OK, so I am a man and I am here to ask for healthy suggestions to a very big problem, but 1st some background.
I am a 35 year old male, 5'10", 171 lbs, fit, attractive, educated (bachelors in business). I have been married to a beautiful, educated (Dr. O.D.) for 13 years, she is also 35, we graduated high school together, but did not date until undergraduate college, married when we were 22.
We were friends in high school and attended the same church, we had very similar upbringings, neither of our parents are divorced and we both have at least one sibling.
During our marriage there have been many turbulent years, we spent nearly 4 years apart while she attended optometery school in Puerto Rico and I bought a house in our home town waiting for her return. During her absence I became a gym rat to fill my time and never once kissed, or touched another woman. I was completely faithful, COMPLETELY.
I think the first problems began on our wedding night. She did not want to have sex, (I was extremely hurt), she said she was tired and we had done it before, but we did anyway. I knew she wanted to be successful, but I did not take her drive to be successful seriously enough and discounted what she said about going to Optometry school. She applied to several schools (only 11 in the USA and PR in the late 90's and all together the class size was only 1100 students for all 11 schools combined). The closest two schools were Houston and St. Louis, she was not accepted to one and was put on a waiting list at the other. I told her no way in was she going to apply to Puerto Rico, I would not move there. Well to shorten the story, she applied was accepted and broke the news to me that she was going to move there. She asked me not to make her chose between her life long dream and her spouse, she would resent me for life if I did.
I swallowed my pride and moved to Puerto Rico with her, only to stay for a few months, not being able to find work I came back home and began my single married life here. I would see her for 2-1/2 months every summer, a few weeks at Christmas and I would take my vacation to go visit her 2 weeks out of the year. During our time apart I would go several months without any physical contact, until I saw her again. When I did see her the first thing I wanted to do was make love and spend our time romantically intertwined. The problem was she never threw herself at me when I arrived and often we would wait longer than I wanted to to become intimate.
Fastforward to 4 years later (and $100K in debt from her schooling)....we actually made it although it was living %^&*, especially towards the end. She came home and I invisioned our lives coming together and with my sacrifice and her goals behind her we could finally have the love I always dreamed of.
7 years have passed since then, we have a beautiful home, a 4 year old son and she recently bought a business and is self employed after almost 6 years in a multi-specality clinic as a partner.
During our years together upon her return there have been fights ( I have never hurt my wife physically) and I have said some very mean things about her lack of intimacy towards me. We have seen counselors numerous times and at one point I was almost ready to give up. But deep down inside I love her and was relegated to the fact that sex, intimacy, passionate kissing and desire were not just going to be part of my life, but since we had everything else I could live with that. I know the grass is greener on the other side I do not have to be told.
Intimacy and desire seem to be our only problem in the marriage. I share the load with house work, I mow the lawn, take out the trash, clean the house, cook and spend as much, or more time with our son as I feel she does. I send her flowers, buy her gifts and always put her interest first when it comes to many things, but not everything. I have been employed at the same job for 11 years and earn a respectible income, although no where near what she does.
Unfortunately, I did develop a drinking problem for about 2 years and was really down on myself with the lack of desire in the marriage. I believe it lead me to drink (although not certain), but it has been over a year since I had this problem and I see it clearly in my past.
Also, with the lack of passion I have said some mean things to her, lashing out and being a meanie. I hurt her, but hateful actions without hurt are impossible. You cannot hate without hurt it is impossible, hurt is the primary emotion and hate, or hateful behavior is the secondary emotion that stems from the hurt.
I always saw the problem as that my wife lacked to ability to desire, so I accepted it and moved on. Over the course of our marriage we began to spend more time apart and I would do activities with my brother, she would go out with friends, or go shopping by herself, for her "alone" time.
In June she revealed to me that she loved me, but was not "in love with me" anymore. I was devistated, it was a wake-up call. Since then I set out to work on this by trying to spending more time together and being there for her whenever possible, a complete reversal for what I had been doing. I have double checked e-mails and such and I see no evidence of an affair.
Last month we went on vacation to Mexico, without our son, where she hoped to find the sparkle, unfortunately she did not. Not that we did not have sex, we did, but she said she felt nothing when we did it.
Three weeks ago she said she could not make love to me anymore and left for a few days and spent the night at a married girl friends house.
She came back home and we have been trying to work through this, but she now wants there to be desire in the marriage and she is unsure if she can find it with me, since we have never had that "spark".
I have done so much research and have read several books, including "the five love languages", "the sexless marriage" and "how to save your marriage when only one of you wants to".
She recently went to see a counselor again and I have gone to see a lawyer about what a divorce entails.
She is still not feeling it and I am almost at my whits end. Does anyone have any advice? I am emotionally drained. It's hard to give her time and space and take things slowly, because I feel that's what we have done over the years and I am about to break.
thanks for any helpful advice.
