[NordicWife]

Married for one year and a half..had our ups and downs...now he tells me he filled for divorce.

I went to visit my parents and my first new born nephew for the holidays and my love was suppose to come a few days later.

In the mean time we chatted, said the I love and miss you words, yet I get this email from him telling me he thinks we are better of without each other and that he thinks our marriage is not bringing him full happiness, that we have different values and since religion has been a big factor in our life, he is not interested in that anymore and therefor he wants out...and he did want out since August after we had a fight where he ended up telling me he doesn´t love me anymore and that he is not happy.

After we had that fight and things cooled down he came to me in deep meekness and told me that he truly loves me and that he only said it because of anger and frustration. I was hurt but once he said that to me I felt good about us...

Since August not much fighting happend, but I dealt with a lot of depression and I did not know what to do about it, I did not really know it was depression, I would have gotten some medicine...I just thought it was the fight we had that hunted me down constatly.

Thanksgiving came, I cooked our first Thanksgiving meal as a young couple, it was a blast, we has a really good time, then my time to fly home came and he took me to the airport, kissed and hugged, called when I landed, texted, chatted...Then few days later he sends me an email telling me he filled for divorce, he sent all my stuff my family´s home, he changed his cell number, moved to LA ( which I found out from a friend) because he refuses to talk to me.

I have not heard from him since the divorce email, I emailed, I begged and pleaded for chances on our marriage, but his decision is final he tells me and that nothing I would say would change his mind. I feel desperate for answers he would not give me, he asked his family to not talk to me so they are not, I feel like I am contageous or something since no one is talking to me, I am being very poorly treated by a family that once became mine and a husband that told me he will always look after me...yet I am heartbroken and he would not even email me.

I feel lost. I want him back and I would take him back in a second. After all my humble, begging and pleading emails and phone calls to him and his family I stoped. I am not sure what to do anymore.

I read online and I know I did all the wrong things, all the begging and pleading...now I am not doing that anymore, I am being quiet and giving him the time to miss me and be a lonely coward that I would still take back.

He is still my husband, I have him included in all my dreams and aspirations and our plan to have a baby in 2010. Is this really happening???

I want to give him some time and then go to LA and find him and talk to him. I think that once he sees me he will realize how much he missed me and want me back. That´s my hope. I still have hope.

Am I being unreasoable?? Why would he not give our marriage a real try...since our fight in August it was not enough time to make much of an improvement due to work and schools. I did ask him everyday if he is happy and he said yes and that he loved me. Plus we said our sorries and I thought he meant it.

I do get easely irritated during my woman time of month but that can be fixed with proper medicine, no big deal about it if that is the real issue here...Not sure what to do anymore.

Would going to LA be a good idea? Do I still have a chance? Will he come around?? __

[Mes T]

Aw. I'm sorry you're going through this.

No, I don't think chasing him is a good idea at this point. Looks like he's made his decision, whether it's permanent or just temporary, and I think you have to a) respect that and b) respect yourSELF, because I think chasing someone like that who is quite clearly trying to get away is only demeaning you.

What I'm really confused about is the apparent suddenness of it all. Were there NO other signs that he wanted to just pick up and leave? Was he distant at all? Did anything unusual happen?

You say you were suffering from depression. Were you diagnosed by a doctor?

[NordicWife]

Thanks for the reply. He has never been the type to show his emotions very much, he says his I love you but no obvious pulling back signs from him. I gave him plenty of space to study, for work, he played in two rock bands, never complained about that...I was being very nice and understanding for his personal time and hobbies. We went out on dates, he was being attentive to where I want to go eat and what movie I want to watch, nothing out of ordinary. Nothing that would have cross my mind that he would do this to me. Back in August maybe...but not in December.

I was never diagnosed with depression. I read about it and I recoungnize the symptoms, therfore I know I am dealing with depression.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

we have different values and since religion has been a big factor in our life, he is not interested in that anymore and therefor he wants out...

