[kygirl]

Okay so I started reading this book yesterday about Why Men Don't Commit. Now, it's by no means a bashing book, but more of a women's guide to kind of thinking about things from a guy's perspective and from the pressures that they have as men.

There are portions already that have been discussing how it's important to be very careful early in the relationship because guys get these gut reactions that they can't pinpoint why but they just don't feel like it's going to work and then they run. Now I have found this to be true in how people have broken up with me at times.

I know that women have instinctual reactions to people as well, but I feel like as women, we also think through them or try to figure out why we feel that way before we run (or at least I do because sometimes those are wrong). The book talks about how most guys don't do this, they just leave...

As men (and women from your experiences) do you think this is the case? Once you get a bad reaction (even if you're not sure if it's founded), do you just run?

[Texinator]

Sounds about right for a lot of cases. It's natural to experience some anxiety in a brand new relationship, wondering how things will turn down, especially if some of the previous relationships have had a lot of problems. But it seems that men often have more trouble letting go of the hurts of past relationships and they're also not very introspective and willing to examine their thoughts.

Not saying that this is true for all men or that there aren't women out there like that either, but I think this behavior is much more prevalent among men.

[kygirl]

Sounds about right for a lot of cases. It's natural to experience some anxiety in a brand new relationship, wondering how things will turn down, especially if some of the previous relationships have had a lot of problems. But it seems that men often have more trouble letting go of the hurts of past relationships and they're also not very introspective and willing to examine their thoughts.

Not saying that this is true for all men or that there aren't women out there like that either, but I think this behavior is much more prevalent among men.

But how exactly do you get around that? I think it's hard because the older you get, the more you feel it necessary to find out EVERYTHING about a person early on. Up until a few months ago, I thought that was a great idea, then I realized it's very unnatural to act like that...

It is just unnerving that guys can make such a decision even without any real basis?

[Texinator]

You should keep an eye on whether the man you're with or are interested in seems to be in touch with his emotions and thoughts. I'm not saying he necessarily has to be very emotional, just that he should understand himself. Someone like that is much less likely to get up and bolt.

But if he is clueless about himself, then you should ask yourself if he is worth tiptoeing around and constantly encouraging, even if he might leave anyway, or if you even want someone like that in your life anyway.

[GoodEgg]

I am in a relationship with someone like this. Not very in touch with his emotions, not introspective. A week ago he flat out just said "I don't want to be in a relationship any more." I had to dig a lot to find out he doesn't want to end the relationship, but he does not want to be co-habiting. But the wild thing is that if I hadn't said anything further, we'd have been done.

All I can say is, being with someone like this means a lot of ups and downs and a lot of insecurity. Maybe it has something to do with emotional maturity. It's not confined to new relationships either. This one is over 3 years old.

You're right. It's very unnerving.

[kygirl]

You should keep an eye on whether the man you're with or are interested in seems to be in touch with his emotions and thoughts. I'm not saying he necessarily has to be very emotional, just that he should understand himself. Someone like that is much less likely to get up and bolt.

But if he is clueless about himself, then you should ask yourself if he is worth tiptoeing around and constantly encouraging, even if he might leave anyway, or if you even want someone like that in your life anyway.

Tex,

The guy I'm currently seeing doesn't seem like this so much. I mean, I can tell when he needs to know more information about something I said because he'll ask and usually it's not what he thought (and that's usually the case with me as well) so I think we're starting off well so far on the communication.

I just see it played out so many times in my past relationships and it's like "wow, I wonder if that's what happened?"

[caterpillar79]

I just think a man who leaves even if he's found THE woman whom he should stick around with (for life) just because he could not fathom "what is going on inside him" is a coward and doesn't deserve the woman.

Woman should say...next!

[Texinator]

Those kinds of men like to complain about overly emotional and hysterical women, but the irony is that they're being 'emotional' themselves, in the sense that they're acting on emotion (fear) but they're not willing to look within themselves to examine that emotion and its origins.

[WildChild]

Aghhhhhh, a lot of men are total chickens when it comes to emotional connection. If you've ever kept chickens and watched them in a hail storm, they'll all run, following the leader, run right under a shelter and right back out again, they aren't thinking and can't percieve that they have a safe place, so they run back out into the storm. Scared to death - total blind panic, can't handle it, would rather face torture than love. I've been dealing with one. Can't cut it off, can't really be in it. Push me pull me. It's very sad and you have to feel sorry for them because they lose out - big time. It hurts them but they are so wrapped in whatever set it off (which they probably have no real clue of) that they punish themselves and every woman who close.

[Texinator]

Somehow I find your signature very appropriate for this topic.