[bobbiejoe]

i have messed up my life so bad. i dont know what to do or how to handle it now. i need help.

first, i will tell you i have been married for 29 years. unhappily, i have to say. for many reasons, just trust me when i tell you. i have been very unhappy for a long, long time. then 2 years ago, my ex husband(we were married when we were kids, and divorced before we were 20) contacted me and we started an emotional affair online. so for the past 2 years i have watched as my life has gone down the drain. first, i developed a heart condition and had to have surgery. then i was laid off from my job of 16 years. then my husband found out about the affair and we separated. i was glad, in fact i was very happy, because finally i was away from a horrible relationship, my daughter and i stayed in the house and he left. that was the good part. then my husband and i decided to sell the house. i moved out and then he moved in and filed for divorce. he now wants my daughter, the house, the retirement(mine, he never worked at a job long enough to grow one), everything in the house, child support and alimony(because he says he allowed me the oppurtunity to go to college therfore making more money than him). he has since filed a motion for me to be in contempt of court for not paying the house payment and utility bills. my daughter 9 years old now lives with him, (she said she hates me for leaving him and she wants to live in the marital home) and refuses to see me because i was bad. the divorce is not until april 2010(already had a hearing for custody and her to get help), she is seeing a counselor at my request, but she still refuses to leave him and come back to live with me. He is turning her against me, and is not taking good care of her(she never brushes or teeth or washes her hair) and dresses like a little teenage tart.

Now he refuses to allow me to see her at all. and she says she does not want to see me. (i have been quite verbal about all this, i have to admit)

Oh, the affair. it turned physical x2 over the past year, but has since ended and he is staying with his wife. (i knew that would happen, but it still hurts) i think it was more of a friendship that allowed me the courage to leave a really bad situation. Like a really good friend that was always on your side. I know that was wrong, but at the time and the situation I was living in, I needed someone to talk to. He gave me the courage to get out.

My problem is how to live without my daughter. I know this whole thing is harming her emotionally, and it is killing me. i cant go back, but I cant leave her either, so my biggest question is how do i live without her in my life. I am so depressed, meds are not helping. I cry all the time. I am not thinking straight anymore, and not having her with me is about to kill me. How do I go on without my child, my precious angel. I know I have been bad, but I have lived in such all my life, I cant go back, but i cant live without her, what do I do?????? how do I continue to live like this?????

[WildChild]

You had an unhappy marriage and you made some poor choices, now you have to move forward. You have to do what is best for your child and hating you or refusing to see you is not healthy. It does sound her father has really done a number on her. Get an attorney and fight for your rights as a parent.

[PJhavinfunagain]

What WC said. To heck with everything else, your daughter and your relationship with her are the most important. Fight for her!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Ahhhhh...

See, he is proving to be all that he was in your marriage and I don't know what that was, but judging by his actions, he manipulated you to move out, he had no intention of selling, he already seeked legal advice. Moving back in, it means "you left the marriage" and so he then worked on his daughter, telling her all sorts of things and so she will say off course, to Family Courts, she wants to stay with him.. In addition, he allows her to be "free" little girls love this right? So, why would she want to come back, coupled with what he is telling her, at 9 she can work that out...

He's a manipulating smart azzz.. in my opinion and no, I am not standing up for the woman and dissing the man, you've told the story.

You want to fight for something and stand up for yourself for the first time in your life? DO IT..

Go and get advice and tell the real story how it is, what he was like and why you needed emotional comfort and then how this all un-folded.

STAND UP FOR YOURSELF...

Stop saying you are "bad" this is what he has told your daughter and as a result you're feeling it and being depressed. You need a clear mind, a strong mind to do all of this.

What ever he did? Not working, you paying for everything, treating you wrong, not sleeping with you, making you feel worthless, if this is the case, now is your chance to fight for your beliefs and rights so yes, "in a Court of Marriage Law" you cheated.. In a Court of love" he treated you wrong and you seeked comfort.

Remember that.

