[Ahryin]

Ok...so a close friend of mine who happens to be one of my ex's from when I was about 13 decided to tell me it is MY fault he started drinking. He began drinking so he says when him and I broke up which happens to be about 13 to 15yrs ago. We have remained close friends since. I'm ****ed because out of all the people in his life I have been the only one telling him he has a drinking problem to the point where I wouldn't even be around him when he was drinking and banning him from seeing me unless he was sober. I care deeply for his well being (let me also mention he has sickle cell anemia) He tells me all the time he loves me (I was his first love) and at least once a year he will ask me to marry him. He can be the sweetest person or the worst! NO middle ground.
So now i'm ****ed off...how dare he blame me! He has recently stopped drinking and he tells me I have a part in that as well, so how can I be the start and the finish? Is it just a cop out to blame me? Should I just push it under the bridge and not really care due to the fact he has stopped and thats all that should really matter? Or do I call attention to the many situations in his life that could have attributed to his drinking! I just don't want to be the deciding factor for an alcoholic...What do you guys think?

[sourpuss]

Let it go. You weren't the reason. He probably said it out of anger and if he really believes that, he's kidding himself. He's an alcoholic, he would have started drinking no matter what so don't worry about it, it's not your fault.

[Ahryin]

He's the type of person that drinks henny like water! No yuk face..NOTHING. He also believes he can drink and drive which I HATE!!!! It was just shocking to me when he said it. I felt like it was a slap in the face. What's worse is he said it with a straight face, not yelling and out of the blue. If we were arguing I would have just swept it under the rug and not thought twice about it. However we were having a regular convo and he just said yea by the way you are the reason I started drinking and all the heartache you caused me....WTH>>>WHAT?

[KMonte85]

This is the classic behavior of an alcoholic. Once they start realizing the problems they have, they are not in the right state of mind to self reflect, and instead project. Most often blaming the ones they are closest to for their own problems as they are not capable mentally of owning it themselves.

I can see why you are offended and it is completely understandable. However, I think you need to try to see his outburst as the disease talking. It's not him. And the fact that he quit drinking does not make him any less an alcoholic, especially if he keeps pushing the blame on others. That sort of behavior, lack of ownership of one's one choices, is what leads to relapse.

My nephew is suffering from alcoholism as well... he's isolated himself from the entire family, blaming us for his problems. It is just one of the deeper stages of alcoholism.

I think it would do some good for you to distance youself a bit from him even more than you are already doing. He seems to use you as the catalyst for his drinking (and not drinking) and anything you say or do he will use as his excuse to push off his own decisions. I am glad to hear that you are already refusing to see him when he is not sober, that is a big step.

Perhaps the next step is to insist if he wants to stay close friends with you, he needs to enter some sort of support group - AA, or something of that nature. These programs are designed to help people continue their path of sobriety and deal with the emotions that drove them to escape through substance abuse in the first place.

I would also suggest that you do some research on how to handle relationships with alcoholics and recovering alcoholics, or join a support group for family/friends of alcoholics - AA does this as well, so that you are prepared for everything he might throw at you and can handle the situations in a constructive way for both of you.


Most of all, I wish you and him good luck. It is a tough path to go down, and I hope that he gets the help he needs to continue a happy and healthy life.

[WildChild]

What he means is that drinking was his chosen response to whatever happened. It's like speeding on ice and slamming on the brakes - who's responsible for the accident? The ice or the driver?

[Ahryin]

K & Wild,

I can not say that as a young teenager I was not at times less considerate of others. I was going through a lot and we all have our vices. He has always wanted more from me than I could provide. Even though we are just friends now when we go out he introduces me as his girlfriend or partner etc. I was SO proud of him when he told me it has been 2wks since he has had a drink. I know thats not a long time but for a person that drinks EVERY day from 5am to 2am..thats a big step! His father is a drinker as well.
My biggest fear is Cancer..I don't want him to get Liver Cancer. I know he won't go to any meetings at least not yet. The real test is when the summer comes and all the BBQ's. I don't think he wants to give up drinking vs duming it down. I also think he is trying to see how long he can go without drinking.

[KMonte85]

All I can say is that it is nearly impossible for a substance abuse to quit their vice(s) unless they have outside help from a counceling program suited for substance abusers.

My nephew too has "quit" from time to time... but as soon as someone has a party and the temptation is there, or he feels a little down, or something doesn't go the way he wanted, etc, etc.. he relapses and binges to make up for lost time. He won't seek help either, which is such a waste - he's a great and talented person sober.. the alcohol is ruining him. It's a terrible cycle.

Your friend needs help, more help than just you being supportive can give. He may not be ready to join a program yet, but I think it would be a good idea for you to try to gently push him towards it.

[the wench]

hes clearly taking it out on the person he is closest 2...this just happens 2 be u
just try and be there 4 him as much as you can!

and hey.... not every girl get proposed 2 this much......what a compliment hehe

[Texinator]

He's just an alcoholic being an alcoholic. He won't acknowledge his problems, and the few that he will acknowledge he will blame on other people, especially those closest to him.

You can't expect better from him until he realizes he has a drinking problem and above all else until he wants to have help.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He has recently stopped drinking and he tells me I have a part in that as well,

How did he stop drinking? Through AAA, or cold turkey?

AAA, encourage you to establish "what" made you start drinking in the first place and to say that out loud to let it all go...

Maybe, he's trying to find "all" the reasons and has listed you as "one" of those reasons, a break-up and therefore has said it out loud.. But in the wrong context, that being "you only"....

If he went cold turkey, then he's going through withdrawls and that can make a person angry at having to let go of their little "comforter" the bottle and therefore puts the blame immediately on someone, in this case you.

We as individuals have enough problems in our lives on our own without taking on someone elses problem

It's his problem not yours so don't let it affect or eat at you.

CW