[Amber]

I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of four and a half months. It is complicated but he broke it off. I'm just starting this thread so I don't back out for some stupid reason later on but will updated it better later on. Because I do need some advise here. I don't know how to get through this. I'm not sure what anyone can tell me here. People say it just takes time.

But I can't stop thinking about him. I have been going to single events about three times a week just to get out of the house but when I'm not, I'm thinking about him. Or even when I'm at those events, I find myself wishing I was there with him instead. It is obviously not doing me any good. Any little thing sets off memories of him and it hurts so much.

I originally started a thread on the lounge area of this board when I was still with him. Here is the link. https://www.womens-health.com/boards...t-turn-me.html

I'm not looking for help here on the sex issues. That I'll continue to get through with the friends I have met on the other section. But here I'm trying to just get some advise on how to get over him.

I have to get going right now and I know I haven't told you much of anything here. I'll fill you in better later on. The background is all in the lounge thread but I don't expect you to spend your afternoon reading through it. But if you have nothing else to do, it is there for you to read.

[Amber]

How do you stop loving someone

I just wanted to add that it is not just forgetting about him but how to get over him. I love him so much and even though I'm grasping it more than the first day, I still can't believe that he is gone. It is almost as I don't want to forget him but then I know I have to. I guess another question I have for you is how do you stop loving someone? It hurts so much. I wonder if I will ever be over him.

I'll give you the history later on.

[kygirl]

I guess another question I have for you is how do you stop loving someone? It hurts so much. I wonder if I will ever be over him.

I'll give you the history later on.

Amber... OH how many times I've said those very words. I don't know that you ever really stop loving someone once you love them, but you learn to move on and love someone new. Everytime someone would tell me that I'd go on and on about how they didn't understand and this was different, etc... But I can promise you that in time, you will learn to find someone new and to begin forming a new love.

I believe you love people differently and for different reasons, so it may always seems like you won't love someone the way you loved him. Perhaps you don't really, but it will get easier. I can promise that you are on the right track by getting out... When I was younger, I also used to keep a journal. It was good to track things and how I was feeling to see how I was improving even if I didn't realize it.

Hang in there! Good luck!!

[Texinator]

Amber, could some of your feelings for him stem from the fact that he was your first true boyfriend? Or might you be afraid that nobody else is going to ever be interested in you?

I agree that once you've had something with someone it's unlikely to ever go away completely even if you're no longer with that person. But maybe you should focus more on the future than on the past.

Truth is that you're gonna find someone again. And if you're patient enough then you're gonna find a special person that deserves to be in a relationship with you.

You gotta give yourself more credit. We've been talking since your first post and you come across like an independent and intelligent lady. You need to start understanding that and realize you deserve someone good.

I'm not saying your boyfriend wasn't good, but the thing is that he had issues that happened to interfere with your issues. Nobody's fault, just bad luck. So the next one needs to be more compatible by having more confidence and patience.

[Amber]

Amber, could some of your feelings for him stem from the fact that he was your first true boyfriend?

Tex, i honestly don't know. Maybe it is harder because it is my first true boyfriend and I don't know how to deal with the breakup. I can at least say that much.

I think a little of it is how it ended and how I didn't get the final closure. Even though to him he sees it as closed.

A little of the background. My ex said that the main reason why he ended it was because he realized that there are issues he needs to deal with on his own. When he met me he was still living with his ex. They had lived with each other for over 13yrs. The first three years, it was good for them. Then it started to go down hill. And for the next ten years, he lived with her more platonically because they both were in a rut. About a year and a half before a met him, she had finally pulled the last straw and he told her to get out. But she took forever to get out. My ex and I met in May and started dating in the beginning of June. She didn't move out of his house until finally the middle of September.

