[LiveInNirvana]

I really don't know where this belongs. So I'm posting it both in sex and relationships. I recently am beginning to see some things in my life that have been very unhealthy and is really sad.

While "dating" someone I get so caught up in whether or not they are attracted to me that I fail to ask myself if I am attracted to them. When someone tries to be physical with me I always have been with them. Because it felt good, I like the attention. It made me feel as though I was pretty enough or not as fat as I think I am. It's really sad. I went on a date recently and didn't find myself into the guy at all. He tried to kiss me and I turned away. I felt terrible guilt. I work at a domestic violence shelter and I know I should not feel guilt. That it's my body!

It's the first time I've respected my body enough to not be sexual with someone who wants me to be. It's a positive thing, although it's also an awkward thing. Change is hard. I cried. I don't know if it's because I realized how many men I have given myself to that maybe didn't deserve me or if it's because I felt bad about myself for not being sexual with him. Either way it's a sad thing. I don't know where this "guilt" and desire to please has come. I don't like it....

[Hopeless Dork]

I've been that way my whole entire life up until this last year. Loving someone so much and my desire to be loyal to them in every way has given me the strength to say no where I otherwise wouldn't have. Before I met my boyfriend when I a guy I didnt like asked my number, I'd give it anyone as I had no idea how to turn down that kind of request without seeming mean, etc. But now, my commitment to him matters more to me than how hard it is to not be a pushover.

Last year I was put in a horrible situation, where I feel like if I would have been stronger in my intentions (or lack of) I would not have been assaulted.

You should be so proud of yourself for making such progress all on your own. Learning to respect myself has been nothing short of a journey, one that continues -I am so glad to hear you have started yours!

[Iseulda]

I think you're very brave to recognise that in yourself and to act on it. What you may not realise is that many women (and men) never gain that understanding of themselves.

Also, it isn't like you've done anything wrong or shameful. At the time you took the sexual attention you took it because you needed it. Now, your reasons for needing it may not have been based on mutual attraction or overt sexual desire, but we human beings are very complex creatures and it certainly isn't worth beating yourself up over it. It happened and at the time it served a purpose.

Now you've given it some thought and seen the behaviour for what it is you are choosing to modify it. You know rationally you have nothing to feel guilty about - you said it yourself - no one likes to be rejected and it speaks volumes for your good nature that you don't like to reject others and cause them pain, but now you know not to do it at your own expense. You'll get used to it.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think you're very brave to recognise that in yourself and to act on it. What you may not realise is that many women (and men) never gain that understanding of themselves.

Also, it isn't like you've done anything wrong or shameful. At the time you took the sexual attention you took it because you needed it. Now, your reasons for needing it may not have been based on mutual attraction or overt sexual desire, but we human beings are very complex creatures and it certainly isn't worth beating yourself up over it. It happened and at the time it served a purpose.

Now you've given it some thought and seen the behaviour for what it is you are choosing to modify it. You know rationally you have nothing to feel guilty about - you said it yourself - no one likes to be rejected and it speaks volumes for your good nature that you don't like to reject others and cause them pain, but now you know not to do it at your own expense. You'll get used to it.

If you actually really read this.. It's a very logical answer not one "patting you on the back, rather putting it into perspective".. Well said.

CW