[heartbrkn]

A month ago I had my phone off and when I turned it on, I had two odd messages, apparently someones pocket dialed me. Heard a womans voice on it and thought nothing of it until I checked my bfs cell. It was him who had dialed, and in addition, I found all of these numbers for escort services, random women and most recently a live phone/web sex video chat thing. I am devastated. We have been together three years, living together the past year, and in that past year he has not want to have sex and now I think I know why. Everything I would ask him about it he would say everything is fine and every time I would initiate he would reject me. It was not like this before we moved in together. I confronted him on the escort numbers and he said he doesn't know how they got in his phone and he would never do something like that. I almost convinced myself that maybe he was right until I found the web sex chat numbers dialed and account today. . I am having such a hard time believing this could happen to me, how he has pulled the wool over my eyes. How devastated I am that up to 2 months ago I thought this was the man I was going to marry and have a family with. Am I ever going to be able to trust again and why does this happen and he thought this was not wrong?

[Hopeless Dork]

I don't know how you lasted a year of him rejecting sex from you. That had to be so hurtful, all the feelings of rejection.

Did you talk to him about how the lack of intimacy made you feel? Did he make any effort to change that?

He has an obvious interest in sexual activity, but doesn't seem interested in sharing that with you. He is either selfish, has some sort of psycho-sexual disorder, or just isn't as into the relationship as you are.

How is he outside of sex? Is he affectionate? Does he make you feel special and loved in other ways?

All of that you will have to factor in to whether or not you are willing to try to work this out with him. If he is an amazing man outside of sexually perhaps things can be worked out... but not if he's unwilling to work with you.

You deserve to feel desired and wanted and to have your sexual wants addressed. It seems he's addressing his own without you, and has little concern for making sure you are happy.

I know your heart is broken with this new discovery... but after a year of feeling rejected I'm sure there was some fear somewhere that something was off. Its really not natural for a guy to just stop wanting sex unless he has a medical condition. He'd at the very least need to be masturbating to keep all his pipes flowing etc.

I suggest taking a good hard look at everything he is bringing to the table to make you feel cherished, appreciated and loved.

Ask yourself what it is about him that you love, is it only memories of how he use to be? The man there with you today, the way he treats you. If he had acted like this from day one would you have fallen for him?

If the answer is no, you might have to take a look at the reality of the situation and evaluate what you have in front of you. Not the man he used to be, not the man you wish he was or hope he'll become... but instead, the man he is, the way he treats you here and now and ask yourself if its what you really want, need for your life.

[heartbrkn]

Thank you for your reply. Yes, time and time again I told him how rejected I have felt and I need him to communicate what is going on. I told him I didnt care if it was mental or physical, I was willing to work through it with him. He remains silent, each time hoping the issue will just go away. He was the one that asked me to move in with him and a few weeks ago he was going to look at rings (I found that out by surprise, but then told him not to) We have had a little of a bumpy relationship, he will be incredibly affectionate and do nice things for me (threw me a surprise 30th bday and flew my family in), but at the same time he will totally close me off and never talk to me anything that isnt surface level. He was adopted when a baby, the family that adopted him is very nice but also not so warm and deep and I always used that as a way of explaining how he acts.

No - he isnt the man he first was when we started dating 3 years ago, but at the same time I assumed that was the wooing part. I am incredibly patient person, but I was reaching my wits end with the no sex and communication, and then the escorts and web sex has put me over the edge and I feel I have no other option.

I just hurts so much b/c I worked so hard for this relationship to work, my family and friends all took him in and loved him and made him feel as much part of the family as if he was blood. I know this is not what I want in life, but why does it have to be so hard? I have been nothing but loyal and loved him unconditionally. I am a good person and just having a really hard time dealing that someone could do such a horrible thing to me....

[cuff]

The calling has to be approached before going any further in that relationship. He needs to come clean and admit to what he has been doing and why he's doing it. You sound like you have proof and he needs to admit to it. If he's doing all that you've said, that's cheating. He's disrespecting and lying to you. No one deserves that.

[Ashlee T.]

Regardless of anything else, there's absolutely no excuse for his actions behind your back. First and foremost, he's hiding things from you....and then when caught he will bold face lie about it even though he KNOWS you saw it with your own eyes. Then, he's somehow charismatic enough to have you almost convinced you didn't see what you thought you saw.....even though you KNOW you did.

You thought he was the one, and that you'd never have to start over again. I know that's hurtful. But my guess is that if you stay in this, he's going to hurt you way worse than this. My cousin dated a guy for 5 years....to in the end find out he was cheating with multiple women, and doing other very very uncharacteristic things. She was 30 and thought her chances of marriage and happiness were shot. She's now 33, and she's been married to her soul mate for a year. 3 years ago she thought it was over for her. But within a year of freeing herself from the poisonous man she was with, she met the absolute man of her dreams and her soul mate. So please know that if you walk away, it's not over for you.

[Joy]

This is hard but you are fine - he has the issues - you are passionate, loving, loyal, and committed - you are fine.... he needs help not you. You are hurt right now but you will recover and move on to greater life experiences. Go get yourself checked for STI's tell him to forget about the ring and have a nice life.

[Guest]

All I can say is...GET OUT Now.. while you still can! The same type of thing happened to me, but I was married. When we were dating, I never thought he would ever hit me, cheat on me, etc. He had numerous girls phone numbers in his cell, dating sites, escorts, Never wanted sex. We had sex maybe once a year (if it was a good year).

He didn't have a girlfriend per se, just this !- visiting porn web sites, I even found all kinds of weird stuff around the house- fruits, veggies

It only gets worse once you get married and kids get into the picture===I mean WAY WORSE. Please listen to us older people -I am 40- you need to get away from him for your own good and your future. Even if you are alone, it is better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Guest]

well if he hasnt touched you in a year, none of the rest really matters. that alone is a HUGE sign.

cut the rope and move on...

[stressed]

It sounds like he wants a roommate, not a wife. He wants to do "what is the right thing to do", (i.e. get the rings - start a family etc.) but doesn't see you as a sexual partner. He may have issues, but lying won't lead him anywhere. Convincing you that hard that you don't know what you saw, is disrespectful and humiliating coming from the man who claims he wants to marry you. He expects it to go away by itself, that you will forget. The first step of solving a problem is admitting there is a problem. But he doesn't admit it, he lies, which shows he will probably do it again.

Be careful.

[heartbrkn]

Thank you all soo much for your advice. I confronted him again last week after telling him that I went to look at an apartment. He finally agreed to show me his phone records and a lot of it doesnt make sense but I am still not 100% convinced. He also admitted to not being as open with me as he needs to be with the sex issues and there are a couple things he does need to speak with me with. I feel it is all much too late though and anything he does going forward I find myself questioning. I am just having a very hard time that after 3 years it has come to this and I thought I knew the man I loved. Why do men do these things?