[Neaky]

So I definitely have an issue here.. Confused and torn -- BEYOND words! I'm still with Mark (15 months now) but I've come to the point where my heart says one thing and my mind says another.. Again, this is my first serious relationship so I know I still have so much to learn. Also, I have recently made a new friend online who is about a year and a half younger than me, lives in another state and is single. We talk on a daily basis and Mark is aware of this.. He's not to fond which I'm beginning to understand.

Even before this kid came into the picture I've been constantly on the fence about my relationship with Mark. Its not a bad relationship just, it doesnt seem what I want anymore.. I love Mark to death and my heart wont let me leave him but my mind say I want something new; I dont want to be with someone I'm always fighting with over the fact he wants to go hang with his friends to sit around and get stoned playing video games a couple times a week; getting annoyed with because he's way messier and unorganized than me, or bickering how "I don't want him anymore" because I don't have sex with him or even want to do anything sexual (which isn't the case at all, and I tell him time after time but he believes different).

Like I said, I talk to this kid on a daily basis and I see him as a best friend but recently, I've begun to feel like I like him more than a friend, and I really really don't want to because I don't want to lose a friend (Mark or him). He is a really sweet guy, always there for me when I need someone to talk to, can bring me out of a bad mood, and we have a lot of fun together (even if it IS talking). And recently, we've discussed me going out there to visit him when he gets a place but I won't do that if I'm still with Mark. Another thing.. A few nights ago, I had a dream that had him in it (we'll call him Sam). I don't remember much of anything about it except for the part where I about cheat on Mark and at the last minute change my mind and say I can't. It just makes me feel uneasy.

I mean, I don't know what to do with myself right now. I love Mark but right now, I'm so flustered by him, I feel like I just need to put a break on this relationship but another part of me is like, I don't want to lost Mark, he's the guy I'm supposed to marry one day, have kids with, be with till I die, you know? And then with Sam, it's jsut like, I like how I feel when I talk to him.. We can talk for hours about anything, or nothing at all, and I can be my stupid, silly, self when I talk to him and he just laughs and says he loves it.. And then I see how it bothers Mark and I'm like, gahh. Idk what to do.

Please.. A little help!!?

[Mes T]

Mark, he's the guy I'm supposed to marry one day, have kids with, be with till I die, you know?

Question: How do you come to that conclusion, given all the issues you've listed you have with your boyfriend?

All couples have issues, the key is figuring out of they can be worked through or not. And if your heart telling you it's not possible, and those aren't the kids of problems you want in your life, then leaving the relationship might be best.

I hope you don't actually do ANYthing with your online friend while you still have a boyfriend, though. I'd feel for Mark, tbh. So often we hear stories of people cheating in various ways.

One man at a time. And with that in mind, go with what your heart tells ya.

[Neaky]

Question: How do you come to that conclusion, given all the issues you've listed you have with your boyfriend?

All couples have issues, the key is figuring out of they can be worked through or not. And if your heart telling you it's not possible, and those aren't the kids of problems you want in your life, then leaving the relationship might be best.

Its stupid, I know but have you ever loved somebody enough that the good makes you stay more than the bad makes you want to leave? I don't know. I thought he would be the one.. I thought I would grow to just, ignore those faults and be happy that he loves me and I love him. I hate fighting with him, I hate being mad and annoyed with him. I sometimes even think that breaking up would be the thing to do, the best thing for both of us.. I know how he feels about me too. Any time we've fought and gotten into deep conversations or any time he's thought we were going to break up, he will burst into tears.. I don't know if its more than anything GUILT that's kept me from doing it. I did once, for about 2 hrs and just seeing him so hurt killed me. Not only that, I don't want to lose a best friend.. You know?

I hope you don't actually do ANYthing with your online friend while you still have a boyfriend, though. I'd feel for Mark, tbh. So often we hear stories of people cheating in various ways.

One man at a time. And with that in mind, go with what your heart tells ya.

Oh no no no, definitely not. "Sam" and I talk via, AIM and the telephone, nothing else. Strictly talking. I definitely wouldn't even think of doing that to Mark. I would never bring myself to cheat on Mark. He is a good guy at his best times.. He doesn't deserve that, no matter how complicated things get between us.

Even that dream, it scared the out of me, made me almost sick to think I was going to sleep with another guy that wasn't Mark.. Granted it was just that, a dream, it didn't feel right and I was relieved when I woke up that I did NOT cheat.

Is that silly? Am I being silly? I mean.. I know I don't make sense but that's how it all is in my head

[Guest]

dont tie the two issues together, because it gives a skewed answer and result.

the first issue is with Mark. can you live with the way things are with him regardless if anyone else is in the picture or not. you in fact CAN love and have feelings for people that you cant stand some things about. doesnt mean that you should stay with them just because you have feelings for them. there are probably billions of posts on this forum alone of people who have stayed in relationships with people that they care about, but probably shouldn't be because of irreconcilable differences that strain and damage a relationship.

