[SN2S??]

I'm sure many of you have ready read and maybe even commented on these types of threads before. For which I am thankful and look to receive some of your advice through that experience.

I have been involved in a sexual relationship with a married man for nearly 3 months now. He is a newlywed of one year, been with his wife for 4 years, and there are no children involved.

The basis on which we met was purely sexual. I am 27 and he is 33. We are both very well educated and emotionally mature individuals. My concerns surround falling in love with each other. We had a tough few days, and almost called it off completely because he does not want me to be involved with anyone else on any level. So basically over trust. Your probably laughing I know, but bear with me.

He reviled to me that he has fell in love with me and knows of no way to change, modify, or stop how he feels. Prior to his falling in love with me he did not express his jealousy. But now that he loves me he feels like he should, and that I should honor that and not communicate with my ex, date others, and to cut off male friends who have expressed interest in me, etc. Hence our disagreements and almost break-up.

I too have fell in love with him, but I do not feel as strongly for him as he does me. He is the first sexual partner who has pleased every fiber in my body, stimulated me intellectually, made me feel beyond special, and more. Our time spent together is not 100% sexual, but instead is developing by leaps and bounds.

We are probably what one could consider sex addicts; if it were a drug we would be addicted and constantly searching for more. But now we have broken the rules of the game and are in love.

He has no intention of leaving his wife, nor do I want him to. But I need some advice from men who have fell in love with their mistress, women who have been in this situation, and ways to help him control his emotions better.


Sorry this is lengthy. Thank you in advance for your feedback.

[PJhavinfunagain]

I have not been in your situation but know that you are setting yourself up for a lot of pain.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

No one has the right to ask you to not be "friends" with anyone whom you were previously and are friends with.. It's your life. If they have a trust issue, they have to get over it.

Seems to me your defending the "sex" component by adding in the "intellectual" therefore, this seems to you to all be okay.. But, as you know, taking someone into your bedroom, or his that belongs to someone else, will never work and will only cause heartache for all, somewhere down the path.

This "love" you personally will fall more for and deeper into as well, shame because all your doing there is knowing that each night he's sleeping with his "new bride", and being intimate with her, what a nightmare you will start to have each time you wake. Whilst on your own.

You know he doesn't have the right to ask this of you.

You know he doesn't have the right to be with you.

And, I don't care what "love" he professes, as to the reason, whilst you have done something not ethical, it's again, your life... And, the last thing you need to do is cut off your past. By doing so, as well as not dating, in general terms you will feel that he is all your life and you will never get out of this.

Just say no... I won't sleep with someone else but I will continue my life, you have yours and I will have mine.

You have to keep it because it will be your only escape when you finally realise that this is not what you should be doing and that you deserve to have someone sleep over night every night in your bed.

Don't agree, you'll just live for him as he has oliminated everyone that can threaten this.

CW

[happy ending]

i dont know if he loves you or not, that is not for me to judge, but he is trying to control. to make sure he has you when and where he wants you. to be honest i think if he did truly love you, he would walk away from his marriage and be with you. there are no children involved, nothing external to hold them together. i think he wants to have his cake and eat it.

[caterpillar79]

He wants the best of both worlds: being married, having the convinience of sex anytime he wants at home, and the nurturing that his wife would give; and the "freedom" to have any woman he wants as if he were single, and that woman happened to be you. He might have the feelings for you, but not enough to zero in to YOU only. I was once in this sort of set up, the only difference was that I was NOT aware that I was a mistress.

The moment I learned about it, I dumped him no matter how painful it was for me. It almost wrecked my life. I had my very first car accident after that - emotional driving. I had to go through counseling as well. He still tries to communicate with me up to these days. But I always hint to him that he needs to focus to his wife and kids. I am in no way going to allow myself pain and suffering for him.

It's all up to you: Do you want this set up? Some women do. Assess how you want your life would be in the long run. If you want to have a man only for yourself, then, you have to let this go and heal. You don't have to decide now. Think about it and then come back and brainstorm some more. You deserve a lot better than this.

