[Ashlee T.]

I say it only to my family, and have said it only to a man I was with for 5 years. It's not used lightly.

Since his test results (not even two weeks!) things have been much more lighthearted in our relationship. We're laughing a lot more and spending a bit more time together (although I still like my space. ). But last night, we're sitting on the couch and I'm being goofy and we're laughing and he says "I'm falling in love with you". My response *silence*........*whining like a child* "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo now that means I'm supposed to say it or you're going to get your feelings hurt but I don't want to say it!!!!!!!!". He said "no, you don't have to say it, I don't expect you to". Errrrrrrr............... lol. AWKWARD. I felt like a little snail that had finally started to emerge from it's shell only to be startled by a monster and dart back inside my comfy little shell home.

I can't stop thinking about it. As soon as the words came out of his mouth I knew it was going to bother me. I mean we've had problems lately (granted things have started to look up in the past week and a half but thats a very short period of time), incompatibility issues, and then it's only been like a week and a few days since he got negative test results (which was supposed to be our "starting over" point). I'm just not ready for him to feel that way, I guess cause I'm not ready to feel that way.

So I froze. Can't get it off my mind. Had bad dreams about it. And still thinking about it this morning. Yowza.........maybe I'm just too commitment phobic for a serious relationship. Maybe I'm just not cut out for it.

The L word. Errrrrr. Grrrrrr. Nooooooo!!!!!

[KMonte85]

Well at least he acknowledged how he was feeling for you, actually SHARING! That's a definite plus! And for him to say right off the bat that you don't need to feel pressure to say it too is also great.

Sure, its scary to hear, especially since you aren't there yet. But I think if you just take a deep breath, understand that you don't need to feel the pressure to be there yet with him, you will feel better. You've had a bumpy relationship with him, and you obviously take saying "love" very seriously, its only natural that you're not ready yet. How could you be?

He said it was okay that you're not there yet, now you have to allow yourself to feel okay that you aren't there yet. Give yourself the time to just enjoy this "starting over" time with him, don't pressure yourself, just live, and eventually you'll be more comfortable in your relationship and it may not be so scary.

[Hopeless Dork]

Did you feel this way about saying the L word to the man you were with for 5 years? Were you eager to say it then or were you as cautious, reluctant to say it then as you are now?

I'm wondering if its the saying the words that is hard for you , or if you just don't feel that into this guy as he does you?

I know not all relationships have to be firecrackers and walking in the clouds feelings... but it seems like in some of what you say about this guy, that you don't really have those types of feelings for him.

I was just curious if its just how you feel toward relationships in general, as in not letting yourself get carried away... or if its possible that this guys just doesn't quite inspire those feelings in you?

[Ashlee T.]

KMonte, you're right.....I just need to take a deep breath and try to go on about my business and let my feelings happen naturally and not let them be a result of pressure. I know he's not purposely pressuring me.....but it still feels like pressure.

HD - My ex fiance said it to me first. I'm not sure how long it would have taken me to say it. But yes, I felt it. However, I was barely 18 when I started dating my ex fiance. I was ready to hurry up with college so I could get out, marry him, move in where he lived right by his family, etc. But see, now I'm a woman, I work hard, I have my own house, my own car, my own life.........and it's taken a lot to get there....and I'm not the ever so willing 18 year old I once was.

I do not feel like I'm in love with him at this point. But if I felt like there was no hope of feeling it, I'd have already ended it. I care about him ALOT. I truly feel that only for the past week and a half have I been able to experience a "normal" relationship with him. But apparently, he feels it.....or at least thinks he does.

I guess I'm just not ready to feel it.....and therefore I'm not ready for anyone to feel it for me because then I feel pressured.

[rcoreyus]

"love" means different things to different people. Everything from "I want to get in your pants", to a perfect state of bliss that doesn't exist outside of romance stories. This makes it a very tricky word to use. Its use for family members as well as romantic partners just confuses things more.

I think the best you can do is to make your use of the word match what most people expect - I think to most people "love" means you care about the other person enough to put their needs ahead of yours, and you think you would like to stay with them forever.

[Hopeless Dork]

ahh that makes sense bd.

I've never said I love you to any guy prior to my boyfriend. I never wanted to, never felt it, never doodled it on a sneaker.

But with my boyfriend before I ever dreamt of saying the words ... I felt them and before he ever said the words to me I felt them.

One time after sex, I said I love you as a reflex, but only said it in my head. My mouth couldn't spit it out.

But more and more I had to FIGHT the urge to say it... its like I knew he knew how I felt but I was burdeoned by holding back saying it out loud.

Around the same time I was struggling with how he would take my words if I did say them.... would he say them back? would he feel a sense of expectation in those words as if now I'd want something different from him because of them?

But before I could worry myself any more silly about it he said it. He held me and he said it and it was the single best feeling I've ever had in my life. I said it back and I smothered him with kisses. I was finally free.