Sam is a separate matter. many people here (including me) have developed friendships over the internet via forum, IM, or whatever. they always seem great because we seem to "really know the person" because we talk but without the pressure of sex, etc. but i dont know of too many that have actually worked long term when it changes from internet based to real life.

i've read through some of the older posts and seen where finally going to meet mr right didnt end up as either of the people had envisioned it would. even for me, i know that a friendship i had developed over IM with someone who i thought i had gotten to be close friends with, in reality seemed to be nothing more to them that a way of being distracted from work and having someone to chat with.

the very painful lesson i got from that experience is that people can be different via IM or the net, then they really are in person.

and I am sure that some other people here have run into the same thing too.

anyway, I think you need to sit down and evaluated these two issues separately. considering them together could give you a very different answer.

[sourpuss]

I could never be with someone who sits around all day getting stoned and playing video games. I'll kill myself....or him.

[Guest]

I could never be with someone who sits around all day getting stoned and playing video games. I'll kill myself....or him.

well i think those options are a bit drastic, but i understand the idea behind it.


I'm guessing Mark is about your age, and 19/20 year olds do seem to be a bit different now a days than when i was growing up. lord knows i see it in my oldest child, and i'm not too fond of some of what i see now and again.

the key is whether or not Mark grows out of those behaviors, and how long it takes. i dont know about you, but i wouldnt want to marry and try and have kids with someone who is still stuck with those habits. no ambition and just hanging around and toking and playing video games all day isnt a real profession, and certainly not in line with most jobs that make enough money to support a family.

maybe it's being greedy on my part, but i wouldnt want to end up spending the rest of my life with someone like that.

[Hopeless Dork]

I have to say ...even though your boyfriend is aware of you talking to this guy online, doesn't make it right and his lack of fondness for you doing it is warrented, that should be obvious to you now as you are starting to develop feelings for this guy online. Thats typically what happens when a lot of time is spent talking to a guy other than your boyfriend... who also happens to be single... they can make themselves sound like everything you are missing in your life. And because of that it just makes the man you have in the flesh seem less and less appealing.

Most of us have been on the internet long enough to see it happen, time and again. People meet, chat, just friends, but if one or both is single, if one or both has some problems in the relationship the other can become more attractive than they would be otherwise.

When you only talk to someone when they are at their best, you gain a far different perspective of them then when you are with them all day long like your current boyfriend.

If a woman came to this forum and says her man talks to a younger woman on messenger often and she's not fond of it... we'd all say , he shouldn't be doing that if it hurts you. She'd likely be worried he might be developing feelings for this woman...

And since thats now whats happening with you, you can see where she'd have cause to worry that.

In my opinion... I would taper myself off of sam for a while just til you get your feelings sorted without him clouding them. If your boyfriend is "the one" then its worth working on.... and the things you are doing , the bar you are setting for whats okay in this relationship is setting a precident... so one day when you come home and realize he's been chatting up the same girl online for a while and feel that sting, he'll be able to say... well its okay for you to do it, why not me?

[Neaky]

Wow. I'm pretty sure everything that you guys said is exactly what I needed to hear :\ I know it seems really crappy of me to be talking to some guy via internet, I guess I just feel lonely cos even though Mark and I are together every single day (both of us are out of jobs at the moment) we aren't together -- He'll play on the computer, search ebay for car parts, talk car forums, play his xbox so I'll just sit on his bed playing on MY laptop, going on FaceBook, YouTube, talking to Sam.. Blah. I feel like poop now :\

I appreciate the feedback a lot guys..

[Hopeless Dork]

No didn't mean to make you feel that way neaky, so not my intent . Just I think its important for you to act in a way that sets a standard for the behavior for what you want from him. If you wouldn't mind him having a female "sam" then it would be okay. But if you know in your heart you'd be unhappy with that... its important to showcase the same behavior you'd expect from him. Know what I mean?

I think you are feeling ignored... and sam has become the attention you need to feel special. Your boyfriend needs to understand that him leaving you with a need to feel special is going to put your relationship on the rocks. Either you will be down about it, or will eventually find a sam, if not this sam. I mean don't say that last part :P

But just he should know how much his distance is affecting you.

[Neaky]

Oh no, I didn't say you guys made me feel like poop, I meant I was making myself feel like poop cos it's true! I wouldn't want him to be talking to some girl all the time either, but like you said, Sam's become the attention giver that Mark is not (if that makes sense). I mean, I still get jealous when Mark goes down to see his best friend. Maybe that's just it.. ATTENTION. I don't feel like Mark gives me the attention I want even though we are ALWAYS together.

I mean, I have kinda voiced it here and there how when we are together, we AREN'T together and he says that's not true, and gets upset. Anytime I try to be honest with him about how I feel, he gets upset and says "Why are you with me? I'm a terrible boyfriend.. Blah blah blah." and I become the comforting girlfriend and he says how hes gonna work on it, and he wants nothing more than for me to be happy but he never seems to change..

I had already lost him before (if I had already told you guys the story when I first joined) and I've always said I didnt wanna lose him again, which is true.. Even if I could just have him as my friend but I know that ex's don't work well as friends.. BLAH! I really dont know what to do right now