[sr14225]

I don't usually let too many people into my heart because I've been hurt so many times before. I don't have any close friends, only casual friends. Very rarely will anyone ever invite me to do anything. I don't get phone calls from people inviting me to parties or to lunch or anything. I'm a nice person and I'm told this all of the time. I make an effort to invite people to do things but I'm petrified and so afraid of rejection. Most of the time it doesn't work out. Anyway, I'm a female and I met a guy 7 years ago. We both belong to the same community band. I didn't really hang out with anyone at the time. He made an effort to include me and it really meant a lot to me. We would talk after rehearsals and concerts and we started e-mailing each other. I felt like I could tell him anything. 6 years ago he met a girl and they still see each other. I didn't understand the relationship because she is 22 years younger and he was married with 2 kids. That's not the problem though. The problem is his girlfriend can't handle him being friends with me. I don't want a romantic relationship. I'm married and I don't believe in adultury. My friend tells me that he can't interact with me the way he used to because he doesn't want to upset his girlfriend. They've even had huge figthts over me and I didn't even do anything wrong. I simply expressed an interest in wanting to talk to him after rehearsals. This is the only time I get to see him. My friend is stuck in the middle trying to make both of us happy, but she is relentless. I think he stays with her because unlike his wife, she actually wants to be with him. She is also young, he's attracted to her, and I'm sure he enjoys the intimacy. I also don't think that he can stand being alone. She makes me feel like caring about him is wrong. It doesn't mean that I want to leave my husband. I just wanted to be a friend. She has total control over him and he knows it. He is not the fun loving person he used to be. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to express my sadness. He doesn't hang out with us anymore. He sends less e-mail. I want my friend back. He says he doesn't want to be this way but he is doing it for her. This is admirable, but what is wrong with being a friend? Why do I have to feel like I'm a bad person for caring about him? I know he cares about me too, but he would never tell me this. He can't choose our friendship over her. I'm very depressed. I thought I had a friend for life.

[alibaby]

If you really care about him, leave him alone.

... My friend is stuck in the middle trying to make both of us happy, but she is relentless...My friend tells me that he can't interact with me the way he used to because he doesn't want to upset his girlfriend. They've even had huge figthts over me and I didn't even do anything wrong. I simply expressed an interest in wanting to talk to him after rehearsals...He can't choose our friendship over her...

I had posted on your other thread today but after reading this, I really feel your pain. It sounds like you expect your friend to put you on the same level as his girlfriend but that can't happen, the same way you shouldn't put your friend on the same level or higher than your husband. Maybe you feel you are just being his friend, but to many people, their 'significant other' having a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex feels uncomfortable and it causes conflict. He should be making his girlfriend happy, not you. If you really care about him, leave him alone.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I had posted on your other thread today but after reading this, I really feel your pain. It sounds like you expect your friend to put you on the same level as his girlfriend but that can't happen, the same way you shouldn't put your friend on the same level or higher than your husband. Maybe you feel you are just being his friend, but to many people, their 'significant other' having a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex feels uncomfortable and it causes conflict. He should be making his girlfriend happy, not you. If you really care about him, leave him alone.

I just read this one and i saw the lonliness, obviously still within your marriage as well, hense the need to hold on to this "one true" friend.

I agree with this reply, you are fighting against the other woman and she must see that friendship as a threat.

I also however wonder how lonely he is, and suggest he should not be married as he has developed a bond of friendship with you, now with this other girl which he has entered into a relationship, all whilst married.

Perhaps, you just "need" badly that type of friend, the one you can share everything with. If it happened once, it will happen again.

You said you shared a lot of emails and you came to this Forum, not sure if you still are around but therefore, try chat sites that you can be-friend people like My Space as your name isn't tied into it nor your email address and get to know people, develop friends.

Even if this man did not pick up with a girl 22 years his junior, he is still married and the communication you would want would be on-going which a married "friend" can't or should'nt really be giving, unless his wife is also your friend. You need single friends in your life and chat sites may just help you get out of yourself a bit more.