That is when I started to see him at his house and that is when we had sex for the first time. I was a virgin until this past April, in which I had a friends with benefit relationship with a guy. We did it only three times before I knew it was not for me. My ex was my first real boyfriend and I'm now 36yrs old. Yep, I was a virgin at 35. in the bedroom, first with that friend and then with my ex, I was having problems. I couldn't relax and was always nervous. I finally told this by email to my ex in early October, that I was now having problems with him in bed also. But what got to him the most was the fact that I didn't feel anything when I kissed him. He saw that as us not having any chemistry. He couldn't take this.

I saw my ex for the last time about a month ago. At that time we were going to just separate. He said he never got over his ex. Not emotionally but the reprocussion of her. She use to belittle him and put him down. She was also very controlling. He now has some self asteem issues. Other issues also but he wouldn't go into them really. I really thought we would get back together in a few months. That is how he talked. But then two weeks later, he emails me and tells me that his problems are much worse than he originally thought and he didn't know when, if ever, he would be ready for a relationship. He wanted me to move on with out him.

I had asked him to look me up when he is finally happy with himself, no matter how long it takes. If I'm not seeing anyone, maybe we could get back together. I wasn't going to wait for him but I figured if I wasn't with someone at the time he was ready, we could get back together. But he emails me back saying he couldn't promise me that. He couldn't get over the lack of feeling I have when we kiss. He said he doesn't think I would ever be satisfied if I gave up something like that, not feeling your lover's kiss. Keep in mind he got fireworks when we kissed, it was just something wrong on my end.

I'm now seeing a sex therapist to help me with all of this. But I asked her about not feeling when I kiss him. She told me the butterflies in your stomach and the heart acceleration is like an arousal. It happens because two people have feelings for each other and get aroused when they even see them, anticipating kissing or when they kiss. We came to the conclusion that my mind is never in on the kissing. I'm always wondering if I'm doing it right or not and my mind is never on it. When he touches my body in other places, I can relax because I don't have to worry about doing something wrong, and it feels wonderful.

So I email him back saying that there is no reason why I can't feel his kiss. I need to learn how to focus on him.

Ever since we started to talk about the lack of feeling his kissing, he no longer told me what he felt of me. He told me he cared once when I told him about a health problem that had started before we split. But I don't know if that caring is more just a friend type of caring and not having feelings for me type of caring.

In that same email I had asked him if he did still have feelings for me. Or when he ended it with me, was that part of his healing process, to get rid of me. He never emailed me back. It makes me wonder if he ever really had feelings for me or not. Or when he found out that I couldn't feel his kiss, his flimsy feelings died. But the last time I saw him, he chocked up at times and had tears in his eyes. That was no act. Why act like that if he didn't have feelings for me. So that holds on to the idea that he does.

I don't know what to believe but I do know that I can't stop thinking about him. We had it so good or at least I though we had. I had no clue he had all of those problems inside of him. I keep remembering all that we had and how much I miss him. He is sweet, caring, has a great sense of humor, and intelligent to describe a little of him. We had the same interest in different hobbies and such. I use to love being with him. And now I dont' know how to stop thinking about him. Just get over him. Forget he exist. That is what he is telling me to do, at least until I'm over him. He said he would like to be friends but I don't know if I can ever be just friends. He has moved on. I wish I could do it as easily as I'm guessing he did it.

When I go out to events, I try having fun but I usually fail miserably at that. I find myself thinking of him and comparing all men to him. And how I wish I was with him instead. I'm not looking for another guy just yet but I do run into them at these events.

I see or do something and it reminds me of him. And it hurts so much. He use to always talk about the future and how I would be part of it. At first I was leary of that but eventually played the same game. Now I'm paying for that one.

I know I have to get over him but it is so hard. I keep wishing he would come back but I know he is not. He has already moved on and I have to do the same. It is just that it hurts so much!!

Or might you be afraid that nobody else is going to ever be interested in you?

Tex, I do have that worry and maybe in the back of the mind, maybe that is what is making this even harder. I really don't know. But right now I find myself comparing him to other men and none of them compare to him. And he wasn't perfect. Not saying he was but it was him who I cared deeply for. I know I have to give him up. I just don't know how. I'm guessing there is not much that can be done. Everyone just keeps saying that it takes time. Eventually it will get better.

