[Ashlee T.]

In your relationship, or in previous relationships, do you find yourself being more of the leader or the follower? Are there distinct roles in your relationship? I.E. You're always the follower and he's always the leader

If you do take one of these distinct roles in your relationships, how does that work out for you? Are you happy in the role you're in, is your partner happy?

I'm the leader. He's the follower. 99% of the time. I'm forever wishing he'd be more of a leader. And probably if I knew the truth, he's wishing I was more of a follower.

I can see where two leaders could end up together and make it work, but hard to imagine two followers ending up together and having a good healthy relationship.

What do you all think? Are you a leader or a follower?

[sourpuss]

hmm.. interesting. When I'm single, I'm definitely a leader. I spend a lot of time alone, doing exactly what I want. I'm very independent and self sufficient. To the point one time my mom asked me "Don't you even want a boyfriend?" I guess I'm just really good on my own.
But in my relationship, I'm definitely a follower. Which I don't like. It makes me grumpy and unhappy. It's my own struggle and not the fault of the people I date, but something I definitely need to work on. I think my independence is what attracts the guys I date in the first place, then I tend to just go along with whatever they're doing. It's not good for either.

[LanaBear]

I don't know... I think we are pretty even, we've always been pretty equal where that is concerned. He's your typical headstrong man and paves his own way, I'm a control freak hard headed pain in the butt that plows my own way. Arguments are always interesting between us.

There are places where we give and take. I do 95% of the planning on things because that's what I do and if I don't do it, I'll find something to complain about. He handles all the 'man' stuff, I guess, vehicles, home maintenance, all that kind of stuff.

I've kind of figure out a while ago, that I think all my crazy control freak tendencies and the need to be in control of everything, work related too, makes the desire to be completely submissive and a total follower in bed most of the time. I think in general that I want him to have the upper hand there, I'll do it at times, but most of the time he leads.

[Joey]

ooooo this is a good question!

I think with the relationship I am in at the moment we are near enough equal. My ex was definitly a follower - which after a few months i couldnt stand.

[xxdanniixx]

hey all
i duno really i would like to look at my self as a leader i think im abit of both in my relationship... i mean i do all the shopping to sorting out the bills an cleaning ect. i dont make rules we just seem to work together i think lol i do what i want without asking i mean within reason im very independent! and its the way i like it coz if out was to happen then i would be uset to doing everything myself i mean we all have arguments and when we do they are very vocal lets just say we are both very strong minded people who dont give in easy well i can be very stubbon if i know im right i wont back down. i sopose i do it all apart from he drives so when we go out or away thats for him to arrange. and he has the lead when it comes to the bedroom department lol overall i would think of myself a leader. xxdanniixx

[lushley666]

I am a follower - I wait for him to make arrangements to see me and fit in around him - not happy about it but it's my choice - he doesnt make any demands and is really easy going - my world evolves around him and it's not always a good feeling....

[Ashlee T.]

For those of you that consider yourselves followers, why do you think this is the case? Do you think you get in a relationship and just sort of lose yourself into him/her? Do you think your partner wishes you were more of a leader?

I think about things like this alot. In a previous relationship I was a follower. Although he was more passive, he was the leader. Sort of an odd combination there. He didn't mind being the leader, but he did want me to step up sometimes and make plans or iniate sex and just sort of take charge. It's in my nature to be a leader, but at that time I had not established my own identity yet, had not fully established my self confidence yet. Now, in my current relationship I'm totally the leader and he's totally the follower. And I often wonder if 5 years down the road he will look back and think the same thing I thought about my past relationship having not fully established my identity and self confidence.

I think it's great to recognize what role you "fit" into in your relationship. If you're like Lana and it's a happy medium, that's ideal. Otherwise, I think both people in the relationship are secretely or even not so secretely wishing their partner would take a bit of the other path. For instance, my guy is always willing to help, and will be a part of anything I want him to. But I have never heard him come up with something on his own that I could "follow" along and be a part of. We have experienced a disastrous flood nearby that doesn't seem to be getting much media attention or help from anyone outside their state (Tennessee). In his profession (cop), I thought maybe he'd feel compelled to get some of his squad together and do something to help. A week after the flood, he hasn't even mentioned it once. So I brought it up yesterday, about volunteer opportunities and asked if his squad had considered doing anything. 20 minutes later he writes back and says "We should go help..." as if it was HIS idea. But me, I'm well aware that he would have never thought of it on his own. He's more than willing to go help, it would make him feel really good inside, but he'd never do it, or coordinate something like that on his own. As the leader in the relationship, that's a great example of how it would have been SO INCREDIBLY attractive to me if he had showed concern, coordinated something on his own to go volunteer, or take up items to help, etc.

In my case, I know he might, but I really don't think he wishes I was more of a follower, because that would force him to be more of a leader.

So if YOU are a follower in your relationship, and as some of you have said, are truly not happy being the follower, have you really thought about WHY you're following? What keeps you from being more of a leader?

[lushley666]

I really dont know - I think its a lack of confidence - fear of losing your partner. I wrap my world around him, do lots for him hoping that with all these things I do he will think he couldnt cope without me but the reality is that he could! So really I am wasting my time and energy! Feel a bit of a *** now

[kygirl]

I would say I'm pretty close to Lana in this one. I've been both. I don't like being the leader ALL the time BUT I also don't deal well with being expected to follow all the time. For me either situation breeds resentment on my part. I'd say I'm happy with either role as long as it's in the 40-60 percent of the time, but I tend to be a control freak and want to make sure things get done, plans get made, etc.

Currently we're probably me 65% leader and him 35% leader except in the bedroom. I think his willingness to take charge there offsets his casual attitude in other areas for me.

[KMonte85]

I'm the leader in our relationship, for sure. I basically decide what the plans are for the weekend, where we should go out to eat or what should be for dinner, home renovation stuff, etc. Which is odd considering my boyfriend is a leader in his work life, as a fire chief and an independent semi mechanic, but not so much personally. Maybe he makes too many plans and decisions at work that he'd rather leave the relationship and home stuff to me?

Fine by me, because I'm an organizer/planner/control freak by nature - so I am JUST PEACHY taking the lead. I might give him some options he can choose from, but even then I've narrowed down the activity. And I know he'll tell me if he doesn't like something, so I don't worry about resentment - its not like he doesn't have an opinion, he just knows that if he doesn't speak up we're going to do what I planned.