[Ashlee T.]

I've been dating him for around 4 months. What a wonderful sweet soul he is. But he has issues, like the rest of us.....but unlike myself he has ignored his, refusing to admit them or deal with them and every now and again one of them rears its ugly head. Before dating we were friends for about 6 months. When my aunt passed away with cancer, and I brought up my dad passing, he mentioned his mom also passing in 2006. He didn't say what from.

For the last 4 months, and the 6 mths before that, he has never again mentioned his mother, their previous relationship, his childhood, her death, etc. I talk about my dad alot, so I try to open up the door for him to discuss what happened, but he never does. I feel that I shouldn't ask him, or pry.....because if he wanted to tell me he would. At the same time though, I find it odd that he wants such a serious relationship with me, sees a future with me, says I'm basically his best friend..........yet hides a huge part of his life from me. Another thing is that when I bring up my dad, he says nothing......as if I've not even spoken...which of course is hurtful to me.

So last night we had some words which turned into a long discussion of these hidden issues. He acknowledged that he has things he needs to open up about. I brought up his mother....the fact that he has never mentioned not even a word of her or her death to me which resulted in him telling me that she suffered for 7 years and eventually died from Huntingtons Disease.

This morning, I research it. I see that parents who have this genetic disorder will pass on a 50% chance to their offspring of having it. For those of you that do not know anything about the disease, google it.

Instantly I feel somewhat betrayed. Yes, it's only been 4 mths but we've spoken of a possible future together. Has he been tested for this gene? I have no idea and didn't know to even ask that when he told me last night. And he's been so withholding about his past, I feel very uncomfortable asking him.

So I guess I'm writing because I want to know how you all would feel if this was your situation? What would you do?

[KMonte85]

Maybe it is just me, but I think that 4 months is a really short period of time to expect someone to open up about everything - family genetic disorders included.

He probably didn't tell you for fear that your response would be somewhat similar to the one you had. He opened up to you about something that was traumatic to him and probably worries/affects him to this day when he felt the time was right, and in return you feel betrayed and are questioning your future with him because of what he told you? That doesn't exactly open the lines of communication for future heart-to-hearts.

Furthermore, if you are questioning your future with a man because he may suffer a genetic, health-related disorder sometime in the years to come, perhaps you are not as devoted as you might feel you are. My boyfriend has a family history of heart disease. I have a family history of breast cancer and MS. We never questioned if it was worth staying together because one/both of us might fall ill and/or die early. That is life. This man might have a 50/50 chance of battling Huntingtons Disease. He might live to be 102, but he might also get hit by a bus tomorrow (God forbid)... we are all mortal. We all have a time-stamp.

Potential future illnesses should not negate who you love and for how long.

[Ashlee T.]

I think perhaps you misunderstood, or perhaps I wasn't really clear in my explanation of what happened.

First, the reaction I've had on here, was 100% totally different than the reaction I had to him. I'm a very supportive person and I would never respond to him in that way. matter of fact, I have said nothing to him about it. He could've said "I got genetic testing and do not have the gene..." or "I do have the gene", but he didn't, so I'm left wondering and left trying to be careful and not "overstep" my boundaries. And I certainly wouldn't "dump" him because he "might" have this debilitating disease.

Second, yes 4 mths is soon to reveal certain things about yourself? But in my opinion, 4 months is also soon to be telling someone you want to marry them (which he says regularly). So while I agree with you, I also believe that if you've gotten to the point that you feel like you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you shouldn't hide things about yourself that could drastically effect your future together. Huntingtons Disease would without any doubt effect our future together. Why? Because by age 30-40 if he had this GD, he'd begin to lose his coordination, his cognitive functions, suffer from severe behavioral and psychological changes, dimentia, and die a long slow death (as his mother did). Another reason it would affect our future, our children would have a 50% chance of having the same GD. So yes.....I think the second he started talking about spending his life with me, he should've been forthcoming about his own life, his own possible future, etc. In my opinion, those things are not things you wait to tell someone until you're married.