[Amber]

kygirl, I heard someone else also mention a journal. I was wondering though if that would make me think of him all the more. But not that I think I could stop thinking about him anyways.

I agree that once you've had something with someone it's unlikely to ever go away completely even if you're no longer with that person. But maybe you should focus more on the future than on the past.

Tex, I know you are right about just focusing on the future. It is just so hard to forget about him. But I know I have to.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think a little of it is how it ended and how I didn't get the final closure

Unfortunately, there never is final closure in so many cases and it's the wondering that keeps us thinking.

I think if his ex was controlling, be-littled him and made him in-secure, emotionally, he isn't ready for a relationship and knowing that you were worried him, 10 yrs is a long time and still living under the same roof even after breaking it off, that connection for one and a half years.

I think that's all the closure you will get... He's not emotionally available... only physically and I think Tex said that on the other post, where you are emotionally but not physically.

So the two can't marry and be one, so to speak.

What you need to see is the beauty that you know what constitutes a relationship and that you have experiemented and tried, that experience and that there are now many more of those to come, because you've opened yourself up to have one.

Another learning curb in life so be excited that you now know that you can love and be with someone, now add the attraction in a different sense as well as the knowledge of sexual being as you learn and then when you walk into the next relationship it will be extremely special...

This was a stepping stone to the success that you will achieve in the near future in your next relationship.

[caterpillar79]

What can't kill you can make you stronger. Easier said than realized, but TRUE.

The classic "time heals all wounds" is true. Yet, I am guilty of this as well - I felt as if time re-hashed old feelings, hence, I didn't heal that well, until a magical turn came my way.

Change the way you see things. Also, change your usual thought pattern - for every memory that comes to you about him, plan on how to divert your thoughts and think about something different. This is tricky, but it is mind conditioning. it is difficult at first since it is not natural to you, but through constant reminder and practice, you would soon get to it.

Do get more busy with physical fitness activities. This would at least help release some tension and stress.

[kygirl]

kygirl, I heard someone else also mention a journal. I was wondering though if that would make me think of him all the more. But not that I think I could stop thinking about him anyways.

Amber, I really think being able to have an outlet for your feelings (whether it's this board, a friend or a journal) will be able to help you get to the root of your feelings and also help you sort through things. Like you said, if you're already thinking about him anyway, maybe it'd be good to write down some thoughts, make lists of what you miss, what you disliked about it, what you're afraid of, things you want to do and accomplish.

Everytime I end a relationship, I freak out. Granted I'm a few years younger than you, but I can tell you that it is no less scary at 28 or 22 or 45 or whatever age someone is to feel like maybe they might have to be alone or that no one else will love them, but that mentality will keep you trapped in an unsatisfying relationship. I haven't had time to read your entire long post yet, but trust me, there is more out there. You just have to believe that you deserve it and will find it...

My thought is one day at a time Don't let yourself stress too much about forever... it puts too much pressure on you!

[GlitterAndStuds]

Amber- I think everybody feels that way when they end an important relationship with someone. From the sounds of it, you guys broke up not too long ago, so it's still kind of fresh for you. There's nothing wrong with being sad about it and taking time to grieve it.

The closure thing is probably a big part of it, on top of it being one of your first serious relationships. Believe me, I was once hung up on the same guy for over 2 years, and it was mostly because we never really "ended" it over that time. Yeah, it was done but he would keep appearing, disappearing, playing head games... it was ridiculous. Once I finally told him I wasn't doing it anymore and started dating other people WITHOUT feeling obligated to him, it was awesome. I know this isn't what your ex is doing, but I'm just saying I understand the feeling and it CAN be done.

It's not easy and will take time. You don't just lose all feelings for someone over a few weeks. I think I can speak for many people when I say that there's always that point right after a breakup where you think you'll always love them, and you're never going to find anyone else, but it gets better. Like Cat said, way easier said than done.. but it can be done. One day at a time