[Joy]

Last week was a rough week my bf of 5 years was on a new quit smoking drug totally changed his thought process made him very agressive and angry. He stopped them 4 days ago.

Of course last week we could discuss nothing I"m smart enough to know this why add fuel to the fire. He couldn't cope with anything last week so I kept my mouth shut.

Today we were just talking and he got defensive and mean and went straight for the throat.... This is his style of fighting... he fights with me like he is fighting with another man.

He doesn't once for one second stop and think of my heart or me as an emotional being. He just wants to be right and to win not to resolve and grow....

His antidepressants make him pretty much flatlined in the emotional department.... but at this moment I think he is a big jerk and if he wants to fight like a man well lets just physically beat each other up why waste anymore time on an emotinal level. Lets get it on. I think at this moment a good punch to the mouth would hurt me less. Not that we hit each other or that we are going to but Its how I feel at this moment.

I just need a tender moment and he gets so cruel. Why can't men stop short of that last hurtful sentence........ I read about it all the time on here... Why can't they just stop themselves

Can the men on here answer this???

[reilu]

first of all let me say Im sorry that he says cruel things to you, but not all men are like that. there are so many that would never say anything to try and emotionally tear a woman apart. trust me. but some will, but it also rings true that there are women who are just as bad, or even worse. its not a gender thing.

the thing is he is probably jsut trying to deal with whatever is bothering him, and thats the only way he knows how to. but you understand that you are not helpless! you have a choice! either you can keep putting up with it, OR you can try and get him some help or leave. but dont ever feel like you are helpless!! YOU ARE POWERFUL! you have a choice.

and you are saying he quit smoking and drugs?? is it him saying those things, or is it the withdraw thats making him do that? either way, its not an excuse, it doesnt make it alright in any way that he is hurting you. but understand that there is help out there for him, but he has to be willing to accept it.

I dont know if Im much help, but I tried!! good luck!!!

[WildChild]

I'm not a man and I hope some of them chime in on this because I've encountered it too.

My observations have been that often times angry people (I'm sure some women do this too) are plugging into a old drama. Anger creates a wall, it blocks off any other emotional contact, it puts you on the defensive and keeps him from having to deal with what is really going on. It also voids responsiblity for the angry person. There is an idea that if you are angry (1) you have a reason (2) someone else made you angry. Of course this is bs, no one makes anyone angry, they chose to be.

It does give them an excuse to block you off, dehumanize you and be cold and blaming. I've noticed what seems to be a trend toward personal attack rather than to deal with issues. We've certainly seen that in the US in politics, instead of dealing with the issues, they'll do stuff like start in the other person's dress. Culturally it is more acceptable for men to express anger than other emotions. I think this is changing but change is often resisted and this is deeply embedded in the culture.

You keep yourself connected to the postive energy, don't let him drain you. You know you have to stay connected to the higher source, not to other people for your energy. I slipped into that pattern myself recently and really did a crash and burn. Now I've got myself back to drawing on the infinite source.(And I'm feeling Goood and glowing again) Other people's stuff can only "get" you if you aren't keeping yourself and your needs where you should be.

[Joy]

HI Reilu & WildChild I know women can be just as cruel as men with cruel remarks. Reilu it was a quit smoking pill and he is already on anti depressants. They didn't mix but really he is back to normal and out of system. While he was on (for a week) he was full of anger but not directed at anyone but inanimate objects.

But WC you are right..... if someone gets angery they think they have a reason and have a right and everything you said is right on the money with ppl men or women who are angry.

Earlier I was just so upset for the stupid stuff he was laying out on the table that had nothing to do with what we were talking about. He wouldn't deal with what was bothering me but rather.... oh no he can't have a good day without anyone bothering him.

I"m having a bad moment today or several........... thank you

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I tried those smoking tablets and talk about beatchhhh... Coupled with fybromyalgia and IBS started as well from stress.. I get the anger bit, but I held my tongue on lashing out to others.

Don't say "bring it on", he doesn't have a right to go for your throat babe.

Words, nasty words bite people in the bum, because one day you will look at him in dis-taste for all those words he has spoken.

We all need...

Never stop being you Joy, never.

CW

[Joy]

Wildchild you are right I can not depend on anyone for my energy.... I don't ususally depend on him for my lil source of comfort either but I was having a needy needy moment and I needed soft and gentle not a battle.

