[GoodEgg]

Hi everyone! I'm relatively new to this forum but have found so many posts already that strike a chord in me and have already brought me comfort in darker moments. Thank you so much!

I apologize if this goes on a little long. But a little background is necessary for this to make sense. Have been in a relationship now about 3 years and a few months over. He's in his late 20's now and I'm in my mid 30's. I am living in a house with my SO and his two old friends (both male). One we have lived with for about 2 years but the other moved in this year. He's not employed, has a number of, shall we say, habits that can be irksome to someone in my age group and to someone who is female. I didn't have much to say in his moving in as my SO and his other friend own this house and the new move-in was in a hard spot so my SO stepped up to help out. Not knowing his personal habits it was impossible to project how things would be anyway. It's been difficult to say the least and I've been scrambling to cope with it, but I did unleash a lot of complaints. Have discussed moving into my own place but not acted on it. Have gotten in a few misunderstandings with the new housemate and my SO has unfortunately gotten stuck in the middle of it more than once which he says he's tired of. He says he would like to keep roommates around until he hits 30. Not surprising considering he has education debts and now the mortgage.

I lost my father not too long ago and after a couple of months of recovering, I've found he's become a little distant. He used to send affectionate texts out of the blue and he used to be much more verbal about his feelings for me. He's still affectionate, gives kisses, holds hands during movies and tells me he loves me once a day, but it's a little bit different now. Can't put my finger on what. A little less than a month ago, he told me that he is concerned about some of the things I've said. One remark was made just before my father died where I told him I don't know if I can wait for him to hit 30 before he's free to make new decisions on who to live with, whether to marry and where he'd like to live in the future. He said it may have started with that, but since then he's less sure about the future of our relationship than he was in the beginning stages where everything seemed to clear. We went on a holiday not too long ago and I have been so pent up over the situation with the roommate, my father, worries for my mother who is all alone now, that I mentioned I might just move in with my mother who does not live in this city. That upset him even more and he's been even more distant since then. (Again, not witholding all affection, just giving out less than before.)

I talked to him about it again recently because now he's detecting distance from me. I've been reconciling myself to the fact that I don't know where this all came from, why he feels differently and that he can't figure it out himself to give me any information. So I've been steeling myself for possible hurt. And maybe a little angry that he has so little tolerance for confrontation and stress that he more or less *can't* deal with me complaining about the same things over and over again. He says I need more female friends to confide in (I admit I do). He also said that he says maybe he's just gotten to the point where he's just comfortable with me and feels like if he wants to just flop on the bed and relax, he can, without worrying about whether I feel like I need attention. Furthermore, he says what we're going through now may be a natural part of the process. He can't even define that what happened in his head is even a negative element.

Your wonderful posts have alerted me that I am someone who nags until they get the answers they want. But that with men, sometimes you can't get one right away. Sometimes you just have to wait. It helps so much just to be able to write this down and share. This may just amount to a simple rant, but I would love to hear what others think. If you need more information, also, please feel free to ask. I'm sure I've left a lot out, but for the readers' sanity, it's necessary.

[KMonte85]

My condolences on the recent loss of your father!

To be fair, you did throw a lot at your SO for him to think about (not sure you can wait for him to get in a better situation, thinking about moving out, etc).. probably shocking him a bit, scaring him a bit, and making him back off to reflect on the whole situation.. That is just natural. When someone has been kicked out of relationship lala-land and into reality it can be quite a new experience!

You weren't unfounded in telling him these things. The stress of living with two other roommates, your father's passing, your mother's wellbeing - all these are HUGE issues to deal with every day. And it makes sense that these things combined would make you start questioning how you want to spend your life! If you intend to spend them with this man, then he should be aware of your wants/needs/concerns. You did that, good for you!

But now you have to be understanding that this is something new to him that he needs to process and maybe that makes him back off a bit. This communications perhaps jumpstarted him into thinking about what HE wants. He might be one of those guys that can't have a million questions floating in his head about his SO and at the same time act towards her in the same way as before he started thinking about these things...

