[princessj]

I've had the same boyfriend for a bit over five years and love him to death, but I am very concerned about some of his actions! I don't live with him, but we often sleep together and I sometimes wake up to him basically having sex with me. Initially I would remove him from inside of me and continue to lay there lifeless as if I were sleep, but he'll just stick it back in and keep going. This hasn't happened often over the last 5 years (started about 3 years ago), but I have addressed this problem with him and he incessantly apologizes and then does it again. I feel so degraded by this!

He tells me that he feels as if I don't want him, but I think that's just a ploy. I try to make advances towards him during the day and he tends to try to avoid contact. He'll sit around all day watching tv and playing games (he does have a life work and school) and I don't complain because I understand that he wants down time, but then he sanders into bed at 1 am while I am sleeping and decides that he wants some "us" time. No foreplay, no I love u, not even a kiss all the while I'm laying there like I'm sleeping, he even goes as far as to position me on top of him as he ccontinues to thrust into me (I dont engage at all)

I just don't understand. When we are on the same page I feel so happy with him but I don't understand how and why he keeps doing this to me. I need advice! I recently asked him to get help and he tells me that this is someting that he can handle on his own, but I'm no longer sure tht it is.

[rcoreyus]

That is odd and disturbing behavior. Do I understand correctly that he turns down sex during the day, and only wants it while you are asleep?

Maybe he doesn't want to be "bothered' with foreplay and thinks he can avoid it when you are sleeping. In that case he is selfish - and is missing out on some of the best parts of sex. If so, dump the bum.

Maybe it is some sort of fetish. Sounds odd to me, but I guess there are men who get off on feet, or wearing women's underwear, so maybe he has a "sleep fetish". I don't know what you would do in that case, but at least it might help understand.

In any case the behavior is bother you (and it should!), so if he doesn't stop, you have every reason to leave.

[princessj]

???

Has anyone else ever experienced something like this? I know it's an unusual behavior but am I alone in this and if not what have u done to prevent this?

[Hopeless Dork]

I wonder like RCorey if it isn't some sort of fetish. I am sure there are people that fantastize about someone sleeping, or maybe its even more elaborate of a fantasy than that... possibly a bit creepier? lol.. I can think of a handful of things : roleplaying sex with a coma victim? a dead person? a rape fantasy? or just a sleeping beauty...

Or he might just be entirely selfish and lazy and wow... that isn't cool at all. Do you enjoy sex with him, does he seem to enjoy sex with you.. when you two actually have it consentually?

It sounds like you are talking to him about it if you have asked him to stop, have you asked HIM yet as to why HE thinks he does it?

[golden_nemesis]

I think it is pretty apparent that your approach of not engaging at all and pretending to sleep is not an effective deterrent. I would try responding, start kissing his neck, stroking his chest, maybe pulling away from him, but then go down on him. Turn it into real sex, and see how he responds. Plus, if you do this every time he tries to have sex with you sleeping, it may take away the fetish feeling that may be what he is after, and leave you be.

My partner often wakes me up in the middle of the night by going down on me, but her is usually doing it in his sleep, LOL, and has no recollection of it in the morning. Every once in a while he'll wake up during and we will have sex, but usually his body turns off after about a minute, and nothing I can do will wake him up. So I just pounce him in the morning.

[Little]

Actually, there is a small thread from a few years ago with the same problem: https://www.womens-health.com/boards...y-husband.html
(Members were quite rude to one another in this thread ... shouldn't be considered proper behavior on this board, and insulting posts like go on in this thread would be deleted now. However, I thought in case nobody on the board has had an experience with this, you would feel better knowing you weren't the only one.)
As you can see in that thread, there are many different possible points of view on what your boyfriend is doing, from rape to just "being horny." You know him better than we do and more importantly, you know your feelings better than we do. If it makes you uncomfortable and he won't stop, that should be a dealbreaker. It sounds like he uses sex for control (as many men and women do; it's an obvious conclusion to the many threads we see here about sex between spouses/partners.)
I hope you find the best conclusion for you.

[princessj]

I think it is pretty apparent that your approach of not engaging at all and pretending to sleep is not an effective deterrent. I would try responding, start kissing his neck, stroking his chest, maybe pulling away from him, but then go down on him. Turn it into real sex, and see how he responds. Plus, if you do this every time he tries to have sex with you sleeping, it may take away the fetish feeling that may be what he is after, and leave you be.

My partner often wakes me up in the middle of the night by going down on me, but her is usually doing it in his sleep, LOL, and has no recollection of it in the morning. Every once in a while he'll wake up during and we will have sex, but usually his body turns off after about a minute, and nothing I can do will wake him up. So I just pounce him in the morning.

LOL thanx. I n ever thought of that b4. I'm always so wrapped up in wondering how he can keep doing that to me when i asked him to stop that i dont think about engaging cuz im ****ed off. seems likewe both have some work to do. i just dont know where to start and he doesnt seem to be trying... it just seems so creepy to me. just dont know if its worth a break up after 5 whole years of fidelity!!!!

[sourpuss]

LOL thanx. I n ever thought of that b4. I'm always so wrapped up in wondering how he can keep doing that to me when i asked him to stop that i dont think about engaging cuz im ****ed off. seems likewe both have some work to do. i just dont know where to start and he doesnt seem to be trying... it just seems so creepy to me. just dont know if its worth a break up after 5 whole years of fidelity!!!!

Just because you've invested 5 years is no reason to stick around. Think of it as cutting your losses. You need to speak up when it actually happens, don't just passively lay there. His behavior is completely unacceptable.

[blondie80]

I wouldn't accept this from a guy, fair enough if every now and then you wake up having sex but when they are doing this on purpose when you are sleeping its different especially when you have asked him to stop, i had a partner that done this once or twice to me as well mind you we were together for ten years and it annoyed the daylights out of me and scared me to a degree too it was a horrible feeling.
I still cant say why he done it but this guy turned out to have serious problems it could very well be a fetish thing but at the end of the day its about how it makes you feel and if you dont like it why stay for more? If he isn't willing to have sex with you at times when your awake why put up with it?

[desperate for help]

from a guys point of view i have done this before but it was orally waking my wife up and it was romantically done with lit candles and flowers laying on the pillow beside her.to me it sounds like your guy is more into rape more than anything.it is also a fetish thing that is out there they call it sleep violation.be careful a friend of mine had her boyfriend doing this and then she found out later he was posting on the net thats why i know about the fetish thing.run now and find someone to treat you like a real women.

good luck