[elenasaar]

So I'm new to this forum, after a Google search looking for places that might offer relationship advice. Read through some of the threads, and it seems like the community here is very understanding. ^_^

*takes a deep breath* Okay. I've been in a relationship with the same guy for a little over seven years, and we've been through a lot of stuff, including one near-breakup and one instance of cheating (from both ends) a few years ago. Mine was an honest mistake, because I thought there was something wrong with me, with the way I have sex, because I don't enjoy it as much as most girls say they do. So I felt like I needed to experiment. And... I didn't get any more enjoyment out of sex with the guy I cheated with than I do with my boyfriend. So to date, I still wonder if there's something wrong with me.

Until a few months ago. I'll get to that part in a moment, though.

His cheating... didn't involve intercourse, exactly, but there was a point where he was spending more time at the apartment of a (male) friend of his, including spending the night, than he did with me. And I was distinctly not welcome there. So it wasn't as physical as mine was, but he and I both still consider it such. We're past both incidents now, and he (as far as I know) doesn't even speak to the friend anymore.

We've had our ups and downs, like any relationship, but in the last few years I've wanted to take it to the next level. Marriage, that kind of thing. I think I should say here that neither he nor I are Christian, so to us marriage would be little more than a way for us to formalize things, and make us beneficiaries of each other's stuff... &c, &c. I've also gotten to the point where I want to bring a child into the world. This part's hard for me to say, because despite the fact that I don't get much out of sex with him, we have had it unprotected enough that I should have gotten pregnant, I think. (I know there are other options out there, but that's for a different topic.) When I have talked to him about it in the past, he has always said that he doesn't think we're ready for children right now. Recently, though, he's changed his tune, saying he doesn't want kids at all. This was news to me, and quite honestly it hurt that he never told me that sooner. He knows all this, of course.

Recently I felt like he and I were drifting apart. We both have lives online as well as in "meatspace", and friends both shared and not. I met this girl a few months back. She and I have been talking a lot. About problems, about work... And I felt comfortable talking to her about all my problems. There are things about me that only she and my boyfriend know about me. I've known almost as long as I've know her that to actually meet her in an offline situation would be... pretty much unfeasible, because of where she lives.

I've had feelings for her almost since I met her, and more than "just friends" feelings. About a month and a half ago, she told me she had those same feelings. (I hadn't mentioned anything before that, but I had a feeling she knew, just like I had a feeling she shared my feelings.) Because of my relationship with my boyfriend, I've not acted on it in the past, other than in passing comments.

Of course, this just complicated things for me, because I started back to school earlier this month to finish my degree (after about 6 years out!). This is something I've been trying to do for the last two years, and finally had things fall into place to where I could do it. I jumped on the chance, understandably.

A couple of weekends ago, I finally got up the guts to tell my boyfriend how I felt about her. I thought it would make me feel better, especially when he seemed accepting of it. He tried for a week to make it work with the three of us, and we had... some fun online. But after a week, he started getting really possessive and said he couldn't bear the thought of sharing me. He said I would have to choose, no if's, and's, or but's.

I made my tearful decision that same night, but I'm not sure I made the right one just a week later, because he's been (it feels like) driving me away with every decision (or indecision) he makes. And the more I think about it, the more I think I do want to want to be with her. The problem is now, she and I both want me to finish school (which should be done by next spring), and because of where she is, I'd have to start all over with school. I'm unemployed right now, because I'm focusing on finishing my degree, and he's willing to support me. He said the night he forced me to make a decision that no matter what I decided, his only concern was making me happy.

My question for you guys is this. I think my mind is made up as to who I want to be with, but I'm trying to figure out if it would be best to go ahead and tell him now, hoping for the best, or wait until it's closer to time and I get ready to move to be with her after graduation. The best I can hope for out of the situation is that he will be okay with me still living with him, since we have a two-bedroom apartment as it is, and that he'll still be willing to support me while I finish school. I'm worried that that's too much to ask of someone, though, and I'm worried that he'll kick me out right then and there, as he's the only one on the lease for this apartment because of my employment situation. The only car we have is in his name only, as well.

What do you guys think? Should I bite the bullet and go ahead and tell him how I feel, and worry about what happens after as it happens?

