[mikka2009]

I'm new here so I'm sorry if I'm putting this into the wrong section.

Last month I accidentally (really!) found a text on my H's blackberry, ostensibly from a woman at his work (but I'm not convinced it wasn't an alias) that said: "I love you too. There are no words in the world to say how much I love you."

I immediately confronted him and he said he'd turned to her in desperation and loneliness, and that nothing ever went beyond texts and that he was very, very sorry.

As you can imagine, in the subsequent days I went through a wild range of emotions. Although our early talks concentrated a lot on his loneliness issues - for which I take much responsibility and for which I have vowed to, for my part, help fix, things have changed in recent days.

Because I was more than willing to hear him out and to really hear what he's been feeling, there's been a very subtle shift in blame. Now the blame is resting a little too heavily on my head.

The major issue we're facing is honesty. I want to know general things like when it started, how often, why, is it over, etc., but he keeps stonewalling me - telling me I don't need to know these things. When I told him that I wanted free access to his phone and work email accounts, he said "absolutely not"...that his phone and email are work matters and that it would be irresponsible of him to allow me free access to company stuff.

I've told him I don't and will never buy such an excuse.

Here are my questions: how much does the cheates spouse deserve to know? Is it unreasonable to want to have access to that part of his life?

Many thanks.

[Happy1]

I can shamefully say that I was the woman who was texting a married man a year and a half ago. I regret the decisions I made everyday. I also know that this married man was a liar, to me and his wife. No matter what she and I think about eachother, we were essentially in the same position, we both wanted answers and felt like we needed him in our lives.

In regard to the many many questions that you have, you have every right in the world to know every single detail of every single event that you want to know about. Nothing can help you get past the truth like hearing the truth. If you dont know what happened, you can only be left to imagine the worst.

If he honestly wants you to believe that its over, he needs to get away from her, no matter what that means. He also needs to tell you everything and be 100% open to counciling, together and alone. If he doesnt want to do these things, he isnt ready to give up the woman that loves him more than words can say. For them to be openly saying they love eachother it must have been very very important that he be close to her....and not you.

[mikka2009]

Happy,

Thank you so much for your reply, but more for your honesty.

I've been questioning my sense of reality....his telling me that I have no right to know what goes on in his work world has made me feel that I'M the interloper, when my heart and gut tell me that I need to know everything (not the small details - I can survive without those) about the bigger issues of the affair, and feel, sense, and breathe his honesty before I can move on.

I do understand that these things happen. And I've been clear that I will do whatever's needed from my end to help us both through it. I'm just feeling so terribly sad that he has certain keys to help me heal, but still he withholds them.

You have made me feel much better. Thank you.

[WildChild]

I'm sorry you are going through this but you have no business accessing his work communications. In many businesses that could get him fired. If he has done any playing around using his work email or other communication systems it may well be monitored.

Bottom line either the two of you work this through or you walk. You can't monitor him for the rest of your lives. Why would either of you want to live like that? Realistically you can't. If you don't/can't believe that this was only words and is in fact over then start packing. It's really all you can do. Otherwise you re-establish trust as best you can and leave it alone.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Shifting the blame, is because of the way you handled it, which was "good", you were able to communicate.... Problem, occured because he could sense that you would forgive and so poured a little more onto you to take the blame away from himself.. Selfish.

Communicate.... He knows if he tells you all that you will walk, because the shock will get to you first, then the anger... and it will. Because she can't fall madly in love with someone via texts only ongoing, or without words that has made her feel this way.

Does she even know about you?

He is not communicating and he is hiding and he is using excuses such as "Company", the main key of a relationship is communication.

He doesn't have to go into full details but he owes you some answers and he owes you to speak to her in front of you and explain to her that he is in a committed relationship and that he was wrong to set you at peace.

Unfortunately, we all have the right to have our own space, privacy checking up on-going isn't trust, and without trust the relationship will fail anyway.

