[apple_martini]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now. He has been struggling with finances and his career for a couple of years. He recently opened his own business and it didn't work out, plus he lost quite a bit of money in the stock market. I can tell that he hasn't really been himself for the last couple of months, and we've talked about it a few times. A few days ago he told me that we need to break-up and/or take a break because he is going to be filing for bankrupcy and changing careers. He said that he feels like a loser and really needs some space right now to focus on getting his life back on track. He said that he doesn't want me to wait for him because it may take up to 6 months to really get things sorted out, and that I am free to see other people if I want to. I am soooo in love with him and can't imagine seeing someone else. Any advice?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

That's a tough one..

His career life appears un-stable. The most successful people fail and the reason why the eventually win, is that they keep trying and don't give up.

The stock market in my opinion is a completely different thing.. That's gambling your money to try to achieve instant return, I appreciate for some, it's putting a small amount in and leaving it there for years, changing it etc, it's an investment but you stated he lost quite a bit... So that to me points "a quick fix" that didn't work.

So, now he files for bankrupcy and starts again, claiming it will take 6 months in order to get somewhere again...

He has no money to start...

It takes 5 - 6 years to build a business successfully whereby you are out of the woods...

If he is only getting a job, which sounds more to the point, to get himself back on track, he will have to focus but he can do that with someone by his side.

So, I sense he wants to dabble again and he's bent on winning and wants to only concentrate on that.

Only you can explain what his intentions are there, new business, more stock markets or just a job and no more new ventures....

I think that you should let him go on his way and worry about it in a few months time, see where you are at, how you feel, if you are still in love, if he has spent any time in contacting you or totally let you go...

Time tells all.

CW

[tasha1133]

I would have to say that the reason can go both ways he might just be making this as an excuse to get out of the relationship, or he really could just be unselfishly thinking about you and he might think that he's pulling you down.

going with your gut feeling do you think that he's genuinely looking out for you when saying he doesn't want you to wait or does it feel like its all just an excuse?

-Tasha

[apple_martini]

It genuinely feels like he's looking out for me. He said he knows that he's been neglecting me and that I deserve to be happy. I have no reason not to trust him. He's a really amazing guy

[Guest]

It genuinely feels like he's looking out for me. He said he knows that he's been neglecting me and that I deserve to be happy. I have no reason not to trust him. He's a really amazing guy

But if he thought anything of you he wouldnt be doing this to you surely?

If i was you i certainly wouldnt be waiting for him

[krisi1021]

I'm honestly on the fence with this one ... and I'm usually spot on with relationship advice.

It could go either way, like some have said before me. It could be an excuse out of the relationship or he could be aware of what his problems are doing to your relationship together. The only part that is a bit fishy is that he encourages you to see other people. My guess is he's at an all time low, in all aspects of the body and mind, and he doesn't want to drag you down with him, which he feels is doomed to happen if you stay put. On the bright side, there's only one way things can go from here and that's up. That's the only positive to hitting rock bottom.

Ultimately you are the only one who can determine what you will do, and even then your mind can't always rule the heart, so it's even out of your hands a bit. I wouldn't say to cut off either possibility, but at the same time in order to be fair to yourself you need to be open to both as well. Give him time to find what he needs to feel better about his role in the relationship. Don't pressure him to come back to you even if things look like they are going good 6 months down the road. Only he will know when he's ready, and the last thing a man in his position needs is pressure.

My advice --- take this time to focus on yourself for a change. You've been in this great relationship, that has obviously felt it's strain a bit recently due to your concern for him and what he's going through. Don't look for someone else, yet don't wait for him. Change up your routine. Join a gym. Visit a bookstore. Go to the park. Get a dog! Lol You get the point. Just do something for yourself. Focus on you! So often people don't realize how much of that they lose when in a relationship. I know it's something most are willing to do, but still it's nice to get back in touch with ourselves every now and again.

[prawnprincess]

Don't put all of your eggs in one basket!

take this time to focus on yourself for a change.

Some guys never get it together. Some are always pursuing short cuts and "big ideas." I spent a year in a relationship with a guy, putting everything into supporting him and trying to help him pull himself together. What I learned was that you really can't help people pull themselves together- they have to do it themselves. Also, you don't want to lose your own momentum of talents and ambitions.

I don't know what kind of guy you are dealing with. Either way, it can't hurt to take a step back and let your guy get himself in order while you get yourself on your own path of success. The best relationships are between people who are independent but chose to be together!

[tasha1133]

It genuinely feels like he's looking out for me. He said he knows that he's been neglecting me and that I deserve to be happy. I have no reason not to trust him. He's a really amazing guy

Sometimes Love can blind us, and we choose only to see a man's good side and we turn a blind eye to his faults, take the time to step back and look at all the angles, are you sure hes worth the wait, does he deserve it?

And if you come to the conclusion that yes,he is, then try your best to make it work, some things REALLY ARE worth fighting for. no matter what others may say.

[krisi1021]

Some guys never get it together. Some are always pursuing short cuts and "big ideas." I spent a year in a relationship with a guy, putting everything into supporting him and trying to help him pull himself together. What I learned was that you really can't help people pull themselves together- they have to do it themselves. Also, you don't want to lose your own momentum of talents and ambitions.

I don't know what kind of guy you are dealing with. Either way, it can't hurt to take a step back and let your guy get himself in order while you get yourself on your own path of success. The best relationships are between people who are independent but chose to be together!

I agree 100% that you can't make a person change. Shoot, I've been telling my friends that for years! The person in need of change has to want this for him or herself first and foremost, and all the other person can do is support their decision.

Are you referring to my post in another thread, or are you mistaking me for the one with the problem? I'm lost on why you quoted that one line. Lol I'm new to this so bear with me!

I do agree with your advice though. Funny you should say what you did though, b/c just last night my guy and I had a long talk about some things that have been keeping our relationship at a stand still, and he was curious why I seem so "okay" with how things are. I simply explained to him that if I could change things I would, but only he can make that decision, so rather than add to all the other pressures he's under, I just give him his space to figure everything out. He's in a really rotten position right now, and I feel awful for him. I wish more than anything I could fix it for him, b/c I see what it does to him, but all I can do is support him emotionally.

[WildChild]

Consider this; if he thinks of himself as a loser, what does your willingness and desire to be with him say to him about you?

This is a catch 22, no win in many ways. He says, "I'm a loser", you say, "no, you're not, you're just going through a tough time". He might see you are right and be grateful that you can see beyond the present situation and be happy to have found a woman who is supportive and caring.

Unfortuantely what I've seen and experienced is that they usually either use you to get themselves straightened out and then move on, after all you are a reminder then of that time period and of their weakness or they decide there must be something wrong with you that you were willing to stick around.

But if you leave, then you either reaffirm that they are losers or you are somehow to blame.

You are going to have to weigh the situation and the kind of man he is, against your needs. How much time can you spare? Is he a like a rennovation project, "it'll be just perfect after I replace the windows, move this door way and refinish the floors!" But do you know enough to tell if the foundation is solid? Or is he really just needing some time to do it on his own? Understand that you can't change him, only he can do that. If he really cares and wants you in his life, you may be a catalyst for him to make changes but you can't make that happen.