[ragnarok824]

Hey, I've been dealing with a real problem for about a year now. Its become so layered that I'm not even sure where to start but I'll do my best to make it as clear as possible (and not sound too bitter in the process).

I've been dating my girlfriend for roughly 3 years now. I was living in Sacramento with room mates and she was in San Fran. As multiple posters have said, in the beginning the sex was great, multiple times a day ... I could truly open up to her, ya know? Well, one day my roomies decide to return to their parents' houses in Washington, stranding me in a state with a collapsing economy and an equally opportunistic job market. My girlfriend, being pregnant with my child (the miracle known as Jason ^_^)at the time saves me from the indignity of moving back home to live with her and her family. She's 27 ... and still living at home. I'll get to that later.

Anyway, I move in and discover her family are complete slobs. Stuff everywhere, kitchen's always a mess ... just packrats with 6 cats in the garage. I had no idea she lived like this because she was always so clean whenever she came to stay with me. -_- always thought it was suspicious I never saw her place ... it was always hotel rooms when I came out to see her.

Moving on, from the day I moved in, intimacy and sex were cut off. We dont even kiss more than the half-second peck on the lips I virtually beg for before she leaves for work in the morning. The problem is ... she gives those same pecks to her brothers and mother as part of her customary family greeting. I can understand why she might not feel intimate with her family around, but I'm a very touchy-feely kind of guy ... I need that in order to feel like its a relationship. Also, the state of their house aside, her family and I are simply not compatible. Different senses of humor and the way they run things is polar-opposite to how I was raised. So there's tension between myself and them.

Then Jason was born ... and that small amount of sex I was getting disappeared. Now I'm competing with the presence of her family close-by and the sleeping baby whose crib is 2ft away from our bed. We 'have' sex, by strict definition of the word ... but its always unsatisfying in a sense that we can't make any noise (which symbolizes a complete lack of passion to me) and we can't be spontaneous with it ... its ninja-sex, as I've dubbed it ... and I can't take it anymore. I can't get her to be intimate through any means. I massage her, take her on dates, take on a load of her family's (disgusting) chores without complaint ... but I get denied at every attempt. She doesn't even take care of herself anymore. I watch our son all day, work all weekend, go to class sparingly during the week and help with her mother's rent. The least I need to feel is that we're still a couple, you know? But I'm terrified things have just gotten too awkward between us because we've lived with her family for so long.

My girlfriend has no interest in moving out and instead spent the money we'd saved up to get our own place on a trip to Europe to visit a sick Aunt of hers. And now, whenever I see anything spontaneously sexual in movies (as they often depict in Hollywood) instead of getting excited ... I cringe deep down because I know its something I truly want ... but can't have with my girlfriend.

It feels like we're just two friends with a baby... this isn't healthy for a 23yr old's relationship. And the worst part is denying multiple advances from women at work who clearly take pride in their appearance and seem genuinely interested in me.

Sigh ... this wouldn't be a complicated issue at all if my 1yr old son Jason wasn't a factor ... but at this point I just don't know what to do.

I'm truly sorry if all that came out as a rant ... and I'm not even sure if I properly explained anything at all. I just needed it off my chest somewhere 'cause I have nobody to talk to about it here. Well, that's a lie ... my family and friends all say I should leave her but ...

If anyone out there can pick through my spiel and can try to grasp my situation ... any advice would be appreciated. I'm desperate and I'm suffocating. I love her so much but I can't suffer through this anymore ... I lose too much of myself doing so.

So my question is ... is it too late to salvage this? Is it even worth the effort? She says she loves me and I believe her ... but are our aspirations too different to make it work?

[WildChild]

Sounds like the two of you really need to get your own place before you can start to sort this out. Any chance of that? Do you want your child raised in this environment?Thinking this is how people should live?

[ragnarok824]

Unfortunately, she's very, very close to her family (agonizingly close if you ask me) and feels it'd be too hard to live on her own with me and a baby. No, I've expressed to her multiple times that it kills me to see our son raised in this kind of environment ... that he may grow up thinking this behavior is okay ... but she doesn't see a problem with it. Again, she was raised in this environment ... this is normal for her.
I'd like nothing more than to move out so we can start growing as a couple ... but I don't feel its on her priority list. And as California is right now (and seeing as how Redwood City is the 3rd most expensive place to live in the state) we'd have to move as far as Sacramento to get an affordable place.

Above anything else I want to be a good partner and a good father ... I'm just not sure how to do that when none of my needs are being met.

[Hopeless Dork]

I completely understand your frustration. The biggest thing you guys need to do is move out of her family home and into your own place. Even a little studio apartment would afford you more privacy and let you guys just take care of yourself and not her entire family.

Please don't look at the mirages of women at work and compare them to the mother of your baby. Take any one of those girls out of her heels and put her in the same living situation as you and your girlfriend with a tiny baby in tow and you'd get the same results.

If she use to care more about her looks and isn't any more it could be an indicator that she is depressed, stressed out and just as unhappy with the state of your living situation as you are.

It doesn't sound like things can improve that much until you guys get out on your own so that should really be your first area of focus. It will take so much unecessary pressure out of your relationship and allow you guys to blossum as a couple and family on your own.

