[stressed]

Maybe I do need to tone it down a bit,

I still stand behind my original point though.

Yeah, she shouldn't have allowed herself to get into the situation in the first place. Regardless, that's a different issue and I think we both agree on that. But I won't budge on the issue that once she said to stop, it doesn't matter, he didn't, he crossed that line.

I have no idea how carebear is going to handle this. Right now with the thread as new as it is, I doubt she even knows how to handle this.

We do agree that he crossed the line, there is no doubt about it and it doesn't matter that he was her friend's fiance, it could have been her husband or her boyfriend, it would still be inhuman of him to do.

It's just that when it comes to the word "assault" it depends on who's asking (i.e. the law, her friend, us etc.).

Carebear has to give it a few days, to recover from the shock (because she must still be in shock), see it from all angles, answer a number of questions to herself, stay as calm as she possibly can, and then make the decision of either telling her friend or not. I would tell my friend, but then again, nobody knows what's going on in others' relationships. I find it very odd that he made such a move when he's getting married to a very good friend of hers. If it was a habit of his he'd probably not risk involving her, but he could have had a crush on her and wanted to do this before he got married, or thought it was what she wanted too (none of this justifies his behaviour though).

Reading the initial post again, I see that he was a close friend she liked a lot, which may complicate the situation. I also notice that she's worried about her friend finding out and if she's going to hate her forever. She wants to confront him, so she must feel very angry towards him. I sense that she is being passive again (I don't mean to offend Carebear at all, I'm only trying to help) and she's between either telling her friend and confronting the guy, or saying nothing and keeping it all to herself.

If she won't do something about this, deal with it in some way, tell someone, express her anger and shock, this can get worse. She might start feeling guilty, used, that she is letting her friend marrying such a person. I think she has to tell him how she feels about it, confront him. If not the friend, then definitely him. And if for nothing else, at least to let it all out, to stand up for herself and prove to herself that she can deal with such animals. I think that if she does that she will feel more confident and stronger, regardless of what's going to happen with her friend.

[pretzel]

Well said.

[stressed]

When it happened to me I wanted to tell his wife. I wanted to leave her a note, so she would know what kind of guy she was married to. Friends of mine wanted to wait for him outside his place to give him a beating. Others wanted to call his home and tell his wife. My boyfriend was just in shock, didn't know how to react, but he supported me. Going to the police right away I think it was what helped us all the most. They had a talk with him, everybody learnt about it at school, and we left it at that. Probably nothing happened to him, his wife probably never found out, be he did get scared and we felt like we at least did the best possible thing we could do. I think it's somewhat rewarding for the victim to let such an animal know that what they did was disgusting. Be it directly or indirectly.

[heryseshta]

This post actually helps me. I had a similar situation, except my boyfriend was the one who did it. I told him I didn't have time and it was too soon...Well he said he wanted me and started to take off my clothes. I just thought that I would let him get it over with and then go home. It hurt, I told him but he kept going. I didn't fight overly hard because I am just too submissive with some guys. My friends say that it is rape, but I don't think the law would think it is. I know it's hard to cope with, if you need someone to talk to you can pm me.

[Carebear2010]

When it happened to me I wanted to tell his wife. I wanted to leave her a note, so she would know what kind of guy she was married to. Friends of mine wanted to wait for him outside his place to give him a beating. Others wanted to call his home and tell his wife. My boyfriend was just in shock, didn't know how to react, but he supported me. Going to the police right away I think it was what helped us all the most. They had a talk with him, everybody learnt about it at school, and we left it at that. Probably nothing happened to him, his wife probably never found out, be he did get scared and we felt like we at least did the best possible thing we could do. I think it's somewhat rewarding for the victim to let such an animal know that what they did was disgusting. Be it directly or indirectly.

Did you have to show any evidence to the police? That sounds like a good idea I'll look into.

[rcoreyus]

I generally agree with Stressed's take on this.

I don't think he did anything illegal until he didn't stop when she said so. He was taking advantage of her - but not at a level I'd call assault until then.

Then the question is the situation and the nature of the "stop it hurts". I think that when you are actively having sex, a "stop" needs to be VERY clear - people don't think very clearly under these circumstances. "stop that hurts" could be interpreted as a request to do things slightly differently. I think a loud repeated "STOP STOP STOP" is needed. (assuming there is no physical threat).

I think this is a very bad guy - but unless the "stop" was clear (maybe it was), I don't think it counts as assault. That doesn't make it any less traumatic, and the original poster has my sympathy.

It is possible to feel raped even when no legal rape occurred: I remember a story (second hand) from a woman who visited some friends, and as various people left, found herself alone in a room with a very large muscular black man. From whatever biases she had, she was terrified of him. When he started to undress here, she was too frightened to even ask him to stop - despite his not having said or done anything overtly threatening. He had sex with her - and it was against her will - but she hadn't made that will clear.