Maybe you should just let him be distant for a bit. Let him know that it is okay that he has concerns to, and that when he is ready he should let you know so you can tell you how he feels, what he wants and needs in his future. And discuss if you see each other in that future or not...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sorry also for your loss.

It's not easy living with 3 men in a house and still feel like your in a great relationship. You see it more probably as all these blokes, boys, batchelors and feel probably that you want, what you thought it would be like, when there was just one guy, you would have loads of time to yourselves and feel like your living together but it's not like that.

It's good that he has a Mortgage it would be worse if he was renting and they were helping paying the rent, that shows responsibility and he's already ascertained by keeping them there for a couple of years, will help him get ahead so that he can then take over himself, with his woman I would say.

They say that a man is 4 years his junior of his age, whereas a woman is 4 years more mature than her age, and so he perhaps is also still enjoying his youth, being a lad, but wanting and loving you with him.

I would say no man would disagree with me, the one thing they dislike the most is a woman "nagging" which you admitted that you do, it is about communication sweet, talking things out in a fun, joking, yet serious way so there is a conclusion.

It may be best for you to move to a place of your own that he can stay over a few times a week, where it is "your world" and his, where you get to miss him as well, and where you gain friends like he has hinted, and spend quality time with them as well.

Being only with him, no friends, and the stress your under, would create a more stressful situation.

Un-leash some of that stress by calling your own place home and your own friends, friends.

We have our own identities and we must have our own independence, when marriage is on the cards, it's the two of you, if you want to see how that will work, you've already seen his habits, so having your own place will let you see what you two would be like as a couple married as well, in your own place alone.

Wanting him to give up his mates, and income, is not the answer.. He had that before you moved in, you can't ask him to change something you accepted from the inset, only change things that will point you in the right direction outside of that.

CW

[GoodEgg]

KM and CW, those were such thoughtful replies. Thank you! I travel a lot for a living and yesterday was my first day on the road for about a week. I normally find that living out of empty hotel rooms is the hardest. I was unable to get a hold of him at all via phone so I left a message and a text but no reply yet. (Don't worry, they weren't hysterical. Very civil.) This is an example of the sort of thing that I was referring to before. Thus, it was so nice to come back and read what you had to say last night!

I don't believe that I need to force him to make the roommates leave or to drop friendships. I never did. I didn't know what to expect so I just rolled with it. It's been a tough situation, but they've been so much better lately about their habits that I haven't been feeling the stress of it as much as before. I'm so appreciative of your condolences as well. Yes, the first month of losing one's father was hardest for me. After that, I had a few anxiety attacks, feeling that something big was missing. Then it began to feel more that the loss was an excuse to hide behind for anything else that I was lacking in.

From relationship to relationship it seems I've carried this insecurity with me and I'm not sure why. I know that I'm a good person, with a likeable personality and strong enough to carry on with or without someone else yet the pattern remains: happy at first, insecurity strikes in batches and batters the relationship into a crisis, happy again and then insecurity will strike again... so on. Until it's gone.

I guess the best approach is to take a little of what both of you told me to heart. I've nagged this man too much, I believe. I've now backed him into a corner and he doesn't know if he wants to carry on in a life with me. So all I *can* do now is to let him be distant and leave him alone. It's one of the very hardest things in the world for me to do, but I don't feel like I have many choices left. I just wish that this journey didn't have to feel quite so lonely.

Right now, and yes, now I'm ranting (partly because it feels good to write, partly to explain to myself emotionally what I already know logically and partly because there's nowhere else to express all these feelings), I guess the worst feeling is feeling like anything I say can come back to haunt me later and that there's no consistency. I know that some of the blame falls on me, but I also can't ignore the fact that some of his behavior is a little selfish too. He may feel a certain way today, but that can always change tomorrow.

And I understand a little of this as well. My former boss told me that when he was that age it was all about himself and he had no inclination at all to work on his first marriage. When he hit his mid-30's he suddenly realized that maybe a little commitment might be worth investing in the second marriage. And all's well until mid-life crisis hits, he says. I heard this same cycle explained to me by the saner of my roommates in a different conversation, being a guy raised among women and forced to observe the differences between himself and them. Humorously, he told me that it would all work so much more smoothly if women knew and accepted the fact that after adolescence, men hit a new period of development in their 20's involving identity crisis and life goals that women seem to skip. We begin to desire a commitment, usually post-adolescence, that sadly, they typically aren't ready to give until they reach somewhere into their 30's. And maybe I can take that as a piece of comfort to get me through today.

