[Futureboy]

Hi Ladies,

As you know I've been single for a (long) while and I am starting to think may be my strict rules of being a 'good guy' are in need of modification.

My two rules are:

1) No 'Stealing'

2) No one from work

These seem logical rules of self preservation.

1) No 'Stealing'
As I get older I see more and more people nicking somebody's SO with mainly beneficial concequences. I read on here about bad men and frustrated women. I am a good person and I know I have alot to offer. It's purely a hypothetical question but if someone is a bit interested with a wedding ring/SO, is it a firm no, mainly a no, maybe no or a possiblity?

I am not talking about directly targeting married women just no completly ruling them out.

2) No one from work

This came about due to the obvious. I tend to stay in jobs quite a long time and am reletively senior. The fall out just doesn't seem worth it. I have been asked on a date and had one of the girls offer to set me up with her sister. It just seems inappropriate.


Your veiws on either I would greatly appreciate

Fb

[CHANDLERS WISH]

mmm....

Kind of like your thought pattern but you know, it's a hard one.

For instance, I spent 17 years in the Hospitality Industry, finishing at 1am , 3am, Christmas Day, NYE, Birthdays, Mother's Day, etc, etc, ... Not much of a life for dating right?

And, I was engaged at some point, but he was married, about to separate and become Divorced, dadadada, in-comes, aweee, poor thing, the belief pattern of women with emotions (20 years ago), thankfully I've grown

Point being, at that time, my thought pattern was the same, but as I got to know him, met her, talk around the traps that it was all true, I entered a relationship, once he left her, ended up engaged and well not married haha. Another story.

So there, we have married and work.....

Some circumstances I think can be different with that thought pattern but in general it's a good one to have.

Now?

Well, my man is married but so am I.

I've been separated 2yrs 8 months, him 8 months... Technically we are free agents.

I've not Divorced yet, purely due to finance, that being the ex wants my money and off course, same for him, his ex is requesting more and more from the pie.

So there, I can't say we are doing anything at all wrong, yet we are both technically still married.

See how it's a tough one?

As for "stealing someone" that to me is totally different. I've never cheated, I've left first and I wouldn't work on someone so that they left their partner, for me, because ultimately it will bite you in the bum, the grass isn't always greener and it would be me that would get hurt as the other person commenses to fight for their rights and possibly win.. Even if they lose, it would eat at me.. Couldn't do that. They would have to leave first. And, have left their heart along time ago...

CW

[Futureboy]

They would have to leave first. And, have left their heart along time ago...

CW

CW this seems to suggest you can if they are prepared to leave. This suggests a level of dating even if its just as friends

What about if they have emosionally left the person but not physically???? and possbly the husband doesn't know they've been emotionally been left???

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Okay...

I guess, that's what I am saying Futureboy...

You know I am a believer that alot, not all, settle... Women have emotions and therefore, once they sleep with a man they automatically put him in the "boyfriend" zone, whereas a man may purely have chemistry, as he's been neglected in that department and not get to know her inside, therefore, not feel the same thing and consequently, nothing eventuates and therefore, she gets hurt.

That in mind, it's highly important that there be no "emotional attachement", that is the only way a new relationship can progress isn't it? If there is baggage, then it won't happen.

It's funny.. Because, if the person has left emotionally, it's better that both left emotionally... If one didn't then they will carry a different baggage so can they open up and be loved and give love back? Or, the other party, in your scenario, still has strong feelings for the wife, will he create havoc that will dis-enable her to love? As she goes through different emotions and thereby, both of you going through those emotions together? You have to be strong, tough and there for her and she has to be smitten enough with you (not just chemistry) to talk about it and then let it go, giving you that support and love so you know your safe.

I would say ensure that it's not just chemistry.. because falling in love with someone else if real, nothing can stop that if it's on both sides.

I don't know if it's a level of dating, because your taking me back 20 years haha, but I guess, it could be classed as that, you "know" that your going to end up in a relationship and your working towards that mentally, just not physically perhaps from Morals.

[Futureboy]

OK to recap then

Emotionally single - is ok

Don't persue anything physical until physically single

Working towards finding out if they are emotionally single is ok, provided this ers more on the friendship aspect.

Making a play and convinsing someone, not allowed

Worth knowing

CW what do you think about point 2) no one at work??

