[KMonte85]

So yet another friend issue! Sometimes I think being friends with my cat would eliminate 85% of the irritants in my life...

My bf and I are very close with another couple, we've been friends for nearly a decade, but they're starting to bug me about their money troubles...She went to college and has been unemployed, working odd jobs, for nearly 2 years. HeHe has a steady factory job that they live off of, subsidized by her monthly unemployment check.

Every time I hang out with them, they're main topic of interest is talking about how broke they are. How they would love to travel, or do this, or buy that, or go here - but they can't. Because they're broke and the bills keep racking up and they're getting further into debt. Any time I or my boyfriend talk about anything that costs money (even if its a minute amount), - the response is "Must be nice, wish we could do something like that. but we're broke."


Makes total sense! They're strapped for cash, so obviously it is a big concern and something that is forefront in their minds. So sure, they will want to talk about it to their friends, they want moral support, and they want to vent about the anxieties they feel when the bills show up and there's not enough money in the bank. That's scary, and totally legit! I get that!

Herein lies my problem. This couple has some of the WORST spending habits of anyone I know (and I know some spendy people....). They just bough matching blackberry phones that require a huge plan costing over $1000/year. When their truck's transmission blew, they had it replaced - but with a tranny meant for a 1/2ton diesel, which cost thousands more than if they replaced the standard tranny. They are on several different sports leagues that cost more than $20 a week EACH to participate in. They eat out almost every day. They have every household appliance in the book in their apartment, 2 outdoor grills, a smokehouse, 3 lawnmowers, a boat, a camper... Ok, you get the idea -the list goes on and on and on.

I studied finance, but anyone with common sense knows how stupid they're being. I know that if they lived within their means they would be FINE financially, be able to pay bills on time, get themselves out of debt, and get a well cushioned savings plan in order. So I get frustrated when they complain about being broke, and make jealous comments when I talk about things I do that cost money (like my kickboxing class, or my recent trip to Toledo).

I just want to shake them and make them see that they buy and spend so much more than they have! That the they're getting is worthless compared to the damage they are doing to their credit if they ever want to buy a home or send a future child to college...

I'm having trouble being a supportive friend. Do I say something to them about their habits? I don't want to be a financial advisor, although they need help, but they're not very receptive to these sorts of suggestions. I've hinted in the past, and they take it as criticism - I get a snippy response that in essence tells me i'm living the good life, don't understand, and need to mind my own beeswax. So then, I keep my mouth shut. But I still have to listen to the complaining about money problems, because that is what they want to talk about... How then should I tell them, tactfully, that I don't want to hear it because its self inflicted and they're not doing anything to change their circumstance?

I don't think it goes so far as not being friends with them anymore.. but I've got to do something because it is becoming a point of contention for me when we spend time together. I'm biting my tongue so much I'm afraid I'll bite it off pretty soon!

[KMonte85]

Wow I just realized how long this post is... my bad. Guess I had a lot to say

[pretzel]

Without going into alot of details,

"Hey guys, take a look at what you spend it on"

And when they respond, "Yeah, but we need this"

Say no more and change the conversation as quickly as you can. If they keep coming back, say that you have to go.

There's no easy out.

[rcoreyus]

A common and frustrating problem. I don't think there is anything you can do about it except maybe not talk about things involving money with them.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Friends can outgrow each other, move in different directions.

Friends actually accept that lending hand from a friend because that's what friends are for.

Pride gets in the way.

How about suggesting that your thinking about offering budgeting solutions to young couples, young people, as a side business and go into detail there, on how to save, spend less, view the best options, cheapest options as you see this as rewarding and put in, even "I" sometimes do it so it would be good for me too. Planning on asking the family to let me do theirs as a practise run of sorts.

See, if you can get them to offer theirs.

It could purely be pride of where you are now at, and how they don't really want to show things but if you put it in a different way, non-threatening sometimes that helps.

[Ashlee T.]

Frustrating...yes. No doubt. But....you can't truly "judge" their situation because you're not in it.....all you can do is choose to be a friend or to not be a friend. A true friend tells the truth but knows when to shush. Nobody that's spending irresponsibly wants to hear about all the things they bought that they shouldn't have. They know they shouldn't have. Unless they're dragging you down like the one friend was with her little remarks, then you must accept your friends and their lifestyle for what it is....IF you want them as friends.

People ALL over the world spend irresponsibly. The U.S. almost rewards it. Why is it when I go to the grocery I can get behind someone with a CART full of everything from steaks, seafood, to cigarettes, etc (most of which I couldn't afford on a regular basis), chatting on their smartphone and paying for their groceries with a welfare card? Because it's the country in which we live. And unfortunately, not everyone is as mature and responsible as some of us are.

Sounds like they may have a lot of growing up to do. But, as a friend, it's not your place to judge.....its your place to be a friend if being their friend is truly what you want.

[Guest]

Let them make their own mistakes. You can't do anything about it. If you want to say something to them make sure you say it in a way that is constructive. And not demeaning. People have different priorities... Maybe you should mention how much you saved up to buy a certain thing.. and that is really rewarding.

I use to spend my money haphazardly then I took a REAL good look at my parents. Maybe your friends need a reality check.

[KMonte85]

I think my best bet is probably just to ignore it and try to change the subject when they bring up either what new toy they just purchased or how they can't pay their electric bill, etc.

I'm sure they'll get mad that I'm shutting down the conversation and subject they want to talk about. But they refuse to listen to my comments, which just to note aren't said in a demeaning or belittling way. I try to be supportive when I get that "I just don't know what we're going to do - how are we going to get rent paid this month?" topic started. But its hard when they're weeping at being broke while wearing expensive clothes, talking on $300 smart phones.

Truly, I think they already know what they need to do. But they're stuck in habit so they choose not to make the changes needed. And they've squeaked by thus far, so they won't really get it until something bad happens, unfortunately.