

[Pavement]

Hey everyone, thanks for the overwhelming amount of advice!

Today I whipped out some post-it notes, and I'm about to start the whole positive reinforcement idea. I've always embraced how powerful the messages of the mind can be, but sometimes you find yourself so deep in negative comments that it's hard to find a way out of it.

I've always been a negative sort of person. I'll study for a week straight for a big exam, and I'll prepare as much as humanly possible. As soon as I leave the exam I expect the worst--why? because I know if I set my standards high and I only get a B, I'll know I will be disappointed. However, if I tell myself I might have only gotten a B- and I get an A, I feel as though I've surprised myself. This is exactly where my logic is flawed, and I know it. I need to be able to do turn this around, and implement it into other aspects of my life.

It's frustrating to have taken various courses on feminism and psychology and still be stuck in this mode of thinking. One suggestion I really liked was to start with one thing at a time--that is my problem. I try to tackle everything at once. Today in the mirror I told myself I looked beautiful, and it sounded so foreign to me. I said it to myself again when I was doing my hair.

I've never failed at anything I've ever put my mind to. I really appreciate all the advice everyone has given. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

[sourpuss]

Pavement, you just described me. Maybe I should take my own advice as well.