[rennedeesse]

After 12 years of marriage to a wonderful man, we are considering an open marriage. I have asked for a separation because I find myself unfullfilled in our marriage and feel that I just want to be free to find out what else is out there. After a lot of heartwrenching conversations, and going to a therapist my husband has asked me to try an open marriage. He feels that this will give me some of the freedom I am looking for without dissolving our marriage which works on many other levels. I should mention that I did have an affair and the guilt and sadness really affected me at home and work. He feels that if we try this it may be what I need to help keep me happy at home. I want to know... am I crazy? I know it won't fix the problems in our marriage but will it take this one big thing off the table and free us to work on the other things? That is our goal. As of right now I think I am ok with him being with someone else though he expresses no desire to. It is such an unknown. I am usually much more eloquent but really I have no words for my situation. I do like the idea of freely being able to pursue other avenues of gratification, but I truly don't desire to hurt my husband. In some ways divorce is preferable to me because then I am legitimately free, but we have two beautiful young girls who love and adore their father. I am lost on this. It is having my cake and eating it too, but can it work without causing irreparable damage to the amazing friendship I have with my spouse?

[Hopeless Dork]

He seems so willing to work with you to make you happy... is there some reason he is unable to fullfill your sexual needs? Is it just that you desire other men or is it that he isn't providing the kind of sex that you need to feel satisfied?

Seems if he's willing to let you see other other men in order to stay married to you that he might be willing to work on taking care of your physical needs so that you don't need other men?

If he's agreeing to an open marriage for the sole reason of just not wanting to lose you, if he is genuinly not interested in such an arrangement but is going along to hope you'll stay, eventually the situation would probably cause him a great deal of pain.

With your affair that you had, do you think it gave you what you were missing or were you still left wanting?

[rcoreyus]

Well if you are considering leaving anyway, I don't see how an open marriage could hurt. I guess it depends on what the problem is: is he unwilling or is he physically unable to give you what you want.

[natu88]

He is so in love with you that he is willing to let you see other guys to still be married to you. It'll only end up hurting him more though. Do him a favor, and be merciful to his love. End it now. It'll be painful, but you'll be saving him a lot of pain than having him see you and knowing you are seeing other guys and don't really want to be in a committed marriage.

[maverick]

Marriage is a give and take deal. There always has to be a giver and there always has to be a taker. It does not need to be 50/50, but there needs to be some give & take on both sides. From what you have written, you are the taker. You want it all: husband, family, and boyfriend(s). Do you remember a vow that you likely made 12 years ago? Something to the effect of "to forsake all others"? I'm sorry, but I don't believe in open marriages and it appears that your husband has only agreed to one because he loves you so much and does not want you to leave. That's a huge amount of give on his part. I think you seriously need to examine why you are not finding gratification in your marriage. If you are trying to overcome the guilt of your affair, switching to an open marriage will not erase the fact that you cheated on him in a "closed" marriage. You need to put the affair behind you along with the guilt & remorse. God will forgive you and from what you have written, I bet your husband will too. Given that, you only have to forgive yourself and work on what is missing from your marriage. As willing as your husband sounds, that should be quite possible. Good luck.

[kygirl]

I agree with Maverick. I'd really work on forgiving yourself and then consider the open marriage if that is still what you want. I mean, he obviously loves you and is willing to try so maybe you should forgive yourself and see if you can make this work as well.

[rennedeesse]

Thank you all so much for your responses... Natu88 with what you said, I want the divorce because of that... my trepidation on entering to the open marriage is that I know though he says he can handle it, it will hurt him. This was actually his idea not mine and my initial answer was no. But because he is so desperate for me to stay and I am finding myself increasingly desperate to leave I am considering it. Maverick you have a lot of good points. I know I agreed to forsake all others and in truth I thought that his love for me was so strong it would be enough for both of us. I had no idea what the effects of time and losing my own identity in the process would have. I feel like I have been shut in a closet for the past 14 years (how long we've been together) and have finally found the key to unlock the door. My husband is a wonderful man in so many ways. I know there are many women out there who long to have a man love them as completely as he loves me. I have tried to stress to him that he deserves someone who can love him the same way. I suffer from low self esteem issues and I worry that I define so much of my self worth on being sexually desired. This is something I am exploring with my therapist. Surprisingly, though I don't feel marital love for my husband at this time... our sex life is pretty normal and good. We please each other... it's easy and comfortable and pleasurable I say like pancakes and the new york times on a Sunday morning, it feels warm and cozy. I am so conflicted. My affair did not fulfill my emotional needs and that was why I ended it. The guilt didn't feel worth the gratification. I don't know if I can forgive myself, that is something that I will also work on in therapy. Again it was really great to read your responses I look forward to hearing what your further thoughts are.

[LanaBear]

Why did you lose your identity though? Why do you feel you've been shut in a closet for 14 years?

Does you hubby not desire you sexually? If you feel your self worth is based on being sexually desired, I'm assuming he doesn't desire you because if he did, then, would your self worth be so low?

I guess I'm a little confused because you say you have it all with your husband, your affair left you unfulfilled... So what exactly are you looking for? Do you think the grass is going to be greener on the other side? If you have these issues in a stable relationship, do you not think you will have the same issues when you are not in one?

[blackwidow_bites24]

love yourself!!

Have you tried key parties, or swinging, or anything of the sort? I know a good friend of mine who has a open relationship and they are in love as much as anyone could be. What do you think it is you are lacking besides self esteem in your relationship. I don't have a very high self esteem I am a bigger girl and it does seem the more I lose weight the better I feel the happier I am with my self and with my partner. The saying is very very true "if you can not love yourself you can never love another" and until you truly love you for you it won't matter who you are with you will never be happy. So maybe instead of trying new fellas you should just focus on you, not anyone elses needs, besides your kids because kids come first. Do things for you finda hobby, go out once a week with the girls, join curves or a gym of some sort, make yourself love yourself and you will see how fast your feelings change on life and your husband.

[Ashlee T.]

So you'd have your "freedom" to go out with other guys to sleep with other guys,etc but you'd have your husband to come home to, so effectively you'd never truly be alone and you'd have someone for everything right? Sounds dreamy...too good to be true. Why? Because it is.

So what is holding you down? Okay, so you have this husband. But what else? Or is it just your husband that's taking the blame for your own inner issues? You feel trapped?

Tell me.....if life was perfect and exactly how you wanted it, how would it be? Describe your ideal life.