[GlitterAndStuds]

I don't like it. Not just for the obvious reasons, but also that he can demand that you don't associate with any other men, but he can have this thing with you while having a wife? That is very hypocritical and beyond controlling. It sounds to me like this is just an overall bad situation, and you are probably in for a lot of heartache.

[caterpillar79]

He wants to feel like a king who has a wife and a concubine. It's not fair to you. I am also concerned about some health issues here.

[Hopeless Dork]

He doesn't love you. He loves himself. If he loved you he would leave his wife. If he loved you he would stay with his wife but allow you to still live your life... meet other people and if someone came around that would make you happy he'd let you go with heartache and his blessing. But no. He won't leave his wife, and no... he doesn't want you to find happiness or even the possibility of finding happiness with someone else who could give you what you deserve.

Does his wife cross your mind ever? Do you ever feel bad that the two of you are making a fool out of her? At least you have the choice to let this man use you and lie to her... but her? She doesn't even know... she is an unwilling, unknowing third party in your triangle.

You may not love this man enough to care that you are sharing him, but one day you might love a man enough to care and you will always now have to worry if he's lying to you, if he has someone else he is addicted to making love to and coming home pretending all is good with you.

He goes home, makes love to his wife (despite what he may or may not tell you, rest assure he is still having sex with his wife) he holds her, they attend functions together, they plot their future, wake up and have breakfast...

While you sit alone, not allowed to have male friends , not allowed to date, but to lay in wait for him to need your sex and your attention, and of course your stimulating conversation etc...

Its your life, we only have one of them that we know of for certain. You can spend it being at the beck and call of some man that is really good at sex, and really good at lying... or you can go off and do you... live for yourself , be a free spirit with no burdeon of being a home-wrecker, etc.

Sure he is the one cheating on his wife, not you, you don't know her... but... you know OF her... and you choose to look the other way because he satisfies you and makes you feel special.

I know you were looking for someone that can relate and sympathise with your situation, not someone to tell you what you already know... that its not a good choice. Sorry about that.

I just think if we as women, respected other women and respected ourselves... men wouldn't even have the option to do the kind of disrespect this man is doing... to BOTH you and his WIFE.

[carolina28]

I have been there. I was the other woman for a year. Fast forward, he did leave his wife, and we have been together since. It hasn't been easy, it hasn't been pain-free. All of that past, we lived through, the lying and sneaking is ALWAYS present in our current relationship. If I could go back, and change it, I would. I'm not saying I wouldn't want to be with him, but I wouldn't want to be with him the way I was. It is destructive to you, him, and his wife. At the time, I refused to let myself think about it, because I just wanted him, and nothing else mattered. A couple things, if you are in this type of relationship, you can't respect yourself, nor does he respect you or a relationship. These aren't things that you can even see. It took years for me to see that my guy has no respect for relationships. It took me being in a real relationship with him. In is painful, especially when there is love. If he did love you, he would leave his marriage, and then date you correctly. However, building a relationship on that type of beginning, sets you up for lack of trust. Trust me. I question when he is 20 minutes late. When a woman starts at his work, I wonder if she will be the one he cheats on me with. I know it wouldn't be easy, but I really think the best thing to do, is end it. There is no where for it to go.

[Hopeless Dork]

Carolina, I think you touched on a good point. A lot of women that fall for a married man's advances or persue him and he takes the bait... feel like there is something special about them that lead this man to abandon his vows. Its a rush for some (not for all of course) to feel they hold that sort of power. Some just feel like the guy would never cheat on them... the way they did WITH them because he only did it for HER... she's special enough to change his character.

While there may be an odd case that is true... in most situations its not. If a man is a cheater, its a huge character flaw... one that would have revealed with another woman if not with the one they chose to cheat with.

Some say many men are only faithful as their options, but I think many men are only as faithful as their conscience. The ones that have them, don't cheat... options or not.