[ThexMrs]

This is very personal for me. I don't know that I want to discuss this or rather just read any responses available. I'm not sure what I am looking for. Maybe a kind word? Maybe advice? Maybe just acknowledgment that I can feel this way?

January 2009 - I was raped by a friend of three years.

I haven't spoken to this person (besides one email I sent after the incident) until tonight. I had gotten a couple of emails from his email account, none of which addressed the situation. It was starting to really anger me. I unblocked him on my Messenger because I wanted to address the unwarranted emails. Maybe in the back of my mind I hoped we would talk about what happened though I had no clear train of thoughts.

This is what our conversation was...

I changed his username to "He" for his privacy.
I changed the swear words so that it wouldn't be edited either.

Lindsay says:
Why are you emailing me random *bleep*?

He says:
huh?

Lindsay says:
That's twice now.
I've gotten two emails of random *bleep* from you about electronics and some other bull -*bleep*.

He says:
what's twice now?

Lindsay says:
^^^

He says:
did my account get hacked or something...i have no idea how that happened

Lindsay says:
I don't know.
It's your account.
I just find it strange.

He says:
I was recently getting spam messages from a friend of mine...

Lindsay says:
Well I dont' know. I deleted it.
don't*

He says:
I want to apologize for how I acted when I visited you...I felt really terrible about it and didn't know what to say, thats why I've been out of touch

Lindsay says:
Interesting.

He says:
I was a total *bleep* that night and it was completely inexcusable

Lindsay says:
Yes, you were.
If I say no, it means no.

He says:
I'm ashamed of what I did

Lindsay says:
And yet it's taken over 4 months to say anything.

He says:
I didn't know what to say

Lindsay says:
And that makes it okay?

He says:
No

Lindsay says:
Well?

He says:
There is no excuse for what I did, I was ashamed of what I did and didn't even know how to approach you after I did it

Lindsay says:
How about when I emailed you? You couldn't approach it then?

He says:
when did you email me?

Lindsay says:
Either the next day or a couple of days later and I told you how it made me feel.

He says:
last email i have from you is march 8 2008

Lindsay says:
I emailed you.
I have a copy of it printed off.

He says:
Gmail?

Lindsay says:
No.
Hotmail.

He says:
oh
i never use my hotmail

Lindsay says:
?
So you haven't checked it once since January?

He says:
no
i only used my hotmail and yahoo accounts to set up my MSN and Yahoo instant messenger accounts

Lindsay says:
Alright.
It doesn't matter.
I just... I feel appalled.
You've known me for three years.
I don't get it.

He says:
Thats why I feel so terrible about what I did

Lindsay says:
Saying sorry is NOT enough.

He says:
I know that

Lindsay says:
Then what?

He says:
I know that there is no way to recover from what I did
There is nothing I can do to make it OK

Lindsay says:
You really even care?
You weren't man enough to face me about it.

He says:
the best I can do is tell you that I know what I did was wrong and I feel terrible about it
I do care
and you're right I wasn't man enough to face you

Lindsay says:
I don't know what to say.

He says:
it was a terrible mistake all I can do is say I'm sorry, I know its not enough but there really isn't anything more that I can do

Lindsay says:
I guess.
Sorry isn't ever going to make it okay.

He says:
I know
and I think thats part of the reason I didn't contact you afterwards I knew that what I had done couldn't be "sorryed" away

Lindsay says:
An apology then would have made you look like less of an *bleep* hole.

He says:
probably but less of an *bleep* hole is still an *bleep* hole

Lindsay says:
Very true... My opinion of you is so disgustingly low.
I'm really at a loss.
It's like I want to go off on you and really tell you how I feel but what's the point? That won't change what happened.

He says:
no it won't
I f'd up
I f'd up really REALLY big

Lindsay says:
What would your friends and family think of you if they knew?

He says:
Do you really even need to ask?
the answer is pretty obvious

Lindsay says:
I'm glad you know that.

He says:
well, there really isn't anything more to say is there?

Lindsay says:
I guess not.

He says:
goodbye

Lindsay says:
Bye

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well my take on that?

He's genuine, but it's not enough..

He feels that by saying all of that, he can breathe, but he can not...

He is trying to use the apology to free himself .

He states he has one address only that he uses? USE IT..

Tell him, all the aplogises in the world for what you did, considering I trusted you, knew you for 3 years, doesn't and never will let you off the hook of me remembering, your sorry means nothing... Never, fall asleep not remembering, because whilst i may remember and feel for ever so will someone else, and she will report it...

Best be warned, that this will not end with us, rather, whom you are.

I hope that that type of reply will stop the cycle... I am so, ****ed that you felt it, but Lindsay? There is no excuse for when someone say NO.. None....

You have your way but no man has the right to have his unless you agree.. Granted, be careful not to put yourself into the position, but it's still no excuse.

He has taken blame so he knows... But he's still a coward, because he feels closure, I think... He said sorry and he has closed the door, keep it open...

