[Hopeless Dork]

I think not saying how you feel about someone isn't lying. Especially when it comes to telling a married person that you are attracted to them. You have to ask yourself this:

What reaction do I really want him to have when I tell him I am attracted to him?
Do I want him to admit feelings for me?
If he does... Do I want him to leave his wife and come be with me?
If he doesn't... Do I want him to forget I like him and still try to be friend?
If he doesn't... Do I hope he will eventually change his mind?

Then you have to think about possible scenerios that could take place when divulging that kind of information:
If he tells me that he likes me too... how will I proceed? Do I really want to be the catalyst to making him question and doubt a marriage he was otherwise happy in?
If he tells me he is offended by me coming to him with my feelings knowing he's a married man... how will I react to that?

I think ... you might be using this need to be 'honest' about your feelings... for some greater purpose that even you don't yet know yourself what it is.

If you see a woman walking down the street in a dress you think is hideous... do you stop her and tell her that you feel it is hideous? No, hopefully not. Your feelings are not some truth... they are your feelings, you are not lying about them by simply not divulging them.

It would be different if he specifically asked you : Do you have feelings for me? What are your feelings about me?

Then I could see the dilemma in wanting to keep it honest... but just randomly telling a happily married male friend that you might be into them... isn't the best idea in the world. You asked the opinion - mine is -- keep it to yourself.

I just can't imagine some woman telling my boyfriend (much less a husband I am happily married to) that she might have some feelings for him for no other reason that she just had to be honest... theres a catch there somewhere ... either you don't see it or don't want to see but you need to like wc has said investigate further on to yourself as to why you are letting your gaurd down and developing feelings for an unavailable man.

[rcoreyus]

He may know already. Whether you tell him depends a lot on the details of your relationship. Maybe something on the lines of "You know I really like you a lot - but would never do anything to risk our friendship".

[Hopeless Dork]

He may know already. Whether you tell him depends a lot on the details of your relationship. Maybe something on the lines of "You know I really like you a lot - but would never do anything to risk our friendship".

I think... rcoreyus in all honesty... Not doing anything to risk the friendship should be secondary to not doing anything to risk his marriage. If their is any friendship going on at all... that is.

If one of of my female friends was happy in her marriage and I was truly her friend and happy for her... I would not throw temptations at her and tell her some hot cool guy is into her. Why throw her off?

This is why I've said on threads before and will say again right here that I think married people being in close friendships with people that they could potentially be attracted to and are SINGLE... are risky relationships to have.

I know a lot of married women say they can have a platonic single male attractive friend and no funny business going on - and married men that think they can have a platonic friendship with an attractive single woman friend and no funny business going on -- but sometimes the single (or even the married) friend may develop feelings.

Its just a high risk relationship. When I was single I avoided hanging out with married or attached men that I found attractive when their wives/gfs were not present. One , to me, it just seemed like it could give the wrong idea to their lady... and two, I just feel like its not a comfortable situation.

If my guy had a single friend that was an attractive girl and they hung out often... it would be my fear that they'd eventually develop feelings for each other going beyond friendship and with as many posts as we see with women in this exact situation as the OP... I can see its not an irrational fear.

Of course people will do what they want to do regaurdless of right and wrong... but at the same time I can't help but feel that some combinations of friendship pose a higher risk than others.

[Texinator]

Ladies (and guys)

hard question for you to think about...

lets say you have a male friend that you are close with, he is happily married and does give any indication that anything is wrong is his marriage. If you develop feelings for him, more than just friends,...

do you ever tell him?

do you keep it to yourself?

do you give any indication how you feel?

does it hurt more to keep it in, or say something and risk the friendship?

is it a lie to never say anything about how you feel?


Guys, please chime in too!

The only time to ever tell him is if he were separated or divorced. Nothing good can come of telling him at any other time.

How should he react if he is happily married? Telling him wouldn't change anything other than maybe cause friction between him and his wife and break up your friendship.

Even if he weren't happily married, it's not your place to get between him and his wife by telling him about your feelings. He may get divorced anyway but don't become one of the reasons.

It's a no win situation regardless of how you look at it.

You can really only keep it to yourself. It may hurt, but it's the least hurtful of all the options.

[Guest]

i hope you dont get my post wrong, i am in no way looking to disrupt anyones marriage, and in actuality i think we'd make a lousy couple for a whole host of reasons.

i just dont like the idea of being on my death bed and not having told people how much i care about them. i already regret not having told friends and family members who have passed just how much they meant to me.

ugh, why do i just get more emotional and fragile as i get older?????

[kygirl]

i hope you dont get my post wrong, i am in no way looking to disrupt anyones marriage, and in actuality i think we'd make a lousy couple for a whole host of reasons.

i just dont like the idea of being on my death bed and not having told people how much i care about them. i already regret not having told friends and family members who have passed just how much they meant to me.

ugh, why do i just get more emotional and fragile as i get older?????

I think you can let someone know how much you care without telling them you want to be with them romantically. I mean, you just said yourself that it wouldn't work. You can love people and know it's not going to work, then what really is the point in telling them?

I've done that before and really not found it any less painful than it was to keep it to myself. And keeping it to myself is a lot less awkward.

[Texinator]

i hope you dont get my post wrong, i am in no way looking to disrupt anyones marriage, and in actuality i think we'd make a lousy couple for a whole host of reasons.

i just dont like the idea of being on my death bed and not having told people how much i care about them. i already regret not having told friends and family members who have passed just how much they meant to me.

No, I didn't think you wanted to disrupt their marriage, but telling him that you have feelings for him might just do that anyway.

It's like KY said, you can show you care without having to say that you want to be romantically involved.

[Guest]

. . .

It's like KY said, you can show you care without having to say that you want to be romantically involved.

oh i agree completely. its just hard sometimes judging exactly where the line is. the dmz is a wide area and its hard to see the landmines sometimes....

[Texinator]

How about the next time he does something nice for you and you're thanking him, just throw in there that you consider him a great friend and his friendship really means a great deal to you?

[Guest]

i do, and then something happens and things get different. not in a bad way, just, well endearing and thats when things get awkward. it's worse than being a work-wife!