[SweetP]

I am 28 years old. I began to date someone and we really are into eachother and we both are looking for "the one" We are done playing games and just want to be with one person long term.
Now Im a very open person and very honest. I recently had an abortion and went through a difficult time in my life. Im not sure if and when I should tell him that. I mean if we are talking about a possible future together, marriage, kids one day, doesnt he have the right to know?
Or should I just keep it to myself? Something that is way too personal to share. What would you do?..

[caterpillar79]

How long have you been dating? Did he start sharing his "dark" secrets too?

I would personally wait until the relationship is exclusive at some point.

[WildChild]

Don't think of it as a dark secret. You are an adult, you have life that you have lived and unless you've spent it hiding in a closet things have happened in it. You don't need to throw your entire life at someone right away, it isn't their business. As the relationship becomes deeper you should both share more. How you think about will affect how others perceive it.

[newhere808]

Honestly I beleive it's something that should be talked about at some point, but I would recommend not just throwing it out there. Do you know how he feels about the subject? The hard thing would be that it isn't exactly something to just throw out there, but it may be one of those things that if it comes up way down the line, he may be upsetted by it.

The way I look at it, if it's someone your willing to entertain having children with and growing old with, then it is something he should know at some point or another.

[Hopeless Dork]

He does not "have the right to know" unless it was his baby and it doesn't sound like it was. You are under no ethical or even moral obligation to discuss this with him , in my opinion. Unless you are carrying a conversation in which he reveals strong feelings about womens choices to have abortions its not a topic of conversation that you need to bring up. Especially not while its irrelevent.

If at some point you guys are serious enough to consider having children together it will be something you MIGHT want to discuss then... but right now? Whats the point.

I agree with WC... is he revealing deep secrets to you? If not... I don't understand why it would be heavy on your heart to tell him. I think its just heavy on your heart in general because its something you recently experienced... but honestly its none of his business anymore than it would be yours if a girl he dated in the past got pregnant and she had an abortion.

[sourpuss]

I agree with HD 100% (as usual) : )

But I would like to reiterate that an abortion is not something that you should ever feel is "a deep, dark, secret". While it is no one's business but yours, there also shouldn't be any guilt attached to it. If it's something that eventually you'd like to talk about, make sure it isn't because you have some feeling that you need to 'come clean' with him. He doesn't need to know, it's none of his business and you're under no obligation to disclose any information like that to anyone for any reason.

You wouldn't feel pressure to tell him you had a tooth pulled 3 years ago. You wouldn't feel you needed to let him know that you had a mole removed, or knee surgery, right? An abortion is a deeply personal matter, but it certainly doesn't hold more weight than any other medical procedure. (I'm sure I'll get flack for that one, but that's how I see it) You made a decision (that didn't involve him in any way) that was best for you at that time in your life. It has no bearing on your relationship now or your ability to have children in the future or the ability to love or be loved, so to me, it really isn't an issue that is anyone's business.

Out of curiosity, why do you feel like you have to tell him?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Your past is your past, what ever that was.

Your present is your present and future, should you so choose.

Sometimes, when you share your inner most thoughts of past, it comes up over and over to bite you in the bum and you did it so that they know everything about you, but then was it worth it?

He may not believe in them... He may not care.. But ultimately, everything that happened before he came into your life was your business not his.

If you ever breach the subject in the future about pregancy and thoughts, and you gage it doesn't matter, and YOU want to get it off your chest, go for it.

In the meantime, I would not take on the attitude of "he must know everything". Your not hiding anything from him at all.. He wasn't in your life at that point in time.

CW

[Guest]

I disagree. an abortion does hold more weight than having a mole removed. it can be a very emotional event, especially so if the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy werent the best. depending on how feel about what happened, it may or may not have an effect on you (and on him) in the future.

if you decide to discuss it with him, i would wait until the relationship is more exclusive. But i do not recommend that you wait until you two are engaged.

in our case, a lot of baggage came with the abortion before we got together. i am not sure the discussion would have gone so well if it had happened after we got engaged or married.

[LedZeppelin]

Its up to you really. If you are a very open individual then you will likely not mind telling him this. But like everyone else said it should wait until you are 100 percent positive you are doing the right thing. There really is not time frame for this just wait until you trust him fully

[newhere808]

I disagree. an abortion does hold more weight than having a mole removed. it can be a very emotional event, especially so if the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy werent the best. depending on how feel about what happened, it may or may not have an effect on you (and on him) in the future.

Pretty much my thoughts exactly. Even though I don't approve of abortions under normal circumstances, I do feel a womans body is her own, but that being said, abortion is a huge deal for a lot of people for a few different reasons, and it may be something that he could react badly to hearing about after the fact.

Like I said earlier, I would really just gauge it, if you are on a conversation about regrets or whatever seems suitable, and you feel comfortable revealing that to him, then I think you should at some point do so. In my opinion, a past abortion is as relevant as existing children as far as disclosure is concerned, but I realize not everyone will share that view.