[pretzel]

I'm tending to agree with KM, there's something else in play that may be the root cause of this.

I'm of course assuming that this is a relatively new behavior issues.

[lostinNJ]

Wow, this is really disheartening. I find it amazing that you are still sticking in there. Like WC said is does sound pretty one sided.

People who have the kind of sense of entitlement that she has are hard people to get along with, not to mention the lies, disrespect and everything else.

The reason I stick in there is I don't like to see her suffer and think maybe she is telling the truth when she says "I love you and only you and can't picture myself with anyone else and want to be a better person for you and the kids" and is getting help and that some improvement has been made. I hope she doesn't want to remain married just for an easier life instead of separate ones.

I haven't yet mentioned the drug abuse, DUI or bad parenting. The drug abuse was only over the last year and doesn't explain much of what happened. She is no longer a threat to herself or the kids or I would have full custody of the kids right now even if it meant using FMLA.

The reason I was upset about her going to the lawyer is not that she went, but after her DUI she was still abusing prescription drugs and although getting in an accident with my youngest child in the car and promising to go to her primary care physician and discuss the problem and get weaned off she prioritized getting a ride from family - her only ride that week while her car was in body shop to go see a divorce attorney instead of getting the medical help she needed., She was still abusing narcotics at the time taking 2x the prescribed amount of several pills, washing it down with wine... She was in denial about the accident blaming lack of sleep. She jeopardized my youngest daughters life and refused to address the 800 lb gorilla in the room. Shame on her parents for driving her to the lawyer instead of the doctor

Her family vilifies me and in fact when our cell phone carrier had a nationwide outage assumed I was playing a nasty trick taking away all communication for my wife and kids. That's fine I don't need them, don't care what they think, don't care that the only reason she is off the narcotics is I forced to her or lose the kids and have supervised visitation only. It has been so difficult for me as I know her best and have had so much imperative information to pass along about the meds, about so much and couldn't get it to her family. Thankfully her sister understands, truly understands I had no choice and she talks to me and acts as a liason when I have critical information to pass along.

Again she is no longer a threat to herself or the kids and she is getting help. That's why there is some hope.

I try and live it 1 day at a time and say to her that as long as we are making progress and things are getting better not worse isn't it better to be separated than divorced? Doesn't it make sense to keep trying? I try and understand her feeling of despair being in limbo but I cannot go back to being the shell of the man I was just to make her happy. I have to know things will be better then see if I can get past all the hurt. I haven't closed the door on that.

[lostinNJ]

Has your wife gone to a doctor or psychiatrist to talk about her money squandering, compulsive lying, and other odd compulsive behavior? Or does her councellor talk to her about these issues? As WC said, this seems rather compulsive....

I can see how you are frustrated, this sounds like she may have a disorder that she needs help controlling than it sounds like she is blantantly trying to disrespect you.

I could be wrong, but from what you have written, her behavior seems odd...

Her behavior is odd and she has started to see a psychologist again but has been only sporadically keeping her appointments. Lately she has had feelings of doom. Early in February I spoke to her at 8:15 AM while I was at work and immediately took a livery cab home to help. She was having suicidal thoughts. I took the week off from work without blinking an eye and did everything I could to help out. I cannot feel like her life lays solely in my hands. She went to psychiatrist again and got back on some meds (non narcotics) to stabilize her. Things seemed better then last week she suddenly without warning checked herself into a psychiatric hospital. She says there are lots of women there who just need help coping after their husbands leave but I don't know what to make of it. At least she is getting the help she needs.

Unfortunately between that and my time off for surgery in February I cannot take any more time off in this economy and feel safe at my job. The kids are with her folks all week then I have them Friday 6:15P till Sunday 9p. It's very hard on me but it's what has to be done for now.

I know she has OCD and whatever other issues. Maybe once I feel confident the bad behavoir won't repeat itself I can start to heal from the hurt, but that's hard now.

I can't go back to bad, not even to OK. Things have to be good or have a strong prospect for being good. I want to walk through the door and be greeted with a hug and a kiss and feel appreciated, respected and loved.

[WildChild]

One concern I would have if you separated, is your kids well being. Aside from school they are with her all day. What might happen if you were there every evening and on weekends?

[lostinNJ]

My kids are the single most important thing in my life. Her parents have stepped up and are taking care of the kids during the week.

She was a bad parent allowing the kids to miss 20 and 30 days of school so far this year. This has gotten better but unfortunately the absences continue because of serious illness now (flu, fifth disease...) Both kids will likely have to go to summer school.

I am not fooling myself when I say I am not worried about her and the kids. She is not taking any narcotics and doesn't drink during the day anymore. She knows I can and will take full custody and put a nail in the coffin of our relationship if she slips or is a bad parent again and that keeps her motivated not to.

I miss them terribly but we video chat often and I see them all weekend.

[pretzel]

I'm of the opinion the "She says there are lots of women there who just need help coping after their husbands" may be a red herring. The important thing is that she's in the hospital where she can be fully evaluated and meds can be monitored and corrected. That, unfortunately, doesn't always happen when they are at home alone.

I give you the world of credit, not many would stand by and do all the right things for someone unless they feel it's worth it. You 2 have close to a 20 year history together. I don't think there's a person here who doesn't commend you on what you're doing for her.

[WildChild]

I agree with Pretzel, she needs to be fully evaluated and monitored, at least for a while. Something is driving this behavior.
What was she like when you first met?
Before you had kids?
5 years ago?

[lostinNJ]

I agree with Pretzel, she needs to be fully evaluated and monitored, at least for a while. Something is driving this behavior.
What was she like when you first met?
Before you had kids?
5 years ago?

I have long complained that she was selfish what she wants when she wants it.

There is a lot of damage and i am hurting it's hard to remember a better time, but I do remember once getting cards on occassions, maybe getting a gift that didn't seem like an obligation...

[WildChild]

How long ago was that?
Is there anything that might have precipitated a change? Something that took her from OK but maybe on the edge, to over the edge?

[pretzel]

I have long complained that she was selfish what she wants when she wants it.

There is a lot of damage and i am hurting it's hard to remember a better time, but I do remember once getting cards on occassions, maybe getting a gift that didn't seem like an obligation...

Lost, I think the bigger question is still unaddressed.