[Guest]

hey guys. i have been in this forum for awhile now; and you guys have given me so much advice and just hope that everything is gonna get better. ... so i come to you folks again with this....

last night was my one year with my bf. i didn't know he had anything planned. so i was kinda just playing it by ear. so we get to his apt after work. and we are just hanging out.. then his mom calls.

(a little background on his mom....she just moved here; and feels lonely she doesn't have any friends. she's been here about a month give or take. the day before he spent time with her the day before and told her our anniversary was the next day)

so he talks to her and she has a problem with her computer. and asks if she could come over. he politely says well, its my anniversary. can it wait til tomorrow. then she gets defensive and starts assuming we don't like her and that she's bothering us. n stuff. so he gets off the phone a little irritated. and then i convince him to call her back because she probably feels neglected. and so he calls her back. i don't know what their conversation was but it basically he said she was crying so much and that she was giving him somewhat of an attitude. and she did a low blow. and so he comes out of the room. and by this time its around 9pm... he says she's coming over. and at that point i completely give up any plans and get numb. she comes over and he fixes her computer...she didn't leave until 15 minutes before midnight. so he gets ****ed. and im upset.

so my question is that i understand that she feels lonely. but i mean if you know its your sons anniversary and he says that he can fix it tomorrow. and you get upset cause he can't fix it RIGHT THEN AND THERE; is that pretty selfish? or am i wrong? cause after she left i was defending her. but now the more i think about it...the more i am ****ed. he says its not only my day it was our day. and that if the role were reversed and he was with her on her bday; she would be ****ed off beyond belief!

the more i think about this the more i get ****ed. and upset. i mean the day before he didn't really want to hangout with his mom and i said you should go because in the back of my mind its my anniversary tomorrow and what i didn't want to happen ...happened. and we don't celebrate the whole month-anniversary or even valentines day. and this was one day.. ONE day!

[Guest]

oh. and also. i could be wrong on this one. but if you feel like you have to have your computer fixed right then and there and have no regards for your son's anniversary that he told you a day before ... it just seems like she doesn't respect me or our relationship. or am i just over-reacting?

[WildChild]

Does sound like a respect issue among other things. Are you engaged? She may not see this as a serious relationship. It's going to be up to him to set boundries with her and keep them. When you are planning a romantic time, phone should be off, unless you have some compelling reason to leave them on (like a sick child). Good luck with this, hopefully mom will make some friends and get too busy to bother.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Self centred, absorbed with herself, her own pains.. To cry just because her son wanted to wait another day, shows also insecurity of her relationship with her son, perhaps he's the only one "left".... Dad is no longer in the picture, she has no close girlfriends, she is wallowing in her own pain.

Lots of people celebrate their anniversary on an alternative day due to work, make this the same.. Don't miss it, that would be wrong, plan it for this Saturday and go and do something.

As for Mum, start forming a plan there too, whereby for instance, you go there once a week for dinner, she comes to your home, so she can see you two as a "couple", and then when you want to do something, you can say, sorry can't but see you here tomorrow night for dinner.

Fill a void, but live your lives in other words.

CW

[Guest]

yeah. the thing is that we as a couple and himself have hungout with her (play board games, talk...etc) almost everyday since she got here. she did leave a lot back home. so i understand the feeling of loneliness, she is under a lot of stress. i personally think that she feels alone because she's retired and doesn't do much during the day. and naturally when him and i get off of work we just want to relax. especially now because we are both in a lot of stress at work. i am getting more tasks and responsibilities assigned to me so i want to do my best of course. and well you folks know how my bf's boss is. (its getting somewhat better now )

she likes to talk. and im one of those people that we don't have to talk. i just enjoy that person's company. we tell her maybe she should go out and go the seniors center or go to the beach. she'll be like ok one day and depressed the next. i feel bad for her because i know she's going through a lot. but i can't help the fact that if this continues to happen my relationship with her which i love; will start to wither.

[Guest]

also, i've suggested to him that hey, maybe she just wants to hangout with you alone. which is fine with me. and so i suggest maybe you guys should spend a weekend together. he says no. so i mean at least im trying. ....

btw. we aren't engaged. i personally don't like the "marriage" part but cohabitation is cool. and we both feel that way.

[WildChild]

I'm curious, why did she make this move? Who's idea was it? Did she leave a lot of freinds behind? Is she in need of help physically?

[Karma3]

His mother probably is lonely and insecure about her son spending time with you, but whatever, doesn't matter, these are her problems.....NOT yours, and this is probably the beginning of what's to come. If you don't nip it in the bud....this is going to become your problem. Trust me, been through it! She will start breaking your boyfriend down with guilt. I like the suggestion of on a certain day of the week, go over and visit. Get in a routine. Anything out of this routine should be off limits to her. If she's anything like my boyfriends mother, she will keep calling and calling, with the attitude "what about me? what about me?" Get call display and don't answer when she calls. If it's important, she can leave a message and he can call back when it's suitable. We've taken this route (not all the time) but depending on what's going on in his families life that's what happens. His mother actually has her kids programmed that when she's gone, my boyfriend will only have his sister left in his life (even though he has kids and me). His sister is totally wired this way, and tries to push me out of her brothers life.
I used to be accommodating like you, telling him to call his mom back etc., but it only backfired on me. My boyfriends mother is annoyed with him because he's "too happy".
You sound like a person who is not familiar with selfish people, and let me tell you, selfish people will stop at nothing to get their way.

[Guest]

I'm curious, why did she make this move? Who's idea was it? Did she leave a lot of freinds behind? Is she in need of help physically?

she made the move because she's had a bad experience with people and ex-husbands back home. she visited last time for a week. and then decided that she only has her son left she would move closer. she's pretty healthy actually; aside from old age. ya know... arthritis..joint pains stuff like that; nothing major
when she came and visited she was cool and we talked on aim. and this is the first time i've seen her like this. my bf and i were talking about what happened and i told him that i couldn't get his mom off my mind. he said to get her out of my mind and that not to feel guilty because she tricked me and him by making us feel guilty... now im just ****ed. and last night when we tried going out to dinner for our anniversary; according to him she sounded a little upset when he told her that he's not going to drop off the computer. ( we didn't end up going out because...the restaurant closed lol)

so i guess he wants to talk to her because what she did wasn't right.

[Guest]

so just an update: they talked and i found out that she knew that if she acted that way she would get her way. she admitted it. that's ed up. now i don't even feel bad for her. whatever.