[ma-smile]

A 10 year abusive relationship with my son's Father has left me feeling empty and yet I'm beginning to heal. He continuously stalked me hit me (never our child) and even sexually abused me- even after I left him just after the 3rd year. Yes I called the police and yes he went to jail many times. He"s only recently moved on and a couple years ago i met someone new. Here"s the problem. I am no longer in the mood for sex and this is driving my current boyfriend away. I am old enough to know that I need "healing" time and there is nothing wrong with that but my boyfriend says that if I care about him I will have sex with him regardless even if I'm not in the mood. Should I let him go? I really feel grossed out when he touches me, even though I know it really is not about him , and I told this man right from the beginning that I was damage and needed time to heal at which time he said he"d wait "forever". I kind of feel like he"s pushing me before I"m ready yet I don't want to lose him......should I have sex with him?

[WildChild]

If you don't want it, don't have it. It sounds like you need freinds but not a bf. Let him go with affection and best wishes. It isn't fair to deprive him but he isn't right for you if he thinks you should whether you want to or not.
You are right that you need time to heal. But do take some time to examine how it is that you dion't want to lose him but feel grossed out if he touches you. You have a lot of work to do yet.

[kms]

Couple of things: first, wow, I can't imagine what a life you've been through. I'm so sorry to hear about all of that, and I simply can't imagine what a mess you must be now. It is more than understandable that sex for you is strongly associated with many bad, horrible memories - psychologically you've attached two separate things (sex and the emotions from being abused) out of pure protection for yourself. However, now that the harmful relationship has ended, you no longer have the need to protect yourself - but it will take time and a lot of work for sex to regain its rightful position as a positive, pleasurable experience for you. With that being said, I strongly recommend that you get help from a professional who can help you work through all the emotions and scars you carry from that terrible time of your life, and who can help you work through your sexual issues as well. It's such a tough, difficult, frightening burden to carry on your own, so having someone trained in these issues by your side to help you along can be immensely helpful and life changing.

The second thing I'd like to say is that yes you are right to take the time to heal and not have sex right now. But your bf is also right that he needs sex (sex is a need!) as it is a desire that he can't just turn off while you heal. Especially if his sex drive is particularly high, he may want to respect your wishes but simply can't go that long without sex. So there are a couple of options. The first is, as others have said, to let him go to be free to be in a relationship in which all his desires are being met, and so that you can be free to heal. The other option is more of a compromise - what about oral sex? It won't be exactly the same for him, but it will be some form of sex and it will do the job so to speak. I can't imagine that having forced sex with someone who doesn't want it (and thus isn't naturally lubricated - ouch on both sides!) is better than getting oral from someone who's willing and happy to do it!

While my own experience was not nearly as traumatic as yours, I did go through a bad relationship that left me completely void of a sex drive and I also hated to even be touched. I started dating my current bf then (whose sex drive is outrageously high), so the way we compromised was through oral. I didn't mind doing it, especially since I knew he was being satisfied and I was avoiding being touched. All the while, he slowly worked with me by touching me little by little here and there, gradually helping me come to the point where I am today, with a full sex drive and ready to go whenever he is. But this option takes compromise and a lot of patience. Seeing as how you've been through SO much, it may really require quite a bit of time and patience for you to pull through to the point of ever desiring sex again. Both of you have to decide whether the relationship is worth the sacrifice.

[moya angel]

u told him before so he should have been perpare for this ,how ever he as a point depending on how long he as been waiting ,its best for u to contiue ur healing if he can't wait let he go r let him date ohter pple untill u r ready but don't let him tell if u love him u would ave sex with him if u don't want to remember u ave to love ur self before u can love others, abuse scar pple for life say thank u god ad u got out before it got worse it could be worse

[rcoreyus]

I agree (I think) with wildchild and kms. You shouldn't be forced into sex, but he shouldn't be trapped in a sexless relationship. At the moment you need a good friend, not a lover. It is not your fault, and not his fault, but it sounds like this isn't the rigth time for a relationship.

[lilduck]

woah, if he's threatening to leave then open the door for him (and possible kick his on his way out). if he cared about you he'd wait. obviously not, stop wasting your time and emotions on him

[happy ending]

lilduck, i think your being a bit harsh. ma-smile it does sound like the two of you have mismatched needs and that you have some stuff you need to work through. good luck, its a long way back from an abusive realationship, i hope things work out well for you both.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

but my boyfriend says that if I care about him I will have sex with him regardless even if I'm not in the mood

But, is this man not understanding of what the OP went though?: To make demands?

Is this not "emotional abuse" ? Okay, you could say "frustration" on his behalf and therefore, correct mismatched, there is baggage, damage goods, and the only man that can handle that is one in love, whom can comprehend and be patient... In my opinion..

CW

[rcoreyus]

I don't think it counts as emotional abuse. He has not married her, there is no lifelong commitment. If sex is important to him in a relationship, I think it is reasonable for him to leave. On the other hand, I think he should leave, not threaten to leave.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It's 50/50 in my book what has marriage got to do with emotional abuse?

If a person, places thoughts into someone's mind, for the benefit of themselves, and constantly makes threats and belittles them, makes them feel back, it's emotional abuse.

Would be interesting therefore, if there are other comments made to her, other than just "if you don't sleep with me, I'm leaving"...

Are there other comments that make you feel bad that he makes?

CW