[totallyconfused]

I've been with my bf for 4 years, living together for 2. He moved a great distance to keep the relationship going. As with all relationships, we have our ups and downs.

But I had this nagging feeling something wasn't "right". After much checking around, I found a secret email account. Not that big a deal, right? Until I had him log into it.

I found out he's been chatting with other men, perhaps making arrangements to meet up. He denied those emails were him. Shockingly, he even denied the naked photos of his body.

So after more snooping really, I ended up chatting with someone he's been chatting with. It didn't take long for the guy to realize I was the wifey.

I've tried chatting about it with my bf. He insists although he lied about the emails, he honestly hasn't met anyone in person. Could be telling the truth. Might not be. Could be telling the truth but just missing the "yet" at the end of the sentence.

I'm going through a range of emotions with this situation. I'm feeling hurt, betrayed, angry, sad, violated, confused, shocked, embarassed, ashamed, mortified....you name it. I feel like my entire world is caving in.

I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling. I don't want to make him ashamed of himself....except for his lies and deceipt. But I need someone to talk to.

Does anyone have any experience or thoughts on this issue? Good, bad or otherwise, I just need to make sense of it all.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He needs to be honest with you..

It's 4 years you've been together, you live together and whether he loses you or not, he owes you the curtiousy of you making your own decision in that regard...

He can't be selfish and "hide"... nor "hide behind a woman".


This is what I would be telling him or kicking him out until he comes clean.....

Stand your ground because you need an answer so that you can make a decision.

CW

[WildChild]

I'm not a fan of snooping but that's done. He needs to get clear with what he wants. Whether its other men or women, if you are in a committed relationship this behavior is wrong.

[totallyconfused]

We've had a few "heart to hearts". To his credit, he's listened to all I have to say and answered all my questions. (Finally)

He's telling me now that he wants this relationship. That the "curiosity" has been satisfied by checking stuff out and chatting. He admitted he intended to meet up with someone but couldn't go through with it.

Still confused as ever. He may think he knows what he wants now but couldn't it just change again? Wouldn't I just be the biggest fool to stick this out only to have it tear me apart again later?

I hate riding the rollercoaster of emotions. Thanks for hearing me out!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

That's a tough one... because if you love someone, where is the need to look? Even if you don't touch?

Is it settling?

For now?

I don't know love because on the other accord, would he look to satisfy himself that he wanted this relationship instead? Checking...........

One thing for sure, I would never hold trust personally from today on-wards and I would also be wanting a condom from that non-trust so I couldn't go through with it any longer personally...

Just be on your guard I guess ...

He could be telling you the truth.

CW

[elise]

Here is a question for you. How would you feel if he came to you and said he was bisexual and still wanted to be with you?? Have you thought of that being a possibility?? Yes, he has not been honest, not a good thing. You also snooped as well. Perhaps he was thinking of telling you and changed his mind after you found out about his stuff. Not giving him a chance to tell you himself, then being embarassed and not telling you anyway. If he is bi then are you prepared to listen to that so he can share that ? I think you need to also trust yourself as well. Just a few things to think about.

[Chantalemma]

OK is he is by then you stand a chance right? If he is gay and hiding you have no competition. Sorry, but this came to mind! It was bad for him to lye but hard to explain to soemone too. It is the sneaking arround part that hits the most...I agree with CW to use a condom until this is all sorted out. But one thing, sit down and talk a lot about your feelings and his too. Communication is the key! Keep us informed!

[totallyconfused]

Ok, so I know snooping isn't right and I don't really condone my own actions. That being said, seeing the other email address (hotmail) as the last account logged in and knowing there's only the two of us in the house, you can sure bet curiosity (and gut instinct) got the best of me. Turns out the gut was right.

I don't have an issue with looking I suppose. I mean, we're all human. Actually bringing yourself to meet someone in person is wrong. Even if you turned away when you got there.

I'm not a judgemental person and am more than willing to accept to he is. And if he's not sure of who he is yet, I'll support him through the process. As a friend. As far as being in a relationship with him if he's bisexual, that's something I can't do. I can honestly say that I do want that person who feels I'm enough for them. And by no means am I judging anyone in different circumstances. Everyone deserves their own definition of happiness.

As far as how things are right now....here's a little update.

We're working on things. Neither one of us is ready to just walk away. He swears his curiosity has been satisfied just by looking. I don't know that I totally believe that but he's asked me to give him the benefit of the doubt. Given his deceit that's hard to do but I'm working on it. Most importantly, he knows it's a big work in progress. I've looked into some relationship and personal counselling and we've agreed for us both to get started on that.

In the very end, my hopes are that it works out for the best. Whether that means I spend the rest of my life with my best friend as my life partner or I spend it with him as my best friend.

Thanks so much for helping talk this through. I love this site and am glad I stumbled across it.

[totallyconfused]

So a few days have passed since I last wrote and I have to admit I'm struggling. For the most part the days are decent but I've had some pretty low moments.

I don't know how to deal with some of the crappy feelings I'm having. There's times where I still just want to yell and scream at him. And of course, there's the paranoia and mistrust too. Curiosity about what he's doing when I'm at work or who's texting when his phone goes off.

I feel like I'm slowly going insane. One end of the spectrum to the other. Grrr.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

That's because a few days ago you were in denial, wanting to tell yourself it's all cool, you can handle it, no probs, you'll work it out.

But as times passes, it doesn't get easier because now your mind is wondering, thinking, pretty much "constantly"....

So what is he doing to re-gain and win your trust? Has he offered for you to look at the phone for-instance when it does go off?

CW