[WhatcanIsay]

We do not fight much but when we have a conflict he shuts down. He does not want to communicate and wants to be alone. I of course want to talk it all out right there and feel rejected when he says I need time to cool down. He will talk to me later and we will then resolve but I don't like to wait. I think the issue is more with me, I feel impatient about getting to the bottom of it and he needs space. Help!!

[kygirl]

We do not fight much but when we have a conflict he shuts down. He does not want to communicate and wants to be alone. I of course want to talk it all out right there and feel rejected when he says I need time to cool down. He will talk to me later and we will then resolve but I don't like to wait. I think the issue is more with me, I feel impatient about getting to the bottom of it and he needs space. Help!!

I think you've already kind of answered your own question. Sometimes space is good. I'm not sure how much time you are talking, but if you talk it out and resolve it, that is what is important. I've learned that sometimes when I'm upset, I need time to think out exactly why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. It also can help to take time to make sure that nothing hurtful that cannot be taken back is said in the heat of the moment.

As long as you know it's going to be resolved, I think you should let him cool down before you talk.

[pretzel]

Many times we say things we don't really mean in the heat of an argument. Sometimes it's best to clear one's head and calm down before the issue can be rationally resolved.

That may not be the best approach all the time, just remember not to let the issue die without discussion.

[Hopeless Dork]

We might not always like the way our S.O reacts in a fight, and they might not like how we do... but as long as a person is not violent and verbally abusive... you kind of have to let them, and yourself, handle anger and being upset in the way that they want to.

Theres no right or wrong way to get mad, we just do it. Self-control is the only thing that can be demanded, not throwing things, hitting, or calling names.

But whether someone wants to sit and argue or flee for distance usually depends on their character, their past experiences and just what comes naturally.

I know when I am upset I want to fix it right then , right there, I want to talk til I am blue in the face, I want him to do the same and I want us to work it out and reach a resolution.

My boyfriend tends to be more introspective than that. He will shut down in a fight, he wants space and time to think about how he feels...then come back to it after doing so.

So we have different fighting styles. I can keep on and on but if he has decided he is going to shut down I am arguing with a wall and I am sure he has tuned me out and wonders why I won't just stop it.

He doesn't get mad that I choose to confront things head on, so I shouldn't be mad that he chooses to soak it in and talk about it calmly later.

His way makes more sense, actually... because I ALWAYS have a different perspective after I have had time to cool off.

[chaotic_mess]

Sounds about how arguments go with me and my S.O
And, I have no clue what it is, that's in me that feels the need to talk about everything right then and there... But it makes the argument worse. He basically shuts down. To me it feels like a huge slap in the face, bc it makes me feel like he's not concerned about it or the issue that's at hand isn't important him.

For me, its easier...even with family to talk about things up front and when it's on my mind, bc if i let things cool down chances are i'll be even more frustrated when I think of it again and try to bring it up. Cuz if he's still not in the mood to talk about it, I get upset.

He DOES eventually talk about things...but it has to be a little at a time. I also have to catch him when he's calm and content and then he's an open book

Like for instance if there's many things on my mind....I bring them up slowly and like one or two things at a time. He'll talk and then it's all good.
But I have to space it out all through like a week.
*shrugs* my S.O isn't used to talking about anything I guess, even when HE has something on his mind.
But it takes time and he always tells me eventually.
It's STILL frustrating, As i'm used to tackling things a different way I guess


That's the only tips I can give..and that's how arguments get handled here lol kinda goofy huh?

[Joey]

We do not fight much but when we have a conflict he shuts down. He does not want to communicate and wants to be alone. I of course want to talk it all out right there and feel rejected when he says I need time to cool down. He will talk to me later and we will then resolve but I don't like to wait. I think the issue is more with me, I feel impatient about getting to the bottom of it and he needs space. Help!!

My boyfriend once said that to me - the whole 'i think you need to cool off for a bit' and i was like...errr, i think i know what i want more then you kind of thing. (which obviously didnt help the situation in the slightest!) but luckily we wernt actually agruing about anything important - it was just over a friend.

Whenever i have something that i really want to discuss with my boyfriend, I always go through it in my head before i actually say it - and whilst doing so i seem to pull a face that lets my boyfriend know i want to say something - so lucky for me, he initiates first by asking 'whats on my mind.'

He can sometimes just sit their in silence when im ranting, and when ive finished just hum in acceptance - and that angers me more as sometimes it feels that he hasnt actually taken in my feelings. Hes a lot better now though.

[Stina]

We do not fight much but when we have a conflict he shuts down. He does not want to communicate and wants to be alone. I of course want to talk it all out right there and feel rejected when he says I need time to cool down. He will talk to me later and we will then resolve but I don't like to wait. I think the issue is more with me, I feel impatient about getting to the bottom of it and he needs space. Help!!

My boyfriend and I are actually the opposite of you and your boyfriend. Whenever we have a disagreement, I'm usually the one who goes silent and "shuts down." I can say, from my own experience, it's not because I want to ignore the issue. It just takes me a little while to organize my thoughts on whatever problem we're having. I tend to not want to shoot from the hip, because I don't want to act on pure emotion and say something I don't really mean.

Maybe you can propose a compromise. You can give him a few minutes to cool down and think about things whenever they get a little heated, but have him promise you that he won't let too much time pass before you both sit down and resolve the issue, so you're not giving each other the silent treatment all day.