[Guest]

ok here goes ......


As most of you know I am seeing a therapist. And part of the whole deal is to let go and move on from the past that has been haunting me forever. So recently I wrote my sister the one who abused me a letter letting her know how I feel and what I wanted to say all those times. ... And since then I have not had any bad dreams about her and I actually feel good about it.

NOW, I have been having dreams about my ex bf (the one I lived with and he cheated on me) But they aren't like the romantic dreams where I want him or anything like that. They are dreams of torturing him and yelling at him. And often times trying to kill him. (PLEASE NOTE: THESE ARE JUST DREAMS :P)

So, my question is that would be advisable if I do the same thing... write him a letter saying I felt about the whole thing. My problem is that he's a ##$# jerk; and possibly a narcissist. So he might think I'm still in love with him and all that b.s.

I want to do this because I'm tired of letting my anxious feelings get the best of me towards my current relationship. My bf now doesn't deserve what I have put him through... and it just saddens me that when I am in pain.. he is as well. I also want to give 100% in the relationship... and I haven't really because I haven't FULLY trusted him.

Any thoughts?

[mr.mansview]

it's great that the letter writing worked for you with your sister..ask your therapist if you should try the same manouver with ex-bf..my guess is she/he will say no..why risk bringing up old wounds..you've moved on and rid of him..as you said "these r just dreams"

[CHANDLERS WISH]

With family there is a bond whether you like it or not, blood and in her hearts of hearts she probably agreed with some of what you wrote, whether she will ever admit it or not.

An ex, who treated you bad, probably treats others in the same manor, and may not comprehend that it was good for you to let go via this method.

I agree with Dr Mansview, speak to your therapist.

The other way in doing this though is to write down exactly what you wanted to say, and burn the page by the sea or lake and let it swim away, so sending it out to the universe in other words, releasing it and all that is in its' context from your mind finally.

CW

[Joy]

about a year ago there was a poster trying to move on and heal from an abusive marriage. She had a "letting go" ceremony. She planned a beautiful day for herself full of relaxation and friends. She tossed her wedding ring into the ocean as a symbol of the tide carrying away her past .

You can write that letter to your xbf and get everything out of your head that you want to express. Then plan a lil ceremony of your own... get a can light a few white candles or your favorite scented ones around the can and burn the letter. Let it turn to ashes in the can. Then let the wind blow away the ashes. Use it to symbolize letting go of the BS and his issues that he placed on you that was not your burden to carry.

This is just an Idea maybe you will have a better idea about a "letting go" ceremony you would like to have.

[Guest]

i do have a fire place at my apt. ..... i threw out most of the stuff he gave me but i think i might still have some stuff... not sure.

[WildChild]

Therapist John Grey describes the letter writing technique in Mars and Venus books. As remember the process - you can certainly look it up; First write out your feelings, dump em all, get it off your chest, then tell them how it made you feel, how it affected you. - you can burn that right off (my idea not Grey's). Then write what you would like to have them say to you.
Write a letter of forgiveness to them. You can mail it if you want or create a ceremony and burn it - send it out to the powers that be. Do what is best for you. I did this a few years ago. I was raped as a teen and my first boyfirend, who I was crazy about, was part of it. That was like a ten ton weight on me for years, decades actually. I followed this process and did mail him a note telling him I forgave him. That didn't make what he did OK, but it allowed me to let go of it, give it back to him to carry. It was a step toward stopping victimizing myself over and over. I wasn't trying to open a dialog so I didn't include a return address or any contact info. It did make a difference for me.

Creating a ceremony of closure or letting go is always a good thing to do. There are many descriptions for these but create what feels right for you.

[Guest]

hmm... I'm writing the "letter" as we speak. My thing is that I don't know if I am ready to forgive him. Do you think forgiveness is a part of letting go? or Can you move on with out it?

[WildChild]

Let me giver you my take on forgiveness. Understand that I don't a religious basis for this as many do, this is just my sense of it. Forgiveness doesn't make the wrong someone has done right. I do believe that if they have caused repairable damage they have make amends. Forgiving some things, such as accidentally breaking an item, isn't a big deal to me. It's other sort of hurt that poses the biggest challenge, that's the emotional damage. When someone abuses your trust, devalues you, stabs you in the back - that is the tough area. At least for me.

Forgiving doesn't mean you forget it. It doesn't mean it's OK. It means that you let go of it and give it back to them. Not in the eye for an eye sense but just make it not your problem anymore. It feels good.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Let me giver you my take on forgiveness. Understand that I don't a religious basis for this as many do, this is just my sense of it. Forgiveness doesn't make the wrong someone has done right. I do believe that if they have caused repairable damage they have make amends. Forgiving some things, such as accidentally breaking an item, isn't a big deal to me. It's other sort of hurt that poses the biggest challenge, that's the emotional damage. When someone abuses your trust, devalues you, stabs you in the back - that is the tough area. At least for me.

Forgiving doesn't mean you forget it. It doesn't mean it's OK. It means that you let go of it and give it back to them. Not in the eye for an eye sense but just make it not your problem anymore. It feels good.

here here WC.

[Joy]

Forgiveness to me is the letting go. You are ready to let go of those negative emotions to clear space to let New emotions in. We can not hold on to anger and feel joy.

Forgiving someone for hurting you doesn't release them from their actions but it releases you to move forward. To give back the pain that they created and you no longer have to carry their issues and bs around. It was never yours to carry in the first place.

This ex bf... it was nothing personal he would have treated any woman that way at that point in his life. His actions will be his karma ... how you react will be yours.

Letting go will allow you to move forward and place this in the past. You've lived thru this experience as unpleasant as it was. It is the past it no longer exsists its just a painful memory that you really don't have to carry.

I think some people never let go cause they think if they don't hang on to that pain then the person who administered the pain in their life will be home free. Not the case the best revenge is living a good life!!!

Don't dwell on the past all we have is today!!! Good luck on your journey of healing there will be twists and turns and days you don't feel like forgiving and moving forward. Don't sit with the pain to long..... the event has already past.