[nubianqueen]

What do u do when ur s.o. will not let go of the past?? basically, what happened with me was that we got into a pretty serious argument (to the point that we broke up for a few months--and no, no one cheated on anyone). i came back multiple times to apologize, especially since it was mostly my fault. it seemed like he accepted and is ready to move forward, but everytime I think we're doing that, he goes back to what happened several months ago. I've apologized time and time again and even asked him if there's anything that i can do to make things right, but he can never give me a straight answer. I told him that i do not have the strength to keep going back and forth with this. If u truly forgive me, we can let bygones be bygones and move forward. If not, then maybe we need to part ways because I dont think its healthy for the relationship to keep going back and forth about the SAME THING over and over, especially since we are not accomplishing anything (execpt further arguing) in the process.

Also, there have been other issues too in the relationship and with this going on, i cant help but wonder if we can rekindle what we once had or is this the beginning of the end?? what do you guys think??

[Mes T]

Well sometimes I can hold a grudge against my boyfriend, and when that happens it's usually because I feel like the issue isn't really resolved. I feel like he doesn't fully understand why certain things upset me, and I don't fully believe that he could refrain from doing it again.

Have you tried apologizing by phrasing it like, "I know that doing _______ really upset you. I think it upset you because _________. And I did this in the first place because __________. I will do ________ and ________ to ensure that it doesn't happen again."

...??

[nubianqueen]

YES!! i have said all those things, over and over!!! I dont know what else to say now. i gave him my reasons for doing what i did in the first place, (yes i know there was no excuse but at least so he could see where i was coming from). he does say things like 'you just dont understand' and all those other things u mentioned that u would say to ur bf. ive told him that i do, and i truly do apologize for it all....i dont know.....i just get so tired of going back and forth with this....

[Mes T]

In one of my past relationships, there DID come a time when we were pretty much in the same boat, going back and forth with this one problem (which was my fault btw), so much so that it PUSHED me to do it again. And then eventually we did end up ending the relationship. So I can kinda understand your frustration..!

What are his reasons for constantly coming back to this?

[nubianqueen]

i guess it's because he says he would have never done to me what i did to him...and he's starting to have second thoughts about me and stuff now because i was capable of doing that.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

What ever you did, was something that has made him "not trust you"...

The reasons could have been for the way he made you feel at the time, but trust is really hard to re-build.

Tell him your temper got the better of you, or your desire and will to make him see clearly.

Tell him of all your past relationships and how that has never occured before, so that tells the story of who you really are.

And, then tell him your not apologising anymore because you know in your heart, that he's the one you want and that you love him.

CW

[nubianqueen]

thanks, CW!! It's amazing how much great advice I can get on this forum! you hit the nail right on the head when u said "whatever I did was something that made him not trust me". He said over and over that trust is something very fragile and once it's gone, its hard to get back. he said that he cant trust me like he used to because of this incident. I guess this relationship thing is so new to me because, while we have been together for a long time, this really is my first SERIOUS relationship that I've ever had. So trying to talk about past relationships will be very short, since there's not much to talk about, lol!! I guess I have to work on rebuilding his trust.....