[MrsDeadCeleb]

..but no-one told me it could be this (EDIT) up either.

It wouldn't be right if people could have everything. The world would be more of a (edit) than it is already and people would be even bigger w*nkers than they already are. Life would be boring and we could never really appreciate what we have.

But when you've spent a big chunk of your life suffering, every night crying yourself to the point of exhaustion, having to be literally dragged out of bed even on christmas day, countless nights spent just staring at the ceiling in a daze, wishing to God with everything that you have that you could just have SOMEBODY to love you.

Family love you've never felt, friends just take what they can get then fade away. All you want is to feel capable of love, spend even a day feeling human, not numb. Have somebody there to come home to, to wrap your arms around, to feel their heart beat, to know that they love you as much as you love them.

Then one day, when you're at the lowest you've been in years, ready to just drift away from your life like anyone you've ever cared about has done to you before, you meet someone who is even more perfect than anyone you could ever have dreamt up. Genuine, honest, faithful, funny, loving. Perfect.

Knowing that this incredible person loves you just as much as you love them, knowing your life would be nothing without that person in it, never having felt so much emotion for someone like this. Never believing anyone before when they tell you you are beautiful, that you are a good person, that you are good enough, that you are strong enough to face anything that is thrown at you. Learning to appreciate who you are and all the years of that you have suffered.

You would sacrifice anything to spend your life with this person and you do. Giving up your job, your home, your social life.. Moving to literally the otherside of the country.

Now your life is the complete opposite of what it was. You don't have a job, everyone you know is miles away, you feel a bit useless and lazy struggling to get a job, make friends, have something to do during the day other than clean the house and wait for the person you worship to come back home to you.

Only now, you have that person in your life. You have a reason to wake up everyday, just so you can look over in the morning and see them lying next to you. So you can spend the day with them, so you can enjoy life, your life with them. Your relationship is perfect and you would give up everything all over again for this person, if you had to, if they asked. But, really, what's it all worth?

Everyday you are feeling more and more worthless. Six months have passed and still you can't find a job, you feel asthough you are 'spongeing', taking advantage of that person. You start to lack the motivation to do anything, then you start to lack the energy. You get lonely during your partner's long shifts at work and have no-one to talk to, nothing to do. You start to feel worthless, lose your self-respect, constantly feel guilty, unmotivated, useless. You may start questioning what is best for this person who you worship so much. Surely it would be better if you left them? Both of you would be devastated, it would take probably forever for you to get over eachother. But you would be able to get your lives back on track. Would you do it? Would that be the right thing to do? Let's face it, either way you're going to suffer, hate yourself.

All the sacrifices would've been for nothing. All the promises would have been meaningless, fade away like everything else. But maybe that person you love and worship so much would be better off, eventually. Though they wouldn't see it at the time.

How do you know what's right? Do you follow your head or your heart?
Maybe giving up the one thing that makes you happy is the final sacrifice.

True love (and i can't stress that enough), or self-worth and stability?

[caterpillar79]

I do use my head a lot of times. But I always follow where my heart leads me. Life is too short for me to miss a day without the man I love. Whenever I have this compelling urge to tell him I care and love him, I do even if I come across as cheesy (I hope not needy because I don't think I am).

It depends on your situation, Mrs.DC...what lead you to these mind-boggling questions? Boredom? I should say, "Good vent!" though. This is good.

Are you just plainly getting bored of your routine? Do you have other hobbies? Since you're relatively new to the area, you should explore it more. Have your partner with you when you do some expedition of your area.

Make friends with neighbors, maybe go to a church that you feel most comfy of going, read, write stories/journal, - anything that would allow you to have that control over yourself and things around you.

You raised a good talking point. Reading your post is almost like reading through my thoughts and feelings right now. I have been sick today, feverish even, and I felt miserable.

Once more, I realized how helpless and vulnerable I am right now - so empty without my other half. Part of me says though that this is a good sign. It only means that we make a perfect "union". I just felt the normal reaction of being apart once more.

I see your case is more of feeling empty and burnt out due to the absence of "other things" to do aside from your usual routine. You should find some creative ways to have your "me" time and get that self-worth back. I am with you on that. I am actually greasing up my gears to this as I would be facing a similar ground soon.

Knowing that you are not alone is a good start to feel good. Doing something to be proactive is better. Following through it and sharing with your loved one how you feel is the best way to go.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Everyday you are feeling more and more worthless. Six months have passed and still you can't find a job, you feel asthough you are 'spongeing', taking advantage of that person. You start to lack the motivation to do anything, then you start to lack the energy. You get lonely during your partner's long shifts at work and have no-one to talk to, nothing to do. You start to feel worthless, lose your self-respect, constantly feel guilty, unmotivated, useless. You may start questioning what is best for this person who you worship so much.

Ask and you shall receive.

Believe and it shall happen.

Listen to what your saying? All your life you wanted love and now you have it.. He can not helpt that he works and you are lonely, it is you that needs to get off your butt and develop friends, develop more love, bring more love into your life, your neighbours, a social event that you can attend and stop GIVING UP ON LIFE.

You asked for it and it was given to you... and now you want to walk .. to what? A worse scenario? Completely on your own? No one again to love you?

Everyone is suffering financially, work wise. Everywhere in this World.

Believe.

Get that resume out and don't care if you work cutting sandwiches, go and find something, anything because YOU BELIEVE.