I could find out tomorrow that I have cancer. I could indeed be hit by a bus. I'm aware that we are all mortal, we do not know what our futures hold. But I think we hold a certain moral responsiblity to the people we're with. Once we get to a certain age in life, dating is not just about fun and games...it's about a possible future. He has known for the duration of our relationship that my dad died from a heart attack, that 3 of my cousins have MS, that my grandmother died from breast cancer. Why? Because I share things with him. And I can assure you that if I knew there was a 50/50 chance I had breast cancer right now, he'd know about it. I can assure you that if I knew I had a 50/50 chance of passing on a debilitating fatal disease to future offspring, he'd know about it. We have responsibility to the one we're with.

[KMonte85]

Yes, the clarifications do definitely help! Thanks for re-posting. From your first post I understood that you were forthcoming to him about feeling betrayed by his telling you about his potential genetic disease... glad to hear you were supportive while he was opening up to you! I'm sure that was a huge relief to him.

It seems odd that he wants to be so serious and yet he does not want to share things with you that people in serious (potentially lifelong) relationships would. It is one thing if he wants to take things slow... it is another if he wants to marry you, but keep his past shrouded in mystery. It is difficult for people like that to open up, and I have a feeling that it may be an ongoing issue for your relationship.

I would say that if you are seriously considering marrying this man, then you should try to overcome your sense of discomfort in asking him to open up about his past. You should feel comfortable asking these questions if you believe that it will significantly affect your future together. If you can't ask the big questions without thinking it might push him away, and if he can't open up to you about important aspects of his past and possible future, then how can the relationship grow?

[Ashlee T.]

In the past, I've tried to respect his privacy and kept thinking that eventually when he felt comfortable enough to, he'd open up. I think he desperately wants to open up about it but really doesn't know how. When he was very small (before his mom became affected by the disease) his father and mother split and he remarried and instantly started a new family and is now 11 kids later. My fella has always longed for that relationship and longed to feel wanted. And I think he's incredibly fearful of rejection. Now that I realize what a huge issue this is for him, I'm even more reluctant to bring it up.......ya know? He's basically said that he'll talk about it when he wants to....so I try to give him that space.

However, when I realized that part of this past he's hiding could drastically affect our future together, I became very concerned and don't quite know what to do about it. Part of me feels very sorry for him, and part of me feels angry at him for keeping all this stuff so secret.

I'm not one of those "love at first sight" gals....I believe that in order for love to grow there has to be some level of transparency between people. And you're right, it's going to be very hard for that love to ever grow as long as there are big time secrets. I'm sort of at the point right now I just don't know what to think.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

50% is exactly that... That's probably his thoughts as well, whether he has the gene or not, it's an un-known and it's also probably a fear.

It would be frightening to tell each new relationship as you lose each one because they haven't gotten to know you as a person to then make their own management decision. 16 weeks and he has told you that's fair.. It's not 12 months sweet.

It's not like it's inevitable that he will have it, it's 50% chance that he will.

The other thing is women are much more open than men. Men don't usually talk about things of their past so freely but we do.

I can tell you of two dates, over the past 12 months whom wouldn't take things further even though there was chemistry and some same core values, laughter and a fair compatibility, because I smoke and because one of their parents died from Cancer, from smoking... How does that make me feel? A bit like your comment, but I could get hit by a car, die on a plane, anything...

If you love someone, then you take them warts and all and thank God that they were in your life and part of your life how ever long they were in it for, it's a blessing.

I understand your own fear... but we all die of something at any age.

I don't think he held it from you, there are lots of things of his past that he has told you from your last post and he also opened up and told you about his Mother after 16 weeks together, friendship before that doesn't count.

Try to look at it that way... 16 weeks and he has opened up sweet.

It would be hard for him and a fear as I said, so not an easy discussion to have with anyone.

And, an assumption because as I said 50% is exactly that... If it was a definate 100% yes, then a person should warn, first off regardless of losing everyone they come across until someone says, it doesn't matter I'll stay thanks.

Don't know.. we all have a gene of something trust me...