[CHANDLERS WISH]

2) No one from work

This came about due to the obvious. I tend to stay in jobs quite a long time and am reletively senior. The fall out just doesn't seem worth it. I have been asked on a date and had one of the girls offer to set me up with her sister. It just seems inappropriate.

Sorry

What's wrong with a sister? Can't see anything wrong with that at all.

My views on work? Well, you both have to have an understanding I think that if a relationship develops, and your collegues, work mates, then at some point one would have to consider applying somewhere else.

Working together guarantees success. That was a saying I used in my publication 15 years ago, but doesn't work when your in a relationship and work together, your distracted, can't focus, people see it and bosses don't like it and if it fails, then your still in the same workplace which sucks. And, in addition your in each other's face So you don't get a chance to miss someone, like you would in a different situation.

That's my take on it.

Been there remember haha.

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

Married/attached... Never ends well, even if you get the 'prize'. Women in an unhappy relationship can be easy targets, for one... they are lonely, don't feel special or attractive - you pay them enough attention and you might be the most amazing thing since sliced bread to them... and that'll feel good to you....

But you know you wouldn't want to be on the recieving end of such a deception, plus if she decides to leave husband/so for you... talk about the drama involved... men have been killed, beaten and what not for messing with another mans wife... not a typical scenerio but not worth the risk, either. And you are setting yourself up to be a rebound... if a woman leaves her life for YOU... you will be held to a much higher standard than any other man.

She will have such a high expectation because of all she sacraficed and will be resentful everytime you are not meeting her ideal etc. It just is a no - win situation. And you also risk falling for someone that in the end of it all decides not to leave their partner. Which means being alone on the important holidays and having to lay in bed at night knowing the one you love is in another mans arms. Hard stuff. Not worth it.

Work .... bad bad place. When you break up, if you do... and have a new woman in your life its going to be hard for her knowing you have to 'stay' late with 'linda' when she knows you use to have SEX with her... not to mention the interoffice awkwardness... etc. Plus couples need their space. Seeing someone all day at work, coming home to them... you are more likely to feel you don't have breathing room, I'd imagine.

[Guest]

Oh I could ramble on about this forever, especially the second one.

even just being really close friends at work can be tough. If you have read any of my posts about my rollercoaster friendship, it was all about a co-worker who I thought I was close friends with. Any little disturbance and it really can cause stress in doing your job.

One time we werent talking as friends and I had to get some info about something they were doing. A few work related IMs back and forth and I received a "It's weird having to talk like we dont know each other!"

well it was weird, and very stressful.

imagine if that wasnt just close friends having a disagreement?

have done the romance thing at work too (albeit many many years ago) and that didnt end well either. i am not sure i know anyone who has had a work fling that ever ended up with things being OK. at least not without a large passage of time!

[WildChild]

I think your rules are good ones.

The problem with someone who is in a relationship, no matter how bad, is that they need to find the strength in themselves to leave. If they don't there are issues they aren't dealing with (like when to leave, how communicate their needs, perhaps dependency) and then they need time to heal, to know what they really want. Otherwise down the road they could realise that while you "rescued" them, you aren't who they really want. Then there is the standard, if they'll leave someone for you, the may leave you for someone else.

The workplace, especially if you are in a senior position is touchy. I have a similar rule, I won't date tenants. If there is a problem and I have to enforce the requirement of their lease, I cannot let personal situations get in the way. In the work place, it depends on the environment and your posistion relative to the other worker. Dating an employee worked out pretty well for Bill Gates though.

I'm reminded of a family member, who was a student teacher and really attracted to the teacher he was working with. He got his diploma and vanished from the graduation. (Timing is everything) He'd gone straight over to ask her out. Their kids have all graduated from college now. Certainly the work place can be a place to meet people, you can observe them in all sorts of situations over time but you do have to be careful.

How about just finding different new places and ways to meet people. Get out to lectures, gallery openings, cooking demostrations, volunteer to rebuild a trail for the park service, if nothing else you will gain new experiences and knowledge and you never know who you might meet and who they might know.

[Futureboy]

I think we've explored this fairly well and I think the rules will stand but if there is a emotionally single person (but not actually single) I will not cut them off straight away.

What first attracted you to the geeky looking multi-billionaire Bill Gates?

CW I've stopped looking for someone now. I am concentrating on being happy. That's why I am emigrating to Switzerland and getting a new job. I might not work but I know what I am doing now is not working

Thanks

Fb