[chout]

Hi everybody,
My bf and I have been dating for 7 months now.I live in a different state but we see each other almost every month.I go there for one week at a time.However, he has those panic attacks when i go there because he says, has never lived with a girlfriend before.He feels like he needs his space, but at the same time don`t want to push me away because thats how he ended up most his relationships.He said he had sex with numerous girls before and decided to change his life and work on himself (he is 29 years old).So he went 2years without a girl friend and without having sex.I`m the first girl he`s dated since.However, when i go there to see him, our sex life is not that great.Most of the time he is not in the mood, when i touch him he pushes me away (gently), or when i put his hands on my breasts he holds back.He tells me that the panic attacks prevent him from thinking about sex and that he is attracted to me.
Also, he is very cute and likes taking care of himself.Goes to the gym almost everyday, have a lot lot of clothes from the same designer, takes at least 20mn in the shower (sometimes he shaves his head and beard), he keeps his house extra clean.
After the last time i came back from there, he told him that he is scared of our relationship and doesnt know if he wants to keep going.He says he is confused and scared but dont know exactly of what.He goes to the club once a week and recently he has been going with a coworker (a man).Last time he told me that he went to the club with a coworker and that a gay man hit on him.He also make comments when he sees a man who has a nice body on tv or in pictures.But he also make comments ( a litle bit too much) about hot girls.
So lately, ive been checking online the signs that your botfriend is gay i found a lot of them in my boyfriend.I am very suspicious that he might be gay, but at the same time i hope that i am just trippin.Sometimes I wanna ask him but i am scared he might not take it well.Maybe he is confused about hi sexuality and doesnt know what he wants, and that`s why he is having those panic attacks.
Please tell me what you think? its been 2 weeks now that I have all those questions in my head.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think you may find, that he just can't handle full time relationships, that being "people" in his space.

The fact that he is a clean freak to a degree tells me he likes living by himself, wants someone in his life, but can't handle people "living in his space" and at his age, it's causing him concern, but on the same accord is happier on his own.

If he's "cute" off course gay guys will make passes at him.. He talks about women as being hot as well as dating women before you and now.

I don't think he is gay, I just think he needs to be around the corner and seeing you once every few days unfortunately.

That's what I think.

CW

[chout]

You are so right.that`s what he tells me (but i still had my doubts). i really dont put pressure on him because i know how he feels.But what should i do? I`m here for school and i should be done next year.I plan on moving back in his state (but not move in with him) after i graduate.He is freaking out because he tells me that it would be so much easier if i was living there.But since I am moving back there for sure, shouldnt he be patient and handle the long distance for one more year? plus i got the whole summer to see him

[Joy]

for these panick attacks is he on any type of meds? If so that could really be decressing his desire for sex. They kinda flat line a lot of ppl. No super highs no super lows. When you are with him for the week doing everyday things do you feel a connection and do you feel loved? When you are making out and having sex do you feel an intimate connection?

IF he is suffering from anxiety those are fears he has to work thru all you can do is listen and be supportive.

[chout]

Sometimes i feel loved, sometimes i feel like he is away.he tells me these fears are constantly on his mind.He is not on medication but he wants to start seeing a therapist to hopefully find what`s wrong with him.I am extra supportive and understanding, and he is aware of that.I give him all the time he needs to work on it and listen to him EVERY TIME he feels low and wanna talk.but sometimes when we talk, he doesnt tell me that he misses me because he doesnt want to lead me on, when he doesn`t trust himself (not feelings wise).

[KMonte85]

Not to sound like an uncaring jerk... but are you sure this guy is worth the trouble you're putting yourself through to stay with him? He seems like he's having a lot of anxiety issues, and is really wishy-washy about where he wants your relationship to go.

You take time off to spend a week with him, and he freaks out.

You initiate intimacy, and he freaks out.

He tells you he wants you to move closer, but he freaks out and tells you he doesn't want to lead you on.


You've been with him, long distance, for only 7 months. To me that seems like 7 months too long to be with someone who has this amount of relationship anxiety. He should defnitely go seek some outside help... and in the meantime, I'm not so sure it wouldn't be best for you to more focus on school and less on his problems.

[chout]

Not to sound like an uncaring jerk... but are you sure this guy is worth the trouble you're putting yourself through to stay with him? He seems like he's having a lot of anxiety issues, and is really wishy-washy about where he wants your relationship to go.

You take time off to spend a week with him, and he freaks out.

You initiate intimacy, and he freaks out.

He tells you he wants you to move closer, but he freaks out and tells you he doesn't want to lead you on.