CW

[ThexMrs]

I've been dating a man for 8 months and 4 months into our relationship he told me that he had two children, two boys, a 9 and 5 year old. I was shocked. I continued on in this relationship though because I do care about him. He also has a dark past that he refuses to talk about. He told me that his childhood was bad but never elaborated on anything. He still hasn't. I've outright asked him and he says things like, "I'm not ready to open up" and on one occasion "I promise I will tell you tomorrow." It never happened though. I quit pushing... If he doesn't want to tell you, he won't. That's just how it is. I do feel though that you should be upfront and ask him. It's only fair.

[Ashlee T.]

Thanks all......I guess I'm just peturbed because it's like he gives me tidbits of information....sort of like the horse and carrot situation. It took 4 months for him to even tell me HOW his mother died. Then when I said "I don't even know what Huntingtons disease is" he said nothing. He didn't bother to explain it, nor tell me he had or had not been tested, etc. I like things to be upfront, so that I am given the right to deal with it the best I can. When important information is withheld, it's almost like they're tricking you........"oh I'll wait until she loves me and THEN tell her". And I think that is selfish.

I'm dealing with it. I want to know more. I want to know if he's been tested. And I will ask him or it will eat me up. Why shouldn't he want me to know? Yes, 50% is only 50%.......but that's only a 50% chance that he has the gene. If he does have the gene, there is a 100% chance he will suffer from the disease.

It's scary to think that I could fall in love with someone that would hold such secrets. Someone that might possibly knowingly sacrifice the things they know I want in a future with someone......just because they don't want me to leave. Someone that is so passive aggressive that they bottle up every resentment from birth to now, never say a word to anyone about it, and then take those resentments and insecurities out on the person they're with.

Opening up is one thing.....and for some things comes with time. Life altering things are different. CW I think smoking is a good example. If you have lost a smoker parent to lung cancer then you have first hand witnessed the wrath of smoking. You've seen it, touched it, and felt that wrath in every way possible. At that point, you reserve the right to say " I will never date someone that smokes" Why? Because maybe you're looking for a life long partner, and even though anyone can get cancer, those who smoke increase the risk so drastically that maybe you're not willing to put yourself in that situation. So, because that person has been upfront with you about their smoking, you can make a well informed decision for yourself prior to letting yourself get too close to that person.

I am hoping that I don't have to ask him, I'm hoping that he will just tell me. Keep in mind CW that though he told me after 16 weeks......he wasn't forthcoming. He told me because I brought it up and an hour later he told me. His honesty would carry a lot of weight with me. I care a lot for this person. And I need his honesty.......I need to know if my future with him is hidden in his hands.

[KMonte85]

Maybe you should just try to enjoy him for what he is NOW... his history made him that, but his history is just that. HISTORY. There is nothing that he or you can do about that, and I feel like you might be missing out on an otherwise good man because he doesn't like dwelling on his past. As long as you know that he was not some serial killer, or has a wife and kids in another town... I guess I don't see why needing his genetic background and family history needs to be a big deal right now.

After 4 months, he might be talking marriage, but from his actions he seems like he isn't comfortable enough to give you the intimate details that marriage requires. Maybe you just need to put the idea of spending the rest of your life with this man on the backburner and enjoy your time getting to know each other slowly and then crossing that bridge in the future when he does finally have that level of comfort with you. Afterall, you are still in the honeymoon stage - and who doesn't enjoy that time!?!

[jnd2009]

Coincidently I just finished an entire research project on Huntington's disease. It's going to be hard to explain since I'm looking at it on a scientific level. He is correct on a 50% chance of his children having it, IF he did get that aspect (allele) of the gene from his mother. Not every person in the family will have this disease obviously. Everyone has this gene, it's when the protein the gene makes goes abnormal is the problem. There are different 'levels' of the disease. So even though 50% chance, of those 50% who obtain the disease, they may turn out completely normal. They also may not show problems until later in life, or I should say develop the disease until later in life, althought either way finding out your children have a disease is not easy to digest.
I know I probably wasn't that much help, but if you'd like me to answer any questions about Huntington's in more detail feel free to ask! I'm a walking google for that disease