I am a 35 year old male, 5'10", 171 lbs, fit, attractive, educated (bachelors in business). I have been married to a beautiful, educated (Dr. O.D.) for 13 years, she is also 35, we graduated high school together, but did not date until undergraduate college, married when we were 22.
We were friends in high school and attended the same church, we had very similar upbringings, neither of our parents are divorced and we both have at least one sibling.
During our marriage there have been many turbulent years, we spent nearly 4 years apart while she attended optometery school in Puerto Rico and I bought a house in our home town waiting for her return. During her absence I became a gym rat to fill my time and never once kissed, or touched another woman. I was completely faithful, COMPLETELY.
I think the first problems began on our wedding night. She did not want to have sex, (I was extremely hurt), she said she was tired and we had done it before, but we did anyway. I knew she wanted to be successful, but I did not take her drive to be successful seriously enough and discounted what she said about going to Optometry school. She applied to several schools (only 11 in the USA and PR in the late 90's and all together the class size was only 1100 students for all 11 schools combined). The closest two schools were Houston and St. Louis, she was not accepted to one and was put on a waiting list at the other. I told her no way in was she going to apply to Puerto Rico, I would not move there. Well to shorten the story, she applied was accepted and broke the news to me that she was going to move there. She asked me not to make her chose between her life long dream and her spouse, she would resent me for life if I did.
I swallowed my pride and moved to Puerto Rico with her, only to stay for a few months, not being able to find work I came back home and began my single married life here. I would see her for 2-1/2 months every summer, a few weeks at Christmas and I would take my vacation to go visit her 2 weeks out of the year. During our time apart I would go several months without any physical contact, until I saw her again. When I did see her the first thing I wanted to do was make love and spend our time romantically intertwined. The problem was she never threw herself at me when I arrived and often we would wait longer than I wanted to to become intimate.
Fastforward to 4 years later (and $100K in debt from her schooling)....we actually made it although it was living %^&*, especially towards the end. She came home and I invisioned our lives coming together and with my sacrifice and her goals behind her we could finally have the love I always dreamed of.
7 years have passed since then, we have a beautiful home, a 4 year old son and she recently bought a business and is self employed after almost 6 years in a multi-specality clinic as a partner.
During our years together upon her return there have been fights ( I have never hurt my wife physically) and I have said some very mean things about her lack of intimacy towards me. We have seen counselors numerous times and at one point I was almost ready to give up. But deep down inside I love her and was relegated to the fact that sex, intimacy, passionate kissing and desire were not just going to be part of my life, but since we had everything else I could live with that. I know the grass is greener on the other side I do not have to be told.
Intimacy and desire seem to be our only problem in the marriage. I share the load with house work, I mow the lawn, take out the trash, clean the house, cook and spend as much, or more time with our son as I feel she does. I send her flowers, buy her gifts and always put her interest first when it comes to many things, but not everything. I have been employed at the same job for 11 years and earn a respectible income, although no where near what she does.
Unfortunately, I did develop a drinking problem for about 2 years and was really down on myself with the lack of desire in the marriage. I believe it lead me to drink (although not certain), but it has been over a year since I had this problem and I see it clearly in my past.
Also, with the lack of passion I have said some mean things to her, lashing out and being a meanie. I hurt her, but hateful actions without hurt are impossible. You cannot hate without hurt it is impossible, hurt is the primary emotion and hate, or hateful behavior is the secondary emotion that stems from the hurt.
I always saw the problem as that my wife lacked to ability to desire, so I accepted it and moved on. Over the course of our marriage we began to spend more time apart and I would do activities with my brother, she would go out with friends, or go shopping by herself, for her "alone" time.
In June she revealed to me that she loved me, but was not "in love with me" anymore. I was devistated, it was a wake-up call. Since then I set out to work on this by trying to spending more time together and being there for her whenever possible, a complete reversal for what I had been doing. I have double checked e-mails and such and I see no evidence of an affair.
Last month we went on vacation to Mexico, without our son, where she hoped to find the sparkle, unfortunately she did not. Not that we did not have sex, we did, but she said she felt nothing when we did it.
Three weeks ago she said she could not make love to me anymore and left for a few days and spent the night at a married girl friends house.
She came back home and we have been trying to work through this, but she now wants there to be desire in the marriage and she is unsure if she can find it with me, since we have never had that "spark".
I have done so much research and have read several books, including "the five love languages", "the sexless marriage" and "how to save your marriage when only one of you wants to".
She recently went to see a counselor again and I have gone to see a lawyer about what a divorce entails.
She is still not feeling it and I am almost at my whits end. Does anyone have any advice? I am emotionally drained. It's hard to give her time and space and take things slowly, because I feel that's what we have done over the years and I am about to break.
thanks for any helpful advice.
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