I would have thought that if you had different religions/values, then this would have been discussed properly before marriage to ascertain if there was compromise and if it would work.

What values are talking about, that in his eyes makes this now a "mis-match"?

And, religion.

Thanksgiving came, I cooked our first Thanksgiving meal as a young couple, it was a blast, we has a really good time, then my time to fly home came and he took me to the airport, kissed and hugged, called when I landed, texted, chatted...Then few days later he sends me an email telling me he filled for divorce

I just feel that this is pre-meditated, planned and a horrible way to deal with an issue, via an email... He left after went to LA, that had to be planned as well, then for his closure, not caring at all about your feelings, ensured that all of his family don't speak to you...

A real man would face the music in person, not run away and "plan" things knowing you are going away, for his own gratification of closure.. That's cruel in my books.

I do get easely irritated during my woman time of month but that can be fixed with proper medicine, no big deal about it if that is the real issue here.

I was never diagnosed with depression. I read about it and I recoungnize the symptoms, therfore I know I am dealing with depression.

It sounds to me like you are blamming yourself for all of this... Remember, it takes two, always...

Googling, can help ascertain posibilities but a Doctor is the only one that can diagnose for you, if you feel this way, especially now, your heart would be breaking, seek your Doctors advice, and also explain your PMT and sort that out as well, whilst you are there... It's not good for you to suffer..

Everybody fights at some point... But I don't think it's because you get moody and feel down alot as to the reason why he has made this decision and if that is the reason, no offense but he's being immature, because we can't help what we go through as a Woman...

If he plays in a band or two, then maybe that's the reality of it all, nothing to do with you, rather he maybe has been offered work in LA, in this regard and has "chosen" his passion instead of a relationship of any kind and is using the "values", "religion" as an excuse.

Weak people, will always shift the blame so that they feel better in themselves for their decisions in life.

I think he's being a coward, weak, un-worthy of your love.

I wouldn't chace him, he's living in a different world.. He is also a coward for what he did...

I think your fortunate that you didn't have a child with him and I imagine you are young.

I know people will tell you "you will get over it", and it's hard to believe that, but there is someone 100x's better out there for you.

If this is how he handles, "getting his way",( I suspect bands, and his passion in this that is the real reason), and blaming you or making you feel that it may have been your fault, this is not someone you can trust in your life, in your future.

Take a few deep breathes, do you have your own family around? Friends?

And, we are here as well for you.....

CW

[carolina28]

I took this Psychology of Love class in school, and we discussed this sort of thing. While it may seem "sudden", it probably only was to you. It sounds like he might have been planning this, for quite awhile, and that sucks. It is terrible that he wasn't just honest, and straight with you. It is cowardly, but planned.

I had a relationship many years ago, we weren't married, but dated for a year when all of a sudden, he just ended things. I hurt for a long time, and I kept waiting for him to come back. After several months, I went to try and talk to him, and he shut the door in my face (more like slammed). And I had literally, done nothing. After some time (quite some time), I realized there were probably signs that I had missed. I knew he had started pulling away before he actually ended things. He set it up to where he and I no longer had any contact. I just couldn't figure out what or why. Sadly, I think some people just make a decision and we never get to know why.

I think it would be a HUGE mistake to go out there. You will lose all of your dignity by doing it. I understand why, but I think it would just make things worse. You need to put it out there, that while you are hurt and betrayed, you aren't going to force him to be with you. And it sounds like that might happen if you go out there. Assuming he did decide to come back to you, how long would it be before he left? There is something going on, that he hasn't clued you in on. You might just have to move on, and hopefully you will learn this was a blessing. I understand that isn't what you want, but you may just not have a choice. Your choice is to go through it with your dignity.

For the depression, seek help. It is an awful thing to go through, and the best part is, you don't have to-you do get a choice in this one. Make yourself whole and happier.