[ragnarok824]

Thank you, HD, for your post. And dont worry, I dont look at the girls at work in any serious light. I'm too loyal for that haha (though in this situation its kinda hurting me). My son is the world to me ... and he's why I'm pushing myself so hard in school and work. The real issue here is why my girlfriend is so reluctant to leave her mother's house. At 27yrs of age, it seemed strange to me she's never had that taste of freedom. It would be a god-send now though, for that added privacy to improve upon our sex-lives and to have a stable growing environment for our child.

We'd have to move hours away from her family if we wanted anything affordable though and its the distance from family that frightens her the most.

Again, thank you both for your replies. Feels good to be able to talk to someone about all this ><

[Hopeless Dork]

It really is good to get things off your chest and be heard in a safe setting, thats why most of us are here.

I'm glad that you are loyal and respect your girlfriend, despite this rough patch, and hopefully that is all this is.

A lot of women , post-baby, can flip into a whole different mode... some feel less sexual because they are mom, some suffer some self esteem issues about their post baby bodies and then add in a noisy messy house and family, lack of privacy, financial stressers and soon thats just a pressure cooker for killing a sex drive.

If you want her to care more about her appearance... remind her how beautiful she is. Sometimes when a woman can't see that in herself, she'll give up trying... "whats the point of combing my hair... i look like a cow anyway" and it just goes all down hill from there.

Making her feel sexy and attractive might put the spring in her step needed to take those extra steps that will make her feel better about herself.

Put thoughts in her mind of how positive being on your own together will be. She's likely only focusing on the negetive aspects, being far from family etc... keep giving her good thoughts to think about how nice it will be when you don't have to pick up after other people, when your little one can have his own room and grow up in a more traditional setting... etc.

Keep everything positive. Not ughhh don't you want to get away from this mess?? But more... it'll be so nice when we only have to pick up after each other. Just putting a spin to keep the focus on the good and not the bad.

[Ashlee T.]

You're right, you definitely need your privacy, you need to be able to grow as a couple and raise your children how you see fit. But please, don't make it about sex. Obviously she wants to have sex with you, because it sounds like that's happening, but given the situation it just can't happen like you want it to happen. When I read your post, the real issues have ZERO to do with sex, and EVERYTHING to do with your compatibility, your hopes and dreams, your friendship.

I'm not sure I could stand to live in that situation. And I'd have to take it upon myself to get a place of my own with or without her. But before I did that, I'd be SURE to communicate with her of how great you think it would be, be positive about it, happy about it.

Does she work? Is she afraid you two can't make it on your own?

It will come to the point where you will have to make a choice, are you willing to live your life that way?? She needs to understand how crucial this is to your alls relationship and to your sons life. But NOT about sex. About bonding, about connection, about growing, independence, respect, friendship, parenting, etc.

[jns]

People come from all different types of backgrounds in CA. It sounds as if you should have insisted on meeting her family before starting a family of your own. Maybe you could have seen the possibilities and dealt with them before the current situation. Water under the bridge as of now. You definitely need a place of your own, for yourself, your gf and your child. If you can, you need to move completely away from the area, to gain independence. Your gf is, herself, reasonably fastidious, but reverts to being like her family when she is around them. I think that you are worried that the reversion is permanent. All the more reason to get away. I take it from your name that you are into Ragnarok, the Korean role playing game. Or is it from Norse mythology?

[JadedQueen]

Sounds like you guys need your own place, if she won't go for it then you move out on your own and if you choose continue to see each other. Maybe some privacy in a place of your own will really help matters.

[Ahryin]

Ok i'm going to apologize now because what i'm going to say may be taken as harsh when I never intend it to be. I've been a member of this site for a long time and anyone will tell you I don't hold my tongue...so here it goes......

GROW UP!

You are a man now, regardless if you want to be...YOU ARE! You have a child to raise, not his grandparents...YOU. Some times you have to make hard decisions and trudge thorugh the dark to get to the light, you are miserable...and can not live like that. For one, do you honestly think its going to get better? You son is going to get older, he is going to need more room, more things and can you imagine those things in the one room you three are living in. Also the way you are raising him is NOT healthy. He is being taught that is is ok to be a slob. Don't get me wrong we all have our moments but at the end of the week it needs to be picked up!!!! Her parents should be ashamed of themselves and somebody somewhere needs to call the ASPC or what ever you call them in Cali. She doesn't want to move because that would be to much responsibility for her, she has been sheltered and is possibly depressed and scared. Its up to you to be strong....strong enough to carry the weight of your family...which is your son and his mother. If you stay you risk cheating...is that what you want?
I would work more...you are not supposed to be a babysitter but a provider. As a man your job is to protect, provide and educate! Save money without telling her, I say this because if you tell her she is going to find a way to spend it. Look for the most affordable spot you can find, even if its a studio..because guess what...right now you three are living in a 1 bedroom! Your mind needs to be set to war and peace, in other words sometimes you can only create peace through war! Make your moves, make them quickly save your family.
I'm sorry to also report that she may not be the one...many times people fall in love with the representative...you met the representative and now you are living with the real mckoy. Your number one priority is your son! Never forget that! You need to be at peace with yourself before you can bring peace to anyone else. She knew where she was living was a pigsty or she would have taken you there before. by the way LOL Ninja sex