Talk to your man and tell him you feel low, bad, down and out and that you have decided to get off your butt and stop letting the world rule you , you are going to rule the world and in that, you WILL find a job and whilst your at it, hobbies and friends.

If this didn't make you feel like sugar? WT?

Then in the meantime, go see your Doctor and tell him your depressed to the point that your not seeing clearly and need a hand for a while.

Nice to hear from you again on another note

CW

[caterpillar79]

And... blog it here, but you need to have 33 posts at least. I find that blogging is one of my "feel good" activities.

[MrsDeadCeleb]

Hmm.. Sorry about the language, CW Won't happen again.

Cat, it's not just boredom, though that is a part of it, i just feel like i'm taking advantage of him. I'm not the type to let people wait on me, i like to contribute and be helpful. In this situation i can't be. We're currently trying to renovate our home, it's practically derelict and we want to move but with all the debts and with me not working.. with my better half working twelve hours a day the work usually gets left to me, which i don't mind too much. Since i'm not working i want to be as useful as possible but i've been really ill for a couple of months now.
It seems like everything costs money which we don't have and though my partner and i make the effort to have quality time together when he gets home, he is of course exhausted and i worry about his health so after a while i end up practically forcing him to get some sleep. Vicious circle, hehe.

CW, i think you hit the nail on the head. I like your honesty (eventhough i felt a bit stupid and what's left of my already waning ego was affected a tad, haha), it is very sincere and straight-foward and i guess that's what i need.
The area that we live in is not the best for socializing.. it's mostly just horrible, rough teenagers, and we're right in the countryside so there's not many places around..
You're right that if i leave i'd still be in the same situation, except worse cos i wouldn't have him, but i'm trying not to think of myself here. I know he would be devastated if i left but atleast then he would have a chance at making it.
He's a musician and he's constantly putting off any work in his spare time so he can spend time with me, if i wasn't here he could get it done and not have to worry about it. I've offered to get up there with him but our neighbour is a pain in the butt and complains about the noise so he wears his headphones up there, so what would be the point? I just want what's best for him, i don't want to be holding him back from this great life he could have.

Gah! This whole situation is driving me crazy. Oh and.. Me and anti-depressants/councillors don't mix! Would only make things worse

But thank you both for your take!

[caterpillar79]

Let me be a devil's advocate for a while...

You think it would make him better off? What right have you to decide for him? Has he aired any disgust or complaint about you NOT being able to pitch in financially? He loves you and that is why he is doing his best to be able to give you a better life. It is hard now, but this hardship would soon end, wouldn't it?

If you leave because you think it is the best thing to do, you might just jeopardize happiness which is waiting in the corner. Look, if you split, you will be both devastated. Both your health, emotional and physical capabilities would dwindle. Why waste your time apart when you could make quite a team?

Right now, you could not contribute financially - that is temporary. It can change. You need to work on your perspective. There are things that you cannot change, but you can change the way you see them.

You know what I am thinking right now, your best contribution AS OF THE MOMENT, is your good health, emotional, mental, physical and spiritual well-being. You are wanting to share, whilst you don't have the financial capacity, BUT, if you save a trip to the doctor by not becoming ill, by taking care of yourself first, and then him, have you not pitched in?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

LOL, Sorry I can be that way, I write how I "feel" about how the person is expressing.

Can you not go with him, so he doesn't put the job off, rather you both spend time together, you watch him?

Can you not buy some seedlings and start creating a garden, fresh food? Something you have created, saves money and also something you can watch grow, a passion.

Sit with him "up there" so what he puts headphones, take a book and look up and smile. It's still togetherness and it gives him the beauty of you sharing his passion.

He works, you work around the home, you both work for each other.. Off course he's tired, so run a bath, and massage his shoulders, togetherness

He wouldn't want you to leave in a pink fit. And being ill for 2 months will wear you down and I think that's all it is, you kind of lost your way a bit there, that's all.

Cat's right, all you need to focus on for now is your health, and therefore, emotional well being, stressing about it all will continue to make you ill and probably has, which brings a downward spiral effect.

But, look at that togetherness.... That's all it will take.

You'll get your strength, and smiles back and you can search then for added work

[MrsDeadCeleb]

Bloody men. I know it's hardly his fault, it's not anyones (apart from the Governments'), but women are so much easier to talk to. See with my exes -who were all female- this wouldn't even be an issue. We'd have a chat over a bottle of wine, hug, then it'd be sorted. Tut.

I'm not making decisions for him -he's definitely an Alpha male, so he really does wear the trousers- i wouldn't just leave, i'd talk to him about it first. We just worship eachother so i'm always trying to compensate for being currently useless and he has a tendency to always put me first, god bless him.

I think you're both right though. Thank you
I couldn't leave him, he's amazing. Am just really self-destructive, don't know what the heck is wrong with me recently

[CHANDLERS WISH]

First post - venting, been ill, feeling a bit sorry for yourself, down and out, shirt like we don't go through that?

Second, third post? Full of smiles, happiness.

Men verses women? Don't even get me started

Like that song "Don't worry, be happy"...

[caterpillar79]

Awww, we, being the "royal we" (save me the laughs, please)...we deal with a lot of hormonal processes that make us feel blah! We have our episodes, we are like waves - sometimes pristine and calm, and then sometimes turbulent and threateningly perilous.

Acknowledge that fact. Whenever you feel 'blah' try to do something productive. You can always come here and vent.