Whether you can trust him again I don't know, but I would firstly be asking him "does she know, and call her in front of me and tell her about me, if this is where you really want to be"...

CW

[Happy1]

Your welcome Mikka. I am sorry that this is happening. I understand that you want to know whats going on, in every conversation that they have, work or not. Words or actions...it still hurts. It puts a rip in the paper so to speak. You can tape it back together and try to go on but it will always be weak because of that rip.

The best thing to do is ask him to forgive you of anything that you did to make him feel alone and like he needed to talk to someone else. Let him say whatever it is that he wants to say. If he doesnt apologize or make any attempt to forgive you or any attempt to try for your relationship then it may be time to start thinking about what you need to do for you....just like he has been. No matter what happens, make sure you do everything in your power to try for whatever it is that you want....at the end you dont want to have any regrets.

[mikka2009]

Hi WildChild,

Thanks for your response. My husband is in no danger of being fired because he runs his own company. I would probably agree with you were the circumstances different.

The reason I mentioned the issue of electronic access to his accounts really came down to wanting him to say "yes, of course, no problem...my life is an open book". In truth, I doubt I'd have done much checking after a time or two. I'm not looking to police him.

What disturbs me is the stonewalling; the reluctance to open his world to me.

I love my husband and want to work through this. I have no intention of making either of us miserable by playing cop.

I appreciate your points.

__________________________________

Thank you, CW,

You have really nailed some of the issues - most importantly, that he's afraid I'll walk if I know the truth.

I'm not looking for details - I really don't need them. I just want to know that I can rely upon him for ongoing honesty.

I have suggested that he call the woman but, of course, he won't.

I'm beginning to feel that I'm a bit alone in wanting to WORK toward fixing this. Even though I'm pretty sure that he, too, wants us to go back to normal, he's playing ostrich. It would all be so much easier if I just got on with life....But going back to normal has a few steps in between that he doesn't seem willing to take.

Thank you.

Big hug to Happy!

[blondie80]

Your looking for trust, to be able to have him open up and say yes this is what is happening and this is why, if he cant be open you cant trust him so to a degree you need to find something or some way of communicating with him that gives you that.
CW is right you would walk if you knew everything thats just on face value alone if you can accept some of the blame because you werent giving him what he needs and see to it that you try and change to help him then he needs to do the same its not a one way street all the work cant go from one side, he opened up and let you know why this happened but you need to be reassured in some way that if you are trying to help fix this as well then he wont do it again or its not still going on vague details can help talking about it can help as well but you need something.

[M&Ms]

Thanks for your response. My husband is in no danger of being fired because he runs his own company.

He owns his own company? You're pretty sure she works with him? I would demand access to his email and phone as well. "The Company" is in no danger if you have access to that information. It doesn't matter what kind of company it is. Your purpose is not to "screw" his company over.

In fact, I don't think this is an issue of trust on your part at all. Not only is he making himself look even more conspicuous by denying your request, but if the women possibly works with him I would fear for the worst. The text message said "I love you": unless she moves ridiculously fast on the emotion side of things, I'd say he's done worse than phone cheated.

I'm sorry to be so pessimistic, but it just doesn't add up.

[Karma3]

Let me get this straight...your husband owns his own company and you are told the company business is none of your business?? And how irresponsible it would be of him to allow you to see your company's business? I'm glad to hear that he has his priorities straight when it comes to being "irresponsible".

The girl's text message said "I love you too", which means that he texted her first saying it. This sounds like it is more than just text message cheating. Now that you caught him, this is just going to allow him to "get smarter", hense, the not allowing you access to company stuff.

If your husband wants your marriage to work, he is going to have to come clean with this other girl and I'm afraid the only thing to do is for your husband to expell her from the company. Are you comfortable with this girl continuing to work at your company? She told your husband (her boss) "I love you". YOU should be more important than this other girl and your husbands actions as to how he is going to straighten this out will be the tell tale sign.