He thru out that he knows me less in 5 years than women he dated for a year. That sent me into anger and defensive....... said my life was a secret.... OMG he never wanted to hear about my past ( when we were first together) he gets to jealous. He's always shut down the conversation. I told him this today when you keep shutting down the person who is sharing you don't get to friggin much from them in the end now do ya. His problem is he trys to control whether or not he is gonna get hurt in the end in this........... i'm about ready to show how hard it is to control someone like me. "treat me good no one gets hurt... treat me bad and i'll hand you your heart lol. See I told you I was having a few bab moments today with myself.

my life is open I have nothing to hide or anyone to hide from in life.

[ren_07]

I really do need to ask, why are you with this man?

He hurts you regularly and has ceased being emotional about you. His selfishness is overwhelming because he isn't even afraid you'll walk away from him. Which is evident in him not giving a about how he treats you.

There are golden men out there who would never put their hands on a woman. Many men can control their temper and can respect a girl with chivalry. Do yourself a favor and look for these men. If you choose to stay with him, what happiness do you see in your future? Do you see him changing if you sat him down for a talk about everything?

[Joy]

Ren, my bf has been a wonderful expeience for me believe it or not.

To clear something up he has never once hit me not once There are golden men out there who would never put their hands on a woman I meant "for the throat" as in men seem to fight and slit each others throat brutal comments and such.

Emotionally I can be a handful sometimes... I've learned from this relationship that I have to control my emotional needs at times its not all about me.

Honestly speaking I see all my past relationships as they were wonderful for the most part lots of fun and love. I've pondered though.... was it just me having fun at these men's expense emotinally. Those men certainly jumped thru hops to make me happy and keep a smile on my face. For what the moment I ME OMG ME I wasn't happy I said FU i'm outta here. CYA wouldn't wanna be ya. I must say that is pretty lame of me of a much younger me

Seriously I've put some bf's thru the wringer and I've actually apologized to some of them. I ran into one guy totally forgot how it ended and was so excited to see him it had been years maybe 12 years. Lets just say he was less then thrilled to see me infact i backed away from him going ok.... i'm just gonna go now I can tell you so dont want to talk to me. I got all that from the 3 words I think he did say to me LOL . The anger that reeked of this man OMG I could not believe it. He was incredibly mad after all those years.

my current bf of 5 years some days we are mirror images of one another.... we are going thru some tuff stuff together and doing pretty good at it. I"m just being honest here.

There is alot of external tension in our life at the moment and we again are facing another big change. Our paths may separate but its not because I don't love him because I do. I don't regret a moment of my life over the last 5 years the good, the bad and the ugly. I also know that he loves me we show love differently and have different love scripts.

The emotional distance he and I both feel at times could be we knew this was never forever but for right now. That we are connected and i believe that I did meet him for a reason and i've only ever felt that way once before about a man. Have you ever felt that way?? That the universe sent this man into your life? Listen up pay attention and learn??

If that is the case I want to have as much fun with him as possible.

[ren_07]

Yeah I have felt that way about certain men in my life. I'm sorry I skimmed through your story and saw throat and fighting it out like mean and whatnot and assumed he was getting more physical than necessary.

I also understand what you mean when you say you've done your share of hurting men in past relationships. Sounds like your current guy is very different from past romances where the control seemed to be more in your hands because the others were more of pushovers lol happened to me too.

If he makes you happy, then ignore the rough patches that you're going through. His personality is who he is and will continue to be. If the pleasant aspects of your relationships can overshadow the cruel words he says, then I'd say let it go. You really should communicate with him how he hurts you though. Calmly when you're not fighting or arguing. See if that doesn't improve the situation for you.

[browneyes4770]

Men are so cruel

My boyfriend is cruel too.. He swears he loves me, everything about me, my body, everything. But he has pics of other women in appropriate, he makes me take inappropriate knowing i am not comfortable with it. I have 3 kids and im your typical football mom. I have morals and values and do things for him that ive never done for anyone else. But he doesnt appreciate it at all. He puts me down and cusses at me if we go 3 days without sex, or if I dont go to bed naked. He says he wants to marry me but in the same breath will tell me i am not enuff for him and he needs pics of other women. He also says things like if i dont go in public dressed like a tramp and flash other people and let him take pics he will leave me. He says things like if normal relationships do have spells where they dont have sex at least 5 or 6 times a week he understands why people cheat and if any of my exes cheated on me he wouldnt blame them. I have to do alot of things I dont like doing and that make me embarrassed and ashamed. He has drained me of all my money and has me being stay at home mom right now and with the economy like it is jobs are few and far between so my kids and I are STUCK. We cant make it on our own...never a day goes by that I dont cry or wish i was dead. I have become a shell of a woman. I used to be strong and vibrant and fun to be around. Now i just go day by day wandering what we might fight about that day.