[Jaime]

I posted before about my husband's affair and that we are trying to work it out. Things are really improved and are feeling somewhat normal again. I have moments of insecurtiy when I think about everything. I still don't trust him and I don't know if I ever will again. I even doubt the simple things. For example, he said he made a phone call to his ex employer and I thought to myself, "I wonder if he really called him." I also doubt if he is truly happy with the changes we have made. Life is completely different. He quit his job to stay home with our children. His job required him to be gone for weeks at a time and there is no way to heal a marriage with him gone. So now I am the supporter. He is doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I know he doesn't like doing any of that and he is just doing it to make me happy. I fear that he is going to build a new form of resentment every time he has to clean. I also fear that he hasn't told me everything yet. I don't have proof of any other affairs but I just can't fight the feeling that there is so much more. What he did seems like such a huge leap. How can you go from faithful to hiring an escort? I feel like he had other affairs that made that leap easier on him. Does that make sense?? I have looked back over the last 10 years and think "hmmm, i wonder if he slept with someone before he came home that morning." And the times that he worked out of town, did he hire someone there..............Anyway, sorry for the rambling. I have to get these thoughts out. I am able to talk to him about my feelings but I try not to talk about it everytime the thought comes to me. He wants that. He wants me to talk to him about any thought I have but when I do, it totally ruins our day.

I know it doesn't seem like it from my post but there is so much good right now. Is it too soon to feel happy again? When I have moments of happiness, i have doubt in the back of my head about his happiness. I don't want to find out a year or two from now that he was miserable and had another affair.

[WildChild]

Well only time will tell. Are you in any kind of counseling? Having someone who isn't in it to talk to can really help. Perhaps being at home he will realize how much work it is. That he is willing to do this, certainly seems to indicate that he is really trying to make things work. Once lost trust is hard to regain. You both need to be aware that it will take time. He should be more worried about that than you are.

[sourpuss]

I think you just need to move past it, if that is in fact the plan. If the compromise was for him to stay and work it out and you were going to forgive him, then you need to do that. I know it will be hard (I don't think I could do it) but you really have to stop wondering about other affairs. What if he did sit down and told you every minute detail of 7 different affairs? Would you feel closure? Probably not. Would you feel like now that everything was out in the open, you could finally trust him again, probably not. If he's making significant changes to show that he wants to save your marriage (which I think he is by quitting his job and staying home) then you need to loosen your grip a bit too and be venerable, just a little bit, to see if it can be saved.

[Jaime]

I cant explain the reasons for needing to know if anything else has happened. I don't think it would change anything. If I can stay with him after this, then I can stay with him if anything else has happened. I just need to know. I have to know. Knowing the reasons he did what he did helps me. If he came to me tonight and told me, "I had an affair 4 years ago because................" I would initially be upset but I would also feel relief. If we spend all this time and energy working it out and healing and I find out that something else had happened years ago, it would undo everything. I would feel like everything was a lie. If anything else has happened, he has to tell me. Call me crazy but I need to know. I have told him my feelings and begged him to just come clean. I am trying to give him the opportunity to talk to me. The thing about cheating is the other person always finds out. One way or another, I will find out if anything else has happened. I want to hear it from him. I need and deserve to hear it from him. I just need to know. For the sake of our marriage and my sanity, I have to know about everything.

[kygirl]

For the sake of our marriage and my sanity, I have to know about everything.

There are times in life where we have to believe that knowing everything isn't going to help. You said yourself that it won't change anything. And usually answers to some questions, just lead to more questions.

Let yourself be happy, and don't let the what ifs creep up on you!! Sometimes even the people that do things aren't sure of the reason, and sometimes it's not a good reason at all if they do know.

Good luck!!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I recall you writing this on another on of your threads.

It's a brave and bold move to 1) take on those responsibilties to save a marriage and also 2) to open the gates of communication and allow you to grieve and trust again, that's obviously what he wants.

Ask him. Tell him off course your going to get mad again but your okay with it, if it means that from here on end you are both working on building a marriage that is strong and will last. Ask him if he did and ask him why he did and then you will know.

Maybe also, let him work part time and replace his income with a cleaner/baby sitter, you also need to have dating times, and both parties happy within a marriage, this is just your stepping stone but it also isn't the end solution, I don't think.. You need to let him also feel like a Father and also as a Provider for the family.

CW

[Jaime]

He does want to work and provide for our family but I don't see how he can do that at this time. He doesn't have a degree and there aren't high paying jobs in our area. Daycare is $1200 a month for 3 small children. He has to find a job that makes it worth paying for daycare. Right now,he says that he is happy being home with the girls and doing housework. He has basically been gone for 3 years with his job.

Anyway, I know he is scared because he is really vulnerable and dependent of me right now. I wish I could make him real secure enough to be completely open and honest with me. I love him. I'm just scared about what I don't know. What if some woman knocks on my door carrying a headed baby claiming he is the father? What a nightmare! These scenarios consume me.

[Guest]

if you hold it in the thoughts will become overwhelming and eventually consume you emotionally. you need to either just talk it all out like he has offered to do, or let it completely go.

does it really matter if he's had one or two or fifteen affairs? do you really want to know all the details? why would you want to know all of them? Would it really help the healing, or just give you more pain? from what you wrote it seems like he is trying to fix things.

you will drive yourself crazy with the "what if's" if you let them.

[Jaime]

It is not only the what ifs that drive me crazy. I have a lot of unanswered and unexplained things. The biggest unexplained is the STD that I got. He has yet to explain it. I have been with 1 man for 10 years. The affair that he admitted to does not explain the STD. I found out about it during my pregnancy. So my baby could have been seriously affected. It is a big deal to me. I want to know how I got this.

[sourpuss]

That's understandable. But it's apparent how you got it, he slept with someone who had and STD. He's obviously not telling you about all the times he cheated. But, he is trying to make it work. I honestly don't think it will make you feel any better if he tells you about more affairs. There will always be doubt. If he tells you about 3 affairs, you'll wonder if there were 5, and so on and so on, you know?