[CHANDLERS WISH]

Linds, you want the power back.....

That he took away from you, and you have an opportunity over the rest of what happened to you, because, this time, this guy said "sorry" and so you know you have control and you have used " power" from that day onwards with your dates, remember, you went on one and "controlled" whom you were going to go home with, which wasn't your date....

It's control....

You don't need to... You have already won.. You alreadly made him feel like rubbish... You won.

That is my answer.

White witch as you know. CW

[ThexMrs]

Yes, I do have the control. I have exercised control ever since this happened. This is the last time that something like this is going to happen to me. (I hope and assume) I'm not worried about having control with him. I don't think that he would ever do something like this again. I feel like a part of me misses the friendship that we had but how good could it have been for him to act the way he did? 3 years of friendship with him. I only have two other friends that I've had for that long and those two are both my exes.

I think I am missing something. Why does having sex with him or not having sex with him matter in this situation? I can or I cannot. I will or I will not. I'm just not sure what the connection is. (No, I don't plan to have sex with him by the way)

[CHANDLERS WISH]

This is control over everyone that has ever done anything... You have indeed exercised control, you have made him apologise, feel bad...

Making him your "friend" is okay what you missed from the past a guy that you trusted for 3 years, whom found you attractive and crossed the line...

If you don't see the sex, then your control is not about dominering rather, wishing for that friend back,

If he says "hanging out with you know would be hard", he sees sexual.

I will say having answered that and I love you for you Lindsay, you answer everyone, everytime, with what ever you feel... You speak and be honest... But, don't go down that path... You have had your closure, he hurt you and did not remain a friend, he does not deserve then a friend, all you feel is the missing of a Male friend that stuffed up.

You have others.

You do hold these men in high aclaim because women in your life dont' understand and men do all you want from them, is their honest friendship.

When one crosses that line, he is no longer acceptable as a friend.

Does that make sense?

CW

[ThexMrs]

Yes, that makes perfect sense. I suppose you are right. I don't need a friend like that. The other men that have done this to me, one in particular (an ex boyfriend) I forgave for myself but ended the relationship and did not befriend him. The uncle, I am congenial with but don't go out of my way to talk to him, same with the cousin. (Not my family members, my brother's girlfriend's family members) Thinking about this, I'm surprised that of all of these men, he is the one that I want back in my life. I'm actually confusing myself.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Look at your picture your a sexual person..

Look at your persa.. (how ever you spell it) you want what you want.

I am quite proud of you because your not weak.

Sometimes though your actions are " I dont' give a shirt" and for that I say, you need that respect give it to others.

I think that you really trusted him, (3 years) and i think that you respected him and you felt safe, and i think that you miss him ( that guy) but you need to remember, he crossed the line....

He knows it you know it, what you miss was that friend was pretty cool and you liked that.

He changed that Lindsay....

And between us and Ace and others here at least as internet go, we have developed a "female relationship" which you have never had, but it can be there.

Be friends on MSN but never meet again, he crossed the line, no diff from your family members that did love....

Enjoy your new friendships and realise that Dr/CW/Ace/ male/female actually are here...

Amongst others, you are ok.....

CW

[ThexMrs]

Yes, I cannot lie. I am a very sexual person. I always have been.
You're also right, I do want what I want.
And sometimes I do have the attitude that I don't give a shhhh.

You read me very well.

I'm not a selfish person though. I can say that very confidently. I would give the shirt off of my back. I've always put others before me. It's been lately that I have gotten the attitude that I don't give a shhhh. I'm not sure what it is. I honestly don't know what happened to me.

If I don't have him in my life physically, I don't want him just on MSN. It's not the same to me. Then again, in all reality, nothing will ever be the same with him. I know that somewhere. Like you said, he crossed the line.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Because you have given till the cows come home and stated "this is how it is" and been confident, but people don't listen.

Don't stop on the giving side, what comes around goes around....

You do want him back, I have said that, Linds.. but you can't have him back in the capacity that you want and you know that, he knows that and so let it go..

Hard and I am sorry.. but it's reality...

One day, a friend can take, he knows of your sexuality and sees. You are friends and so you express... He takes.. He is no longer a friend... He became gready.... He knows and feels bad but love, it's over.....

Go on from here...

CW

[ThexMrs]

Yes, you're right.

I guess this is it.

*shrugs*

[LiveInNirvana]

Hey there sweetie I just needed to write to you after reading this. I live in New Hampshire and work at a rape and domestic violence crisis center. I unfortunately did not have the time or energy to read through everyone's replies to you so if this is repetitious I apologize. I did however read EVERYTHING you wrote and want to tell you a few things.

First off, I am sorry this happened to you. You did nothing wrong, he did.

Someone said he seemed genuilenly apologetic, and I need to argue with that idea, one we are reading online, it's relatively easy to write a bunch of words and to seem "genuine". Second he seems to be minimizing the impact he had on you Lindsay.

Lindsay says:
Alright.
It doesn't matter.
I just... I feel appalled.
You've known me for three years.
I don't get it.

He says:
Thats why I feel so terrible about what I did

The above statement frightens me dearly, he says that knowing you is why he feels terrible for what he did... raping ANY ONE is not okay. It seems as though he thinks just because he knows you he knows it's wrong.

Second. Through out the entire conversation he seems to minimize and lie, the idea that he really hasn't checked his e-mail since January of 2008 seems ridiculous to me and very doubtful. As well as his account being "hacked" if it indeed were you would not be the first person to say something to him about it.

Third. You seeking him out is not at all strange. To folks who don't understand assault it seems contradictory but it makes sense. You were close to this man, and have seen the positive aspects of who he is. You are seeking to reclaim that. You are seeking control over the situation and you probably also want to SEE his "suffering". He claims to feel wretched I know I would want to see that.

I beg you to be careful, but know that even if you DO hang again it's not your fault if he hurts you. To whomever asked if you would sleep with him, it doesn't really matter. Consentual sex is not rape, it doesn't mean that if you do sleep with him tomorrow he didn't rape you 4 months ago.

Seek out assistance in your area, there are crisis centers every where. We offer free support groups and information about what you are going through and the healing process.

There is no NORMAL way to handle and ABNORMAL situation.

I wish you well in your healing and hope any of this helped.

[LiveInNirvana]

ALSO check out the book. "I NEVER CALLED IT RAPE"...

It's a wonderful book that really details much of the push pull you are dealing with.