[sourpuss]

I think after discovering that the person you've spent the last 7 years with is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, the best thing would be to be on your own for a while.

Jumping from a long-term relationship like that into a completely new one doesn't give you any time to focus on yourself, what you need and want and maybe some of the mistakes you've made along the way. You can think and feel all you want in a relationship, but until you're completely on your own, it's hard to grow and really find yourself.

The only reason to stay in a relationship would be because you want to be with that person. Apartments, cars, bank accounts, etc all come and go and should never be a reason to stay with someone for any amount of time.

[WildChild]

I agree with Sourpuss.
Have you actually met this woman? In person?

[rcoreyus]

We are understanding and I really am well-meaning, but you've asked for advice, and you might not like what I'm about to say.

Let me get my big concern out of the way first - please please please don't have a child unless you and the father are absolutely sure that is what you want. Don't have unprotected sex, don't take the chance with a child's life.

If you know you aren't going to stay with him, I don't think it is ethical to allow him to continue to support you. If you aren't still sleeping with him, and you know the relationship is ending, then you are simply friends - and friends don't generally financially support each other. If you are sleeping with him while he is supporting you - do you (and he) really want that sort of arrangement?

I'm sorry, really, but when you end a relationship with someone, many of the associated responsibilities end. You can hope for and expect the sort of assistance you would get from a friend, but not from an lover.

I think you need to tell him, and if you can't pay him rent, you need to pack your things. I don't think you can ask him for support - even if he is willing, you would be taking unfair advantage of his generosity.

I would be very careful of a relationship with someone you haven't met in person - it is very difficult to tell what someone is over a network connection.

I'm sorry you are in this spot.

[newhere808]

The best I can hope for out of the situation is that he will be okay with me still living with him, since we have a two-bedroom apartment as it is, and that he'll still be willing to support me while I finish school. I'm worried that that's too much to ask of someone, though, and I'm worried that he'll kick me out right then and there, as he's the only one on the lease for this apartment because of my employment situation. The only car we have is in his name only, as well.

A pretty justifiable concern as you are essentially hoping that a man will support you after you have decided to not only leave him, but to leave him in the most humiliating way possible, for another woman. Not to speak ill of anyones preferences, but that's a pretty serious blow to a guys pride.

Honestly, I think you need to do what you can to seek employment and make your own arrangements as your in a situation where you either live a lie, or end out on the street, and both are terrible reasons to carry on a relationship.

I agree with Sourpuss about you taking some time to yourself. I don't mean this to be insulting, but you seem to be far too fickle to concern yourself with another relationship with anyone, and some time to get your personal priorities straight may be a good idea

[Iseulda]

There are a couple of questions you need to ask yourself.

The relationship with him seems to be drawing to an end. Try to put yourself outside of that and ask yourself how you feel about her. Would you feel this way about her anyway? Are you perhaps transferring your feelings to her because things are difficult with him? Or would you love her anyway?

Are you interested in her because sex with him (and the other man) is not what you want it to be? Are you thinking that maybe sex with a girl will be more fulfilling? (If you have had sex with her, was it more fulfilling? Often when we fantasize about something we've never done it is so much better than the reality turns out to be.)

When you made your decision to stay with him was part of that decision because he offers financial security?

What exactly has made you change your mind? Do you miss her? Is there more to it than that?

You don't have to answer those questions here. But think about them yourself.

I went from one LTR (marriage actually) straight into another and I don't feel it was wrong because the marriage was over anyway. If I hadn't met my now fiancé (also started as an online friendship) I would have left my husband anyway. It was over. I asked myself questions like those I have posed here over and over til I was sure.

And as for staying living with your boyfriend just as a friend AND having him support you - no. It is too much to ask. Even if you do ask and he does say yes it isn't fair on him. You have to be true to yourself and be fair to him. And I don't mean stay with him, pretending to be still his girlfriend just to have a roof over your head and finish school. That's not right.

Don't make any rash decisions. Maybe you and her are right. Maybe you are not. But you need to deal with him and your relationship with him independently. Judge him and the relationship alone - not in comparison or contrast to how you feel about her.

Best of luck.