[m1965m]

I have been with guys now for five and a half year, he asked me to marry him a year and a half ago. Two weeks ago I gave him the ring back and told him I was tired of friends asking me when is the big date or jocking still no date. At that time all my intension was to see if he wants to set a date or not. After arguments and discussions I got the following reasons: he has been forced to get maried the first time, we have communication issue, I am the love of his life but he is not ready for marriage, I have a son I need to raise and he is not ready to become a stepfather. We did not broke up, but I am not sure what to do, do I wait for him to be ready or just get rid of him? He recommended to live together as a test to see if we all get along.
Please help figure this out!

[Ashlee T.]

You gave his ring back, but in your mind only as a way to make him commit to a date?

When you use such a symbol as leverage like that, you take away it's meaning.

Nonetheless, Sounds to me like this man is in no way shape or form ready for marriage. Probably gave you the ring to keep from losing you. He's not ready. Count your blessings that he's smart enough to let you know these things......count your blessings that he's smart enough to know that he doesn't want to make the same mistake twice.

I know you've been dating a long time.....but why the need to get married just yet? If it's something incredibly important to you then you need to think about the fact that it may never be important to this man. He's unsure. He has questions, doubts etc. Thank GOODNESS he's not going through with something he has doubts about. Because in the long run that would be damaging to him, to you, and to your son. He says he's not ready to be a stepfather? Well, you have a son. That's not going to change. A man that cannot accept your child? A deal breaker. You are the love of his life? If thats true, then that means your son is too right? Yet he doesn't want to marry you because you have a child.

Now may be a good time to take a step back, calm down, stop worrying about whether or not your friends think you should be married, or should've set a date. Think about what is TRULY important to you. Talk to him when you're calm and tell him how you feel. Be honest with him, be honest with yourself.

What do YOU want for you and for your son?

Can he give you that? Is he willing to?

Outside of the marriage thing, does he truly make you happy, give you what you need, have the kind of relationship with your son that a man you want to spend the rest of your life with should have?

If NO, then you must either accept what he is willing to give, or move on. Harsh as it may sound..... most importance here: You and your son.

[KMonte85]

Ultimatums rarely work, the person who was given the ultimatum feels jilted and resentful and the person who threatened with the ultimatum doesn't usually get the outcome they were hoping for, and if they do then they have to deal with a jilted and resentful person.

It does sound like you two should work on your communication so when frustrations get high, angry words and dramatic situations don't ensue.


On another note, are you sure you want to marry a man who has told you flat out that he does not want to be a father to your son? That does not sound like it will be a healthy situation for anyone.

[Guest]

What they said. ^^^^^

[CHANDLERS WISH]

On the first note, you do have communication issues, but "both of you".. You, as you felt that you had to "deceive" in order to get a conversation, answer.. Him, for not being forthcoming before this.

After 5 years, ask youself something here.. Do you need to be told that he's not ready to become a step-dad? Haven't you noticed? Seen him with your son, no bond as you would want for your son? Because the only other, avenue, really is "financial" responsibility..

Being forced, to marry last time. Does he have children to that relationship?

Some people put things in boxes. Last marriage, this one will be the same, not doing it.. (no compromise?), perhaps in other areas, he lacks that, only you can answer that but this is actually, stereotyped, the belief they are all the same.

Would you call him a batchelor? Does he love still spending alot of time with mates? A few beers after work, alone time?

So are you therefore, with:-

A Bathelor
Someone who doesn't communicate
Someone who is stereotyped
Someone who doesn't want to adopt and love your son as his
So, someone selfish and un-loving


There are two of you.. Blood.

There is a man.

If the three can't unite as one, in a loving manner, then you always.....stick....with blood..

Your child should feel love.

You should feel love..

And, if it's not given? Then you allow that person to enter your life, therefore, you start a fresh.

CW

[LOVE_RAYNE]

5 years is a long time. communication is the key to a good relationship you guys need to talk more. this is kind of the issue i had with my bf of 2 yrs we talk more then ever now cuz i know its what we have to do he and i both arent mind readers. You have 2 choices to make u can stay together and work on the issues you guys have with each other whether u have to write them down and give them to each other or dont waste anymore time and do whats right for u and your child. its misleading for him to do this to u and definatly missleading to your child.

[WildChild]

How are you?
How old is he?
How old is your child?
You are a package deal, you'll always be your child's mother, any man who comes into your life will be a stepfather, if he doesn't want that role, he has no place in your life - not as intimately as a spouse or live in. Your child comes first.