CW

[bobbiejoe]

Thank you for responding. I know what you say is correct. I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself. i did not mean to spill my guts all over the internet, I know I have wore my family and friends out over the last 11 months. I have an attorney, supposed to be a good one. I definately paid handsome for him. The divorce and custody was set up for Nov 5th and I think I had set my head around that date, and when it came they continued it for April 15th. I just have to get my head around that one now. It seems like a lifetime away. They tell me the longer my daughter stays in the house with him, the less possibility that she will be removed from his home back to mine. Especially if she is doing well in school. I have seen her 1 day in the past month, and he says now he will not make her come to me if she says no. The ringer on the phones in the house has been turned off, so she thinks i never try to call her and when I go to the house, he has threatened to have me arrested. He has closed her off from the world, and me. None of her friends or family can even get close to her to see if she is ok. He says she doesnt want to talk to anyone on my side of the family, so he says it is her choice. Her little best friend calls me and ask where she is, that she never gets to see or talk to her anymore. My lawyer says he can file a complaint but it wont be heard until April when the divorce is heard. I feel so defeated. Thanks for hearing me, and I am sorry again, I just needed a place to vent.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Don't be sorry

But there are two issues, one is Divorce and the other is Custody...

I don't think your Laywers are doing their job quite frankly, no Mother can be parted from her child..

What's his take on that?

CW

[GlitterAndStuds]

I have to agree with CW that your Lawyer doesn't sound like he's doing all he can. This isn't normally an issue they would just put on the back burner for 5 or 6 months, just filing a complaint about. If he's not letting her have a life, and not letting her see anyone, you need to know your rights for that, and hers.

[WildChild]

What you do depends on the laws where you live. Look up Parental Alienation, talk to your attorney about it. There are mixed feelings about it in the courts and with counselours, it was overly fashionable at one time and very much overused. However, this may be a genuine case. This isn't cheap and it can get ugly but it involves the court appointing a Family investigator. They will collect a ton of information, interveiw you. your estranged husband and your child. Then they will make recommendations to the court as to what they have found reguarding your child's relationship with both parents and what got it there. It's a carp shoot, if you get a good counselor it will be worth it. If your lawyer is experienced, they will be familiar with the counselors on the courts lists and ensure you get the best one possible. The primary concern must be your daughter's well being.

[kms]

It sounds like you're so concerned about your daughter that you are completely neglecting yourself... yet it sounds like you have a lot of your own issues to work through. Seems like you are carrying around a lot of guilt and shame for the affair... it's almost as though you might even feel like you 'deserve' what is happening to you now with your ex and your daughter...?

My advice is that you definitely need to get into counseling as well. You have SO many difficult things going on right now and talking to a professional will help a great deal in being able to sort it all out and work through all the damage that was done during your difficult marriage, your feelings of blame and guilt surrounding the affair, and your despair about the future of your daughter.

A counselor may also be able to help you with more community resources that could help you out with making sure the appropriate legal action is taken, and they could also help you determine if child protective services needs to be called in (esp since it sounds like she is being neglected to some extent!). If CPS gets called in, that could definitely be used against him in the custody hearing.

[bobbiejoe]

Thank You, to every one who responded, i have good news

My daughter called me yesterday and ask me to come to her counseling session. I flew like the wind to get there, lol. It was so productive. I was able to talk with the counselor with my daughter, and so the whole story has been told, and thank GOD it was in her words. This counselor was able to get her to talk openly about everything i wanted her to share with someone other than me. So now the court appointed psychologist has the entire story. This gives me hope, that something can be done. she also spoke with my husband, and he agreed to let me have her for the entire thanksgiving holiday. i will spend 5 days with her, God is so good. Pray everyone that she will stay the whole time with me and not beg to go back to him before our time is spent together. She loves him so much, she worries that he will be sad if she comes to me, that is what she told the psychologist. He has done a job on her you are right. Same as he did me all those years, with guilt and manipulation. I know I have to keep fighting and I intend to. i will never give up on her, and I know I have to pull her out before she ends up taking care of him for the rest of her life.

Guilt over the affair, yes and no. i valued the support I recieved from him to help me have the courage to leave my unhappy marriage. I will always appreciate that, although it was an affair, I look at it as a good thing when i look back on how low my self esteem was. He actually has helped me to love myself again and has given me hope that there is happiness in life. i always knew that we had no future together, but it helped to remind me, by talking daily to him, who i was, and who i can be again. that in itself does not right the wrong, and i know it was wrong to have a physical relaionship with him, knowing he was married, so yes i do have guilt over that, and i pray god forgives me for that and that she(his wife) never finds out. I think it was his first affair, and I know it was mine. A mistake for sure!

i have a psychologist i see regularly. she is amazing, but the grief i feel over losing my child is greater than anything i have ever felt. You guys got to meet me at the bottom of a really bad day. I thank you for responding to my thread, and as i heal i hope to help others to go through this same mess with encouragament that there is a brighter future, but sometimes, you just have to cry. thanks again.