[just_blog_me]

hey, I'm the mistress. Gotta go so I'm going to make these quick facts known... please reply!
- I have been messing with this guy for like 8 or 9 years now
- before he was married I saw the girl, but lied about who she was
- they have a child
- i attended the wedding
- he has tried to incorporate me in anything that he can ie. babysitting etc
- the wife now calls on me wow!
- i think she knows
- he says she doesn't give him sex, she's been raped, I think she needs counseling!
- i need help to walk away from the situation, I know I'm wrong but the feelings are stong.


please keep in mind that I am open to all comments, but any advice given should be mindful that most things are easier said than done, and if you display the wrong type of attitude-YOUR POINT IS NEVER PROVEN.

I've come here for help. cause this is sooo so so weird.

[WildChild]

You went to the wedding? Wow, how did that feel?

THINK about this, how much could he REALLY care for you? While seeing you, being involved with you, he courted, married and had a child with another woman?! What an ego trip for him - having his mistress at his wedding, having you babysit his child. Having his wife calling you....

In addition to stringing you along, two timing you with her and/or her with you, he lied about who she was when you first saw her. She must be having some sex with him -or was the baby by artificial insemmination? He is lying to her everyday, bet he is lying to you too. What is it that is so attractive about this man? It isn't his veracity or honest straight forward manner.

Do you have insurance? Maybe some counseling would help you see why you are willing to take this role and help you find the strength to walk away. This isn't a polyamorous situation because it isn't open and honest between all involved, no good can really come of this ultimately. Do you think he will eventually leave her for you? If he wanted that he wouldn't have married her most likely. Would you want him if he did leave her, knowing all the lying he has been doing?

You know what you need to do. You stated it already.

[rcoreyus]

It is always difficult to judge someone else's situation. Maybe if his wife isn't willing to have sex with him, she doesn't mind if someone else does (even if she won't admit it). While most people mind, there are some who don't care. Maybe you can ask him straight out what the situation is.

I'm not saying I approve - or disapprove, just that life can be very complicated, and it is unfair to pass judgement on someone without knowing everything.

Could you live with a situation where you just have sex with him, but he never leaves her?

[just_blog_me]

Wild Child, yes to the wedding, it felt horrible, and my mind kept refusing to realize it was a wedding instead of a funeral... until the wife actually was standing in front of him about 8 feet, he was staring at me.. all who knew of us noticed. I cried, pretending tobe happy, I cried. I went to show my support to him because we have always been close as friends. And no he can't really care for me or her either... maybe that's the point... somewhere along the way I've learned to separate myself from others (a whole other issue) and him going somewhere where he can't call every minute is kinda okay, oddly enough. And of coarse she'd had sex with him but... she's said it herslf, that she is not used to him being home everyday all day, maybe just like 1ce or 2wice every 3 months.... During this time of their relationship, ours was growing stronger (to me), we taked more, and he opened up more. Honestly I don't know what attracts me to him other than things that are physical. There maybe a problem there... Yes and No, about me seeing him leave her for me... NO! I wouldn't be with him though, just because of how he does her.

Rcoreyus: Bingo! these are my thoughts on what the wife feels exactly... but it's so weird...I have asked him, he said that she said better me than anyone else... (I CAN NOT BELIEVE everything that comes out of this mans mouth, so this on is if'y). But seeing that someone share's my views on the situation... maybe there is hope. No, I can't live in a situation like this... and that is why I've come for help.


25 female

[CHANDLERS WISH]

So your 25 years of age and that therefore means that you met him at a very young age, 16, 17 and I assume, that he is the only man that you have slept with?

This poses two problems with how to get out, 1) that you were a Virgin before him? and 2) that you bonded with this person and only this person, and so you know nothing else, excepting the word maturity in which you have grown especially the last five years and see things in a different manner.

Also he "chose" not to marry you, rather he married her, is he older than you?

Your relationship I suspect has kept you away from people, to a degree, life to a degree, fun, hobbies. You state in your thread that people that knew you both "knew why you cried" but also, that you've learned to separate yourself from people, I beg to differ and say " feelings", you have "tried" to separate yourself from feelings so that you can deal with it.

I am also gaining the impression he may be a bit of a loser and doesn't work at all, hasn't worked a decent job, has nothing to offer, yet you stay, yet she stays. Was she pregnant when he married her?

Physcologically, it's smart on his behalf to have you befriend the wife, by being a baby sitter, you get to know the child and again, ( a second bond) whilst maybe befriending the wife, and therefore "feeling sorry for her".

This is very toxic and it's good that you have decided to get some feedback and help as to how.

If you were to leave he will try to convince you otherwise, as 8,9 years of having two women is also hard for him to give up.

He can't comprehend the word love, or else he couldn't bed two women that long, he can comprehend the word "care".

Failing saying "it's over, that's it" and changing your phone number and moving address, only to fall back into the only pattern you know, you should get out there and start living.

I know that that is hard but it's often the only way you will eventually really be able to close the door, by meeting people, by changing your life patterns, by meeting other guys, by seeing what totally is out there in "life" and from that, slowly you see the life your in and don't want it and feel less for this person, to a degree of almost discust.

You are already at the beginning of that feeling I think.

CW

[WildChild]

What kind of work do you do? Have you been to college?

You don't have any children of your own and so aren't tied down there. Why not find a way to make a completely new start? Maybe do something completely different -like teaching English in Korea or some place like that. I mention Korea because they are on a huge push for their people to be proficient in English and I've seen ads. They pay your travel, housing and a salary. There are a lot of opportunities of this type. It would get you completely away from this situation and give you time to heal while on real journey of discovery. Maybe give it some thought?

It would be a good idea to really remove yourself so he can't work round you to try to pull you back in. I've known women who literally gave their lives to a man this way as a mistress, never having a holiday with them, spending vacations and birthdays alone, always on the sidelines. You don't want that! You don't have to have a man in your life, you need to live YOUR life!

[just_blog_me]

everyone is exactly correct, and I see that this is corretion, I take it as wise advice, which is something that I can't get from my homegirls because they know me... Thank you...
wow this is gonna be sad, walking away from him, and his family, leaving the double life that I live... wow.. and I haven't secluded myself because of this guy it's just a reflex from haveing both parents die... I learned that people you care about WILL LEAVE... point blank. And no I wasn't a virgin but we grew up together, and the friendship bond is THICK... more often then not it just ends in passionately love making, like really really passionate, like I've never had before. Yeah he may be smart to have me be his wifes friend but that is the part that scares me. Cause if she ever finds out that is DOUBLE betrayal... sad part is I'm here now... been here since like the middle of the afternoon, and if any of his pets talk during judgement day, or before...THAT'S A DONE DEAL.

any help on where I should be mentally when I decide to make my major exit???
Thank you