You've been with him, long distance, for only 7 months. To me that seems like 7 months too long to be with someone who has this amount of relationship anxiety. He should defnitely go seek some outside help... and in the meantime, I'm not so sure it wouldn't be best for you to more focus on school and less on his problems.

Yeah he is starting therapy this week and i`m waiting to see how it`s gonna affect our relationship.So far , I`m focus on school and acing almost all my classes

[Hopeless Dork]

I was thinking same thing, CW... the neatness, the 30 minute showers, the clothing all of the same designer, etc... may be signs of OCD rather than homosexuality.

My boyfriend is a total neat freak and I'm a messy messy girl. I remember when we first started dating, If I left a napkin on a table and got up to wash my hands it would be in the trash by the time I got back... every time I left something he practically shoved it in my arms lol. I thought he just didn't want my stuff there, but soon realized he just wanted my stuff organized.

I've learned to adjust my behavior and be much more tidy for him, and he's learned that something can sit out of place for a bit, no harm will come

But then he's not OCD, just tidy and organized. A guy with OCD i'd imagine would totally find chaos in the least little things moved, and you being there for a week probably leads to some disorder in his rituals.

I am glad he is getting help, he will not be able to be in a healthy happy co-habitive relationship with you or ANYONE if he doesn't work through this affliction.

Now, if he continues you decline intimacy with you... you might have to communicate your concerns about his lack of interest leads you to feel like you are not what he finds attractive. You don't have to say or think its because he must like men, whether that is (not likely though) or is not the case ... the real issue is whether or not he's capable or even wants to make you feel desirable and wanted sexually.

The metro behaviors aren't indicitive of him being gay. Now if you found gay porn, or he begins to frequent gay clubs (not many totally hetero guys feel comfortable in them), or you have any other thing tugging at your gut, you might want to talk to him about your concerns... but i would NOT reccomend accusing, not reccomend assuming, not reccomend even bringing up the topic unless there were clear signs of that. I think it would hurt a guy a lot to have his girlfriend question his sexual orientation, perhaps irrecoverably for the relationship so.

[chout]

I was thinking same thing, CW... the neatness, the 30 minute showers, the clothing all of the same designer, etc... may be signs of OCD rather than homosexuality.

My boyfriend is a total neat freak and I'm a messy messy girl. I remember when we first started dating, If I left a napkin on a table and got up to wash my hands it would be in the trash by the time I got back... every time I left something he practically shoved it in my arms lol. I thought he just didn't want my stuff there, but soon realized he just wanted my stuff organized.

I've learned to adjust my behavior and be much more tidy for him, and he's learned that something can sit out of place for a bit, no harm will come

But then he's not OCD, just tidy and organized. A guy with OCD i'd imagine would totally find chaos in the least little things moved, and you being there for a week probably leads to some disorder in his rituals.

I am glad he is getting help, he will not be able to be in a healthy happy co-habitive relationship with you or ANYONE if he doesn't work through this affliction.

Now, if he continues you decline intimacy with you... you might have to communicate your concerns about his lack of interest leads you to feel like you are not what he finds attractive. You don't have to say or think its because he must like men, whether that is (not likely though) or is not the case ... the real issue is whether or not he's capable or even wants to make you feel desirable and wanted sexually.

The metro behaviors aren't indicitive of him being gay. Now if you found gay porn, or he begins to frequent gay clubs (not many totally hetero guys feel comfortable in them), or you have any other thing tugging at your gut, you might want to talk to him about your concerns... but i would NOT reccomend accusing, not reccomend assuming, not reccomend even bringing up the topic unless there were clear signs of that. I think it would hurt a guy a lot to have his girlfriend question his sexual orientation, perhaps irrecoverably for the relationship so.

I agree 100% with your post.I`m a very clean person and always pick up after myself.but at the beginning, he still found something to pick up after me.he wouldnt even let me put the groceries in the fridge because he wants to organize them himself, in order to know where he puts everything.I complained about that and now he lets me do it.I think he has some OCD but not very serious since he is no longer that picky about what i do around the house.Now, hopefully this therapy will also fix our sexual life because " it sucks" lol.Do you think that men`s sexual drive decreases as they grow older? (he is 30)?
PS: I really like him that`s why i am going through all that,trying to understand him, not be judgmental, and not take what he does personally.He has a very good heart and would be at his best without this anxiety.

[sourpuss]

Being clean, taking long showers, designer clothing....doesn't NOT mean someone is gay!! Holy moley people! Ok, I just had to get that off my chest.

To me, everything you described is that he's really insecure and I'm willing to bet the whole thing about being with lots of girls in the past is totally false and just something he says to mask his insecurity.