[Guest]

Ladies (and guys)

hard question for you to think about...

lets say you have a male friend that you are close with, he is happily married and does give any indication that anything is wrong is his marriage. If you develop feelings for him, more than just friends,...

do you ever tell him?

do you keep it to yourself?

do you give any indication how you feel?

does it hurt more to keep it in, or say something and risk the friendship?

is it a lie to never say anything about how you feel?


Guys, please chime in too!

[pretzel]

Ladies (and guys)

hard question for you to think about...

lets say you have a male friend that you are close with, he is happily married and does give any indication that anything is wrong is his marriage. If you develop feelings for him, more than just friends,...

do you ever tell him?

do you keep it to yourself?

do you give any indication how you feel?

does it hurt more to keep it in, or say something and risk the friendship?

is it a lie to never say anything about how you feel?


Guys, please chime in too!

(minor point: There is no indication of anything wrong?)

Some things are best left unsaid until the right time and place. That time and place may not occur though. He may very well remain happily married for the next 50 years. There are times when the risks greatly outweigh the rewards.

[KMonte85]

I don't think this is a hard question at all...

been there in the past (not married, but he was in a LT relationship) and the hard and steadfast rule is to keep your mouth shut about your feelings toward him!

Most likely the feelings develop out of the bond and closeness that you feel towards him. Sometimes there is a chemistry too, but it seems most often that the attraction develops out of emotional attachment.

So in your example, great male friend, happily married, you've developed feelings beyond friendship for him....

do you ever tell him?

NO NO NO NO NO - you will lose the friendship, probably make things forever awkward between the two of you... any mutual friends may start pulling away too because of the situation. And if you have any relationship with the wife, she will probably want you out of their life and as far away from her husband as possible.

Huge upheaval.

do you keep it to yourself?

YES! Most times, as mentioned above, the feelings develop out of emotional intimacy.. finding a man that you can talk to honestly, openly, have a great time with, and develop a close relationship with has the potential to create an emotional attraction from a woman... as that is what we often crave. But you need to look at it as just that - it is an emotional thing, which means there is something else in my personal life that I am dissatisfied with. I am missing that emotional attachment, and I found it in a great male friend.

Gotta rationalize it.

do you give any indication how you feel?

Nope. He is a great friend. He is happily married. You do not ruin great friendships or happy marriages by indicating you're feeling more than your "friendship" feelings...

does it hurt more to keep it in, or say something and risk the friendship?

Both do hurt. But you need to look at the benefits and the repurcussions of both. You spill your emotional guts - you are being honest with yourself and him (bonus) BUT you probably do not get the guy, you create an awkward situation, depending on the circumstances, you can become an outcast/bad guy to him, his wife, and mutual friends for screwing stuff up. You most likely kill the friendship.

You don't talk... you feel like you're being dishonest with yourself and him (that sucks), but you suck it up, find an equally lovely single man to grow emotionally and physically attracted to, your attaction to your friend wanes, and life goes on as normal.

is it a lie to never say anything about how you feel?

No. We all have feelings towards others that we do not share with people. It is not lying, it is protecting yourself and others in a societal sense. If I went up to every coworker, boss, friend, acquaintance, family member, etc and told them exactly how I felt about them good or bad, well.... you can imagine just what chaos might ensue. By the time I was done, I would have made some great headway in my relationships, torn some relationships to the ground, and gotten fired.

[WildChild]

Married people are not available, even if their relationships are sinking. They need to deal with their stuff without any outside influence.
If you can be freinds fine. But you do need to look at why you would be attracted to someone who is not available. That's a good way to avoid intimacy.
There is a level of attraction in all freindships, that's why some people are freinds and others just aren't.

[Guest]

IDK, i always felt the truth regardless of how hard it was, was always a better thing. but i know i am different...

[WildChild]

IDK, i always felt the truth regardless of how hard it was, was always a better thing. but i know i am different...

There is no reason why everyone or anyone has to know all your truths. Honesty is a good policy. Divulging everything you think, isn't.

[Guest]

i'd rather know exactly how someone feels about me and deal with the awkwardness, then not know the truth. i've been hurt too many times when i havent known exactly where i stood with someone.

but, i am insane...

[pretzel]

i'd rather know exactly how someone feels about me and deal with the awkwardness, then not know the truth. i've been hurt too many times when i havent known exactly where i stood with someone.

but, i am insane...

you're not insane, but you can't project your views on how you would deal with a situation onto someone else.

[Guest]

you're not insane, but you can't project your views on how you would deal with a situation onto someone else.

i know, thats why I am asking how others would handle it. we all tend to see things from how we'd like them to be, and i'm trying to take into account other's thoughts.

[WildChild]

What is it you want to have happen?

You tell a happily married man that you have the hots for him?
A) you get a gentle turn down and quietly distanced, no big deal.
B) being equally honest, he tells his wife - who is persumably a freind of yours also?
C) he's all over you?

If his marriage isn't as happy as it appears, what do you expect?
To have an affair with him?
He'll leave his wife - not because he loves you but because he has someplace to go?

Your thoughts about or feelings for him are not his business. Telling him is esentially trying to inject your feelings into his life. He isn't available.

This isn't about being honest or truthful, it's about having appropriate boundries.

Take a look at this kind of situation in general.
Lets look at an example. Do you tell strangers on the street that they really should ditch that vomit colored jacket, it doesn't do anything for them? Bet you don't. Why? That would be truthful. It's what you feel. Is it lying not to tell them how awful it is? No, because they didn't ask you or give any indication that they wanted to know you think. It's none of your business how they dress and your opinion is not their business.

Another scenario; you tell him how you feel, he tells you he loves his wife. His wife hears about it. She starts to wonder, seeds of doubt are planted. After all she'd want to know WHY would you say anything if he hadn't given some indication of interest? She starts to feel miserable - she thought they had a good marriage. He knows she isn't happy but doesn't know why. Eventually they talk, she wants to know what's between you. He says nothing, this woman just told me she wanted me, I don't know why. Even if they patch it up, there was no reason for it to happen.

Ask yourself what is the Real truth? Is it This man, you want or what he and his wife have? You want a man to treat you the way he treats her, to have the kind of relationship they have. But you aren't her and if you had him what you would had would be different. You can give them both the compliment that you wish you had what they do.

Look at what qualities this man has that attract you and go find a man who is available who has those qualities. Then you can create your own happiness.