[MissingNaction]

I need to get some feedback on this. I recently found out about my husbands affair. We are trying to work it out and things are improving daily. However, I just found out that he put some kind of spy software on my computer. He got my email password and has been tracking my online usage. It really ****es me off. I didn't do anything wrong and I feel like my privacy is gone. I tried to explain to him that I need privacy and I need space. He hasn't listened. He said that he would stop monitoring my computer but he didn't. I need to be able to be on my computer without fear that he is watching my every move.

[Ashlee T.]

He now lives in fear that you're going to do to him what he did to you. Or perhaps he wants to see what sites you visit to see whether or not you are plotting to leave him. His guilty conscience....because of HIS actions..and now he makes you pay for it.

Where there is no trust, there is no relationship, there is no love. You say things are improving daily, but how can they be? He's gone so far as to put spy software on your computer! Wonder what all else he is doing to spy on you that you don't even know about? Recording your private phone calls? Video recording you when you're home alone? Makes me wonder.

I commend you for trying to work things out because for me, cheating is impardonable, maybe forgivable......but really is it? And even if it is, do you ever forget it...? No........therefore do you ever live your life with that peace and freedom in love that anyone deserves? And does he? No.

So what...he cheats on you...he commits adultery.....and now instead of pampering this relationship to try to heal it, he punishes you? He smothers you....but not in "I love you so much I want to be with you all the time" type of way, in a "I want desperately to catch you in something, so I can feel better about all the wrong I've done" type of way.

You are exactly right. You deserve your space and privacy. So when do you put your foot down? He cheats, takes your pride, your self esteem........but you stay. Now he takes your privacy, he invades your personal time and your God given freedoms....... he confines and restricts who you are.... and you stay? For what?

When do YOU put YOUR foot down?

[KMonte85]

I agree with Beautiful Disaster completely! It is time to lay down the law and tell your hubby that he needs to respect your privacy! It is ridiculous that after he cheated and you were open-hearted enough to work through this, that you should be punished for HIS mistakes.

Normally you hear situations of cheating where the cheated-on can't stop snooping on the cheater... but this is the reverse, and I think BD was right on in saying he's insecure that you are going to do to him what he did to you.

Any way for you to remove the spyware yourself?? Can you have a computer guru come and clean your hard drive of whatever your husband might have put in there to watch over you? It seems he says he will stop snooping, but didn't follow through. So I'm thinking you will need to remove those programs yourself.

[WildChild]

Get your computer into Geeks or someplace and have it cleaned out and get some proper security on it so he can't access it. Have them check for hardware too, like a keystroke logger. Then I think you'd better start making sure you have copies of ALL the financial docs, accounts and records, titles and such. Get copies of Both your credit reports - any accounts you didn't know about? He is up to something, you caught him with his pants down and this behavior isn't working on the relationship - it's working on something else. I'd bet it isn't good.

Make sure your skirts are clean. You don't want to be the pot calling the kettle black. Do your research - I'll bet he can track if you get on his computer. Who handles the blills? Are they paid on line? Has he changed account passwords so you can't access records of joint accounts? If so you will have to get on the phone or go into an office, but get records - especially of anything he's tried to block access to. When people do these kind of things they are planning and it's probably not a surprise party. My ex did this kind of stuff, actually changed my password on My phone account, changed passwords on investment accounts (there wasn't anything worth fighting over, that was a joke) changed bank account passwords - he could access my account info, I couldn't access his (they were both "joint" accounts) And he wasn't screwing around, just screwing with me. Oh, if you have any charge accounts that are yours (you are the primary, he may be just a signer) block him put it on Mrs only. My ex tried to buy a vehicle on my credit account (his name only, in another city). I'd already removed him from the account because of all the stuff he had been doing with the finances, boy was he PO'd! Do some checking because this kind of stuff is full alarm - they are planning to leave you holding the bag. If you don't find anything, no harm done.

Talk to a lawyer.

[rcoreyus]

If I found my wife were deliberately spying on me I'd leave, even after our 25 years together. When trust has deteriorated that much in a relationship there is no point to continuing .

[blondie80]

I would say he is up to something WC has great advise here I would listen to her, by most laws if you catch him cheating and go for a divorce you would get nearly everything and maybe he is making sure that it doesn't happen.
You have to make a decision in life to either trust or not, if you cant trust or if he really cant trust you then maybe its better if you leave. There is something more going on here than he is telling you I would say.
If you dont want to leave then tell him you need his trust in order to make this work, you cant live where someone is constantly checking up on you. It's not fair to either of you for this to be happening. I had issues when I first got with my partner from all the previous times I had been hurt, but there came a time when I either had to trust him or leave, it sounds like you guys really need to make that decision here as well.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Personally?

I think he's protecting his asssets.

He put that spyware on, so he can see what you say to use if you try to divorce him.

So affair and tracking you and your forgiving him for both?

CW

[Ashlee T.]

CW - Exactly!!

Because HE knows that if the situation were reversed....if you had cheated on him, not only would he leave you, but he'd take everything he could and hurt you as bad as he could on the way out. So he's got to wonder......because he knows what he'd be doing if he were you.

[happy ending]

i agree with the other posters, he is thinking possible fallout ie revenge affair, divorce and is going to try and get what he can. with his attitude i doubt if your marriage can be saved. are you sure his other relationship is over, from the sound of it, he is staying with you until he gets enough ammo, or hides money away. i am sorry if this sounds cruel, but please seek legal advice, unless you wish to end up with nothing!

[MissingNaction]

I don't know what I feel or want anymore. One minute I am okay and calm and the next, I am ****ed all over again. I really don't think he is trying to screw me over. He is unemployed and we don't have any kind of savings that he could steal. He will not find any dirt on me because there isn't any. I haven't done a single thing wrong. I am a good mother, hard worker, and a good wife. He has nothing to gain from leaving me. I honestly believe that he knows how screwed he would be if I didn't take him back. I know he is scared and insecure. I wish I could make him understand why I need him off my computer and why I need privacy.