Make him see... He needs to reallly see.

You don't have to respond to this thread, rather read and think..

I will say again...................

However...........................

Do NOT put yourself in the position...........again.......

It's time to see DANGER and PAIN............ you need to start to see that sweet...

CW

[WildChild]

I've dealt with forcible rape, a long time ago but it doesn't leave you. His applolgizing will help, it may not seem like it right now but it will. It's true there is nothing that he or anyone else can do to make it right, ok, or to undo what was done. However you can move on and now that he mas made an appology it will be easier.

You have to forgive and let go. Not for him but for you. By forgiving you essentially hand it back to him, you don't have to carry it any more. In my own case which was a gang rape, several of them appologized within a couple of days but the one that really hurt and was to hardest to deal with was my supposed bf at the time. We never spoke of it or essentially ever spoke again although we were in school together for four years and had a class together. While on some levels I had dealt with it I didn't fully let it go until I forgave him.

I did a lot of writing, using a technique John Grey describes in his books, which helped. But it was finally writing the guy a note of forgiveness that made the big difference for me. Yes, I mailed it, no return address or contact becasue I wasn't opening a dialog. It was a simple note, no anger, no demands, no dumping, just I forgive you, Doing that made a huge difference for me, it was like setting down some great big rock I'd been lugging around. I really encourage you to do this because you need to be able to really hand it back to him so you don't have to carry it. It makes healing a whole lot simpler.

[Hopeless Dork]

I admire your courage for confronting him and being able to verbalize, even in text, how what he did made you feel. You are strong and brave and never let anyone take that from you.

I had a date rape thing sort of as a new teenager, it was more forced oral - stupid stupid thing for the guy to do when I think about it now - but I was compliant. I kept saying I didn't want to but he was yelling at me and telling me what I was going to do and kept grabbing me by the neck and pulling my hair. He was my age, a cousin of a guy that went to my school, that I would see at parties mostly but we never talked much - he was goodlooking, I always thought he was so cool and he just changed in an instant.

I never saw him again after that night until 4 years later, I was a senior in high school working in a fast food restaurant and he came in as a customer. He recognized me and acted like we were old pals, like nothing ever happened. So many emotions were running through me - I had often thought of wanting to tell him what a jerk he was, but I didn't.

I too acted like nothing ever happened. He even asked me for my phone number "we should keep in touch" he said. Guess what? I gave it to him. What a mess I was back then.

Be proud of yourself that you have the courage a lot of us don't have. I am a grown woman now and when I was assaulted last year I said nothing then either. Some are weak, I am one of the weak.

He may not have given you the answers you seek, but no answers , no appologies, nothing would change what he did and how it affected you. You, however, telling him this must lift such a burden from your shoulders.

[Joy]

Forgiving him doesn't change what happend nor does it let him off the hook. It frees you to allow yourself to heal and not carry the blame. I had a similar circumstance many years ago I said not but my "friend" thought I owed him since he had picked me up a few times for a few different parties we both were attending.

I was lucky i had great friends and anytime there were social gatherings he was attending and he tired to do anything helpful for any of the women including me there he really wasn't allowed they told him they didn't want to Owe him anything. He never apologized infact he bragged about it to other guys which is odd cause it wasn't anything magic that is forsure.

You are very brave and I hope you find closure and healing.

[ThexMrs]

Thank you everyone.

[mr.mansview]

sometimes it makes me ashamed to be a man..thankfully we are not all like that..

[ThexMrs]

New development:

I don't know what my problem is but have at it and let me know if you have an opinion.

I saw him online again about a week ago. I unblocked him and asked if I could speak to him. He said yes so we started talking. I flat out asked him if he would ever be able to be friends with me again. He was very surprised. (So am I. Why do I want to be friends with him?) I told him that if in his heart he felt we could be friends again that I would like to try it. He told me that he wants to but that if we were to hang out (which is what I am going for) he would be very uncomfortable knowing what he did. I told him that we should just try it.

I don't know what I am doing!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Maybe sub-consciously you have had enough of abusers, rape, etc and see a way of using this as closure?

I have one fear with all of this and so I am going to ask a question you can answer or not..

Would you sleep with him?

I am of the understanding that, you "should" forgive someone, because it sets you free to be you. But, befriending them? You've got me a bit stumped, i am trying to work out why I would do that, put myself in your shoes.

I can see the first paragraph I just can't see why / how you can hang out other than the fact that you no longer see him as an abuser, felt sorry for his reaction that he gave you last time... That's forgiveness but you shouldn't befriend i can't see that as a benefit, i'm rabling, lol, I am so trying to see here... I can only see that you forgive and maybe think this will make you "forget?"..

CW

[ThexMrs]

Wow... Would I have sex with him? Before I answer, I'm not sure what you're getting at and I would like to know. (Honestly, I have thought about this) I'll tell more once I understand how it correlates, exactly.