[KMonte85]

A woman with OCD, suicidal thoughts, and a dependancy on prescription pain medications is not going to be concerned with her partner's desire for sweet gestures and gifts.

Not to say that you shouldn't feel hurt, of course you should. I think all the selfish behaviors she has displayed stems more from her disorders and mental stability than it does from her just flat-out being a selfish person and disrespecting you. She needs help, she needs to see her psychiatrist regularly and take the medications prescribed to her that help her control herself. It looks like she is on her way towards getting that help, and I think you would benefit from seeking therapy and perhaps joining a support group for family of people who suffer from the same disorders your wife does.

[lostinNJ]

Suicidal thoughts and drug addiction were new. Drug addiction just the last year. Suicidal thoughts as far as I know just very recent. Given that I just can't dismiss my mistreatment as part of her addiction. She is off narcotics and everything else bad now.

[KMonte85]

it isn't dismissing your mistreatment, it is trying to gain an understanding of why someone whom you love, who says they love you too, would treat you poorly. Getting to the root of the problem is by no means a dismissal of the hurt you feel, but if you don't get to the root, if you don't gain an understanding, the hurt will continue, and all the hard work you are putting in to keep your marriage intact will not do you any good.

Do some research into the behaviors of compulsive people, you will gain some real insight as to why someone like your wife would treat you the way she has. And you may find a way to get past your pain and start fresh, hopefully towards a bright and pleasant future...

[sourpuss]

Does she want to change her behavior? Does she see anything wrong with the spanding and lying or is it just entitlement on her end?

[WildChild]

I'm not entirely clear as to why you feel you've mistreated her. All you are noting is not holding her hand, withdrawing somewhat? Is there more to this?

[lostinNJ]

I'm not entirely clear as to why you feel you've mistreated her. All you are noting is not holding her hand, withdrawing somewhat? Is there more to this?

I am in no way shape or form saying I mistreated her rather the other way around.

She says she realizes how wrong she was and how much she hurt me and that she wants to change. I am however guarded, is that true or another lie just because her life would be easier with me there to do stuff and have more money supporting 1 household instead of 2.

[sourpuss]

Does she just want for you to support her financially or is there something that she thinks she's missing?

[pretzel]

I am in no way shape or form saying I mistreated her rather the other way around.

She says she realizes how wrong she was and how much she hurt me and that she wants to change. I am however guarded, is that true or another lie just because her life would be easier with me there to do stuff and have more money supporting 1 household instead of 2.

I think you need to let her actions answer that question. Things didn't go south overnite so I think it's a little much to expect things to go back to some semblence of normalcy overnite also.

Right now any little step in the direction opposite of where she was headed should in and of itself be seen as good and positive. But to expect all steps forward without any back I think is also a bit shortsighted.

[lostinNJ]

She will have financial support either way but if we are together she will have a lot more money. I am also talking about helping with the kids on a daily basis, cooking, grocery shopping...Those are the motives I question does she miss me or my $upport.

[WildChild]

I think you need to let her actions answer that question. Things didn't go south overnite so I think it's a little much to expect things to go back to some semblence of normalcy overnite also.

Right now any little step in the direction opposite of where she was headed should in and of itself be seen as good and positive. But to expect all steps forward without any back I think is also a bit shortsighted.

This is absolutely true. The counselor should be able to help with establishing reasonable expectations and benchmarks. If she is serious about wanting to save the marriage, there are things she has to do. Cutting back on the ridiculous spending would be one, properly monitored use of her meds would be another, removing alcohol from her life should also be a factor - anyone with her problems and on meds, should not be drinking - period.
Becoming responsible for what she says and does is important.
It sounds like she may have been fairly weak in these areas to begin with. You have to own resposibilty for the warning signs you ignored. You opened the door, married her, had children with her; many of us have done this. Looking back, the signs were there.
Now you have to be clear about what is and is not acceptable, while keeping compassion for what she will have to go through to correct this. A counselor should be a huge help with this.

It may be good for her to have something meaningful to do. At this point perhaps some vollunteer work in the community, get her out of herself a bit?