[Ashlee T.]

You're in a tough situation, in a tough time in your life. Losing a parent is the most difficult thing I've ever experienced........changes you forever. You can allow it to change you for positive, or for negative. It's an independent choice. But it takes time.....and it's hard not to feel alone because even though your friends and such might feel bad for you, they're lives have moved on. When the funeral is over, the casket closes, everyone else moves on. But his loves (children family close friends) don't move on......it's not over for them.....and it's hard not to feel alone in your pain. It doesn't matter that others have gone through it, because it's you now.....it's different this time. It's undescribeable hurt that only you understand, and only you can make yourself get through and grow from. My point is, this is a time when you shouldn't be trying to fix your relationship.....shouldn't be fighting......shouldn't be finding a way to DISTRACT yourself from the grief you're going through over your dad, by focusing on the inadequacies of your relationship. This is a time you focus on you. By distracting, you're delaying the grieving process which will inevitably happen no matter how long you try to delay it.

I, personally, couldn't deal with the situation with your boyfriend. It sounds as if you are leaps and bounds beyond him in maturity. And now you nag him.......so you become like a "mother" figure...and he will rebel just like a child. Making idle threats (I'm moving out), but never do? So now he loses respect too. He sees his situation as normal, because he is still a boy.........not a man. Does it make him a bad person? No....it just means he's not what you need at this point in your life. And truthfully, wouldn't be what most women your age need.

Think to yourself, or even make a list (just don't ever let anyone find it. ) of what you want and need in a man, then ask yourself how many of those things he can offer you NOW.....(things he can truly offer you, not requiring him to change).

Sounds to me like moving on with your life might not be a such a bad idea.

[GoodEgg]

The night I found out about my father, I talked to him and raged at him. I did most of the crying that week I was at my parents' house waiting for the services and for the viewing. My SO was very supportive at that time, giving me hugs and making sure I lacked for nothing, helping out my family etc. My mother seems to be getting better as each day passes and I, too, feel at peace. We all know that he lived a very good life and achieved everything he dreamed. On top of it all, he died without any pain, very quickly and at a time in life before he developed any chronic illness, just as he wanted. I accept that there are moments such as flying over a famous city that I know he visited in the past 6 years where I get a twinge of sadness, but that's okay too. When I get back from work, I intend to use a few sessions with a counselor to make sure I'm healing well.

Beautiful, I think that's a very interesting point you made about the loss of respect and the mother figure. It does feel like I lack a certain amount of respect from him. But thinking back, I don't know if that has ever changed from the very beginning. He's still got the rebellious spark of a male in his 20's but with the responsibilities of a person in their 30's. Right now, I am trying to decide what I can cope with and what I want. I was actually very happy with this relationship up until he went cold on me. Either he's withdrawing to keep himself from getting hurt, or he's just lost interest in maintaining this relationship. I guess whether I care enough to find out which will be left up to time...

[WildChild]

You need to let go of stereotypes about ages. Many men in their 20s are very responsible and mature people, some in their 60s still aren't and the same is true of some women. What counts it if the two of you are on the same page. Living with roommates can be hard on a relationship. There is a certain lack of freedom of expression then.

It sounds like the two of you have fallen into a downward spiral. You understandably have been stressed and perhaps withdrawn dealing with loss and grief, he in turn protecting himself withdrew, that caused you to respond with distance and uncertainty. Sounds like it's time to sit down and have a talk. Put all this on the table. Sometimes just spelling it out, even if it's obvious, makes it easier to move past. Tell him you miss the closeness and need it. Tell him how much you appreciate his supportiveness after your father died. Then see if the two ofyou can create a plan for both of you getting debt free and roomate free. Perhaps if you have a plan and can see progress it will be easier to cope?