We were already committed to each other before we ever said I love you, nothing changed, I haven't given up my independence entirely and neither has he. We just gained one more way to express how we feel about each other in being able to say the words.

I doubt when your guy said it those words came lightly to him. There is almost a responsibility one feels when they say it, which is probably the reason you don't want to say it now, or yet rather... a responsibility to actually mean it. To not have it be just some random verbal spew, but for the words to have weight.

Its good that you don't say it if you don't mean. But I think you also might want to think on what those words actually mean. It seems you have associated them with losing a part of yourself and I don't think thats what happens. Loving someone, doesn't mean you have to become a dependent bore and lose every shred of what you've built on your own. Its not a submission of anything other than your heart.

Giving it to someone to do with it what they will. With hopes that they will cherish it, protect it and nourish it to be the thriving vibrant light in their care that it was under your own guard.

I believe when he says he didn't need to hear it back. When I wanted to say it to my boyfriend, I wasn't craving him to say it... I was craving to be honest and to share that my heart was filled with him. Him saying it was like finding a 20 dollar bill in an old jacket on a day you're broke and out of gas... it was magic

[happy ending]

hopeless dork, that was so beautiful i had actual tears in my eyes, and beautiful disaster he just wants you to know how he feels, but it does seem to be causing you pressure. his life expectation has changed drastically recently, just hang in there i guess. as the old song says "you cant hurry love"

[Ashlee T.]

Very true that the word has different meanings to different people. I do know that he doesn't use the word lightly either, which is I'm sure part of the reason it made me feel pressured for him to say it.

I had one friend say to me last month "if you can honestly say to yourself that you're not in love with him now, then you probably never will be.". Well.......I want to think that's not true. I don't think it's the same for everyone. I don't think the feeling is something that anyone can put a time limit on. Some might say "well if you don't feel it by now you never will".......well I say "if you feel it this soon, then I can't help but doubt that it's truly love". So I guess it can go both ways. And it is all in ones interpretation of what it is.

Nonetheless, I wasn't ready to hear it. For me it's too soon. For me it is pressure because it just increases the amount of hurt in inflict on this person if my feelings don't move in that direction. And I wanted to cover my ears when he said it and go "LALALALA CAN'T HEAR YOU!". lol. Nooo not ready, not ready for it. Is it our incompatibilities that make me not ready? Is it the block put on our relationship due to the genetic disease? Is it me, I'm just not the type to commit anymore? Who knows.

And HD, you're right, loving doesn't mean giving up all you have. But it's sort of a given that when you love, you're expected to marry (especially at my age), and then all you have and all you are become shared with that person. I have worked very hard for my independence, and I'm just not ready to give that up. Ideally, marriage wouldn't require that, but in reality, most the time it does, hence the 70% divorce rate the US holds.

We hold that title, partially because love is an action, yet we treat it as a word. We place more importance on hearing the word than we do on acting it.

I guess when he said "I'm falling in love with you", instantly I'm thinking "OH no, I am not feeling that same way, oh no I want him to be on the same page with me or else there will inevitably be drama at some point as a result, oh no he's going to be so hurt if I don't end up feeling the same way......" Yucky. And I had really been enjoying my time with him the past week and a half. He just had to throw a kink in the works........just like 4 months into the relationship when he said "oh yeah well my mom died from a fatal genetic disease and I have a 50% of having it and passing it on to my children". lol. Maybe he just likes to throw a kink in things.

Nonetheless, in my mind I'm still holding my ears "LALALA can't hear you!".

[happy ending]

i think you are not worried about him loving you or even you loving him, it seems to be more about the expectation of commitment. you seem to have really deep feelings for him or you would have walked away before, maybe your feelings are deeper than you want to admit? do you have concerns about marriage, committment, families etc, do other people expect these things from you? my fella is committment shy and i remember when he told me he loved me, he sadly he had to tell me something, then he told me he was in love with me, he said i tried not to but you are so lovely i couldnt help it. it was almost funny. love is not about tying yourself together for all eternity, love just is.

[Ashlee T.]

Happy Ending, yeah you're totally right. Unfortunately, society doesn't agree. Or at least where I live. Because I'm in my late 20's (and so is he) we're supposed to be looking for a mate, someone to marry and make babies with. If we fall in love with someone, it's a given that you will then marry, then you will start a family. Ironically, the divorce rate in this area is also extremely high. But regardless, it's societal pressure. BD and boyfriend sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes LOVE, second comes MARRIAGE, then comes BD with a BABY CARRIAGE!!!! You know that song I"m sure.....and it's a perfect example of how we are taught even at a young age, "this is what you're supposed to do".

Although I've told him from day 1 that I didn't know if I'd ever want to marry, and even though he said "me either", I know he wants marriage. So when he says he's falling in love with me, it scares me, because I know what comes next in his mind...and in societies mind. And it makes me want to hide.

Yes....commitment issues....big time. I just believe that when it's right, really really right, I won't have those issues.