[lucybelle]

I'm 23 and am casually dating a guy. We "dated" a few years ago, but I cut it off because I had feelings for him and wanted a relationship and he didn't. Now that he realized what he was missing () we started seeing eachother... to what I thought was very causal. He lives in another city and now has a child. I've told him I don't see this going anywhere, but that I do like to hang out. The other day he told me he loved me... twice. It was so awkward because I didn't know what to do! I know I've made myself very clear in that I don't think we'll ever be in a relationship. But now that he said he loves me, I feel like I should tell him we shouldn't hang out at all anymore. He's a nice guy, and I don't want to lead him on or hurt his feelings! What should I do?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think, that you should question "why" you had feelings for him then and now you don't, and whether it has to do with fear, the child, or the distance, or something entirely different.

Just as you wanted him back then, he didn't.

Now, he wants you, you don't.

Possibly because this time around, your calling the shots with the "I don't want"...

Be clear and sure within yourself, if things were different, if you lived closer ie) before making a decision.

If you don't have feelings for him, then your leading him on, set him free to find someone that loves him back, if that ends up being the case.

CW

[lucybelle]

I think all the things you listed are reasons that I wouldn't want a relationship with him... the distance, his child... I'm just not ready for that type of comitment. I mean I can't even decide on a hair color!

But, all that aside, I know I don't have feelings for him because when he came over, I felt nothing. When we were with eachother, I felt nothing. I know how I used to feel about him, you know the flutter in your chest when you see your man? I used to get that when he was around. And now it's nothing.

I think the reason I keep entertaining the thought of being together is because he seems so unhappy. He doesn't enjoy his life, but he does enjoy being with me. I know I need to let him go, but I feel like that would hurt him MORE.

[Explorer44]

Better to be honest and potentially hurt him now then to allow him to falsely believe this is going to be something-especially if he has a child. What happens if he wants to you meet his child, to spend time in ways that could be construed as 'family time'?

I hope you will tell him now where you stand and let him move on emotionally..

[Guest]

be nice, but be blunt and let him know exactly how you feel.

if you are worried about hurting him, he will only hurt a lot more if you prolong this!

[lucybelle]

I feel like I've been blunt! That's the thing... I've told him I see us going nowhere, and that we'll never be together. I told him our lives are too different, and we'll never match up. But I told him that I do like to hang out with him, so we can do that. Then he up and tells me he loves me.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is should I cut him off altogether? I don't want to lead him on, even though I've flatly told him I don't want a relationship with him. I don't want to cut him off, because I really do cherish him as a friend and partner, but I don't want him to have false hopes.

[Guest]

tell him that you dont love him. that you understand how he feels and appreciate his feelings, but that you dont and wont feel the same way. and that if he isnt ok with being just friends, then you cant be his friend.

i am confused though when you said:

I really do cherish him as a friend and partner

partner? what does that mean?

[lucybelle]

i am confused though when you said:

I really do cherish him as a friend and partner

partner? what does that mean?

Partner = sex partner. The sex is great. We have a really good physical chemistry.

And thanks for the advice! I'll let him know next time I see him.

[newhere808]

Partner = sex partner. The sex is great. We have a really good physical chemistry.

In my opinon, that's your problem right there. Telling someone you see a relationship going nowhere while still having sex with them is extremely confusing and misleading, it's very easy to misunderstand what a person wants when sex is involved as both sex and the word "love" mean different things to different people.

I think that if you are still having sex with him, while telling him that nothing will become of the two of you, then you are leading him on unfairly. If the sex has stopped then as Sperosi and others have said, you need to continue to be up front with him about it. There are a lot of reasons to be in a relationship, worrying about hurting anothers feelings is not one of them.

[lucybelle]

There are a lot of reasons to be in a relationship, worrying about hurting anothers feelings is not one of them.

That definitely hit home for me. You guys are all right... thanks! It just sucks giving up something that's so good!