[Yvee]

HOnestly, if I were your best friend (his fiance) I would want to know. If he has done it ones he will probably do it agian, and I don't want to be responsible for not telling my best friend that she is making a big mistake. Yes it will break her heart and she may be mad at you for a while, but I think it would be selfish if you didn't let her know what she was getting herself into.

[stressed]

Did you have to show any evidence to the police? That sounds like a good idea I'll look into.

The guy had made a bite mark on my breast (thankfully, it was above the nipple, my fiance was furious when he saw it) and I showed that to the police. I also took a photo of it with my cell phone before we went there, in case it would be needed (always take photos of marks somebody has made on you as soon as possible). Apart from that I just told them what happened exactly and they were VERY understanding (it was a male officer). I just gave them the exact times, who he was, where it happened, where he lived, why I went there, that I thought he was just a friend inviting me over, that he was married and so on.

It felt really good, even if the officer said that there were slim chances for something happening to him since it took place in his apartment and I agreed to go. They do contact the guy, so even if they just send you a letter months later saying "we dropped the case due to lack of evidence and witnesses" you know he got scared at least. He even called me once or twice saying "I don't want any trouble, it's not what I wanted, I'm sorry" etc. but I just changed number.

[stressed]

And what's common with such animals is that afterwards, even if you manage to get away from it, they tend to say "I thought it was what you wanted, didn't you get where it was heading to?", so in other words, they even have the nerve to call you an idiot, so be prepared for that.

Why I managed to get away was that I turned the whole situation into a joke, by jokingly ridiculing whatever he was doing and laughing at him, since pushing him back had no result, which put him off greatly (up to the point he got annoyed. I was like "what are you doing, we are friends, don't be so stupid, we go to the same class together, this is ridiculous"). There were moments I thought I had no chance of getting away, as he was much stronger than me and pushed me back every time and didn't stop kissing, or lifting my clothes, or falling on top of me and such. I also thought that if I would just get up to leave or get mad at him and slap him he might like that even more or become even more aggressive.

He had been trying for a whole hour, gave me drinks (but he didn't know I'm quite tolerant to alcohol. The idiot wanted to get me drunk as well). Whenever I said "I really have to go now" he only filled my glass more, pushed me back and started a friendly discussion, only to start again. So then I pretended that I was getting sick in my stomach from the alcohol and had to vomit in the bathroom (another huge turn off for him).

So after that he went back to "friendly mode" and started "nobody should know about this, I thought you knew where this was going, I gave you drinks and had music on, but I'm so stupid, I should have known this, don't tell your fiance, let's go for a walk, the air will help you". So we went out, sat on a bench, he joked a lot, tried to be all friendly again, said what a great person I am, that he will see me at school on Monday again (I was 24 at the time and he was around 28), then he put me on the bus and went home. I told my fiance right away and we went to the police.

But another suggestion I have: Write down everything that happened that day, exactly as you remember it. Every detail, from the moment you entered the apartment to getting back home. It will help you clear your thoughts and it's also a way of letting it out.

[WildChild]

I'm really sorry you had this experience but you have to be able to own your responsibility and actions to ensure you don't get into a similar situation again.

Let me see if I have this straight;
you went willingly, alone with this guy
he is engaged to your freind
you are engaged to another man
he told you take off your clothes and you did
you agreed to sex with him - knowing that both of you are engaged to others
when it hurt and you told him it hurt - he didn't stop

No doubt he was out of line.

I don't think whether you've been assaulted is the really big question.
Do you have an open relationship?
If not, why on earth did you put yourself in this posistion? Are you in the habit of doing what ever a man tells you to? I'm not understanding why you engaged in behavior that led to intercourse. You took your clothes off. You agreed to intercourse. Why?

It sounds like you aren't very sexually experienced and have trouble with boundaries. How are you at telling freinds no for something? Are you often imposed upon to do things you don't really want to or have time for? This is something that can negatively affect every aspect of your life and you need to deal with it. Why were you so aquiecent? I don't want to lessen what he did - it was wrong but so was what you did. You can't rely on others always doing what is right, you can't be passive about what you do or don't do. Not making a choice, is a choice. Not clearly setting boundries for yourself allows others to set them.

If you wanted to have sex with this man and actively pursued that end and then he over stepped and hurt you, that is one thing. It sounds more like you went into some sort of passive, do whatever you are told mode and that is scary. You need to take a good look at what is going on that you would do this. If you don't correct this you are going to find yourself in similar situations again, if not sexual, then financial, employment, abuse and every other part of life. A good counselor could be a great help with this.
Consider this situation a wake up call?