[Kaystrwbry42]

been together for 10 months
starting living together this month
he drinks at least 3 times a week and usually drinks too much
he will drink several days in a row
he loves me I can feel it but he's hurting me

when I tried to talk to him he told me I wasn't letting him be hisself
I was preventing his freedom
he doesn't know how he comes off to me when I hear him puking in the bathroom and he lies saying he just had to pee
it hurts me


What do I do?

this is a bad time when we're just moving in and trying to commit to one another
shouldn't he care more about himself and us?

[Mes T]

Has he been a drinker all 10 months?

If so, then there's probably not much you can do to change such an ingrained behavior. HE has to want to change, and you can't force him.

My advice would be to leave him, if this problem is really affecting you, and find someone who doesn't binge drink several times a week.

[grrrr]

I love Mes_T, but I don't know if I agree.

I'm married to a "recovering" alcoholic. It's not easy, that's for sure. It's a "two fold" - are you willing to do the work and go through everything? Is HE willing to even start some sort therapy or AA? It's not something that you can do alone - and it's certainly not something that he can do alone.

I'm not saying that it's a "choice" - but it can be, in a strange way. If you want to help him, and you're willing and able to do so, you have to make BIG life decisions. You have to change the way that you view your daily life. I know that it sounds lame, but you really have to embrace YOUR life. When you do, everything else will fall into place. Again, LAME sounding.

[Hopeless Dork]

He should be very concerned for his own health if he is vomiting every single day from the amount of alchohol he's taking in. He must be drinking an insanely high amount more than his body is capable of handeling to lead to him to physical illness every time he does it.

Liver damage can be acute as well as a long term side affect of alchohol abuse. He could go into acute renal failure if he's not careful and constantly binging to the point of puking... so you have a reason for genuine concern if he is making himself sick on a daily basis. Not to mention how all that vomitting will wreak havoc on his esophagus and teeth in the same way that happens to persons with bulimia.

Thing is... he's not going to stop unless he wants to. Does he have a job? Is he able to work and/or go to school or maintain a normal life at all with his habit?

Is there a way he could reduce the amount of days he drinks or reduce the amount he drinks in a day? You would think he would learn at some point when to stop before he makes himself throw up from it. It just seems so strange.

But either way, you can tell him how concerned you are for his health talk about the vomitting and how it worries you. Ask him why he feels he has to drink to total inhialation every day... surely he can't be happy about getting sick all the time?!

[Kaystrwbry42]

we're in college and he'll drink on weekends and have wine with dinner during the week. During the school year it wasn't a problem.
Just now.
Just when we start living together.
It doesn't seem like him anymore. I look through old notes we've written and I just want him back again. I want to convince him that this isn't just going out with friends that this is tearing us up.

[Kaystrwbry42]

H... surely he can't be happy about getting sick all the time?!

I haven't seen him puke the entire 10 months of our relationship til tonight but I have seen him get drunk. I'm fine when its occasional as it does not disturb his daily life or our relationship but currently we're just moving in together and I find it ridiculous that he is drinking more and more frequently. and has the guts to tell me that I'm not letting him be himself when I bring it up as a problem.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Peer pressure? College pressure? Financial pressure?

You have to ask him why he feels that he needs to get drunk to the point of puking.

But without him feeling that your acting like a Mother.

Maybe try looking through an old photo album and have a glass of wine or a beer with him and laugh, belly laugh at some of them, together, and then ask him...

CW

[caterpillar79]

I don't think it is going to be healthy for you both to live together if he is not in control of his alcohol consumption. You will end up a co-dependent if you are not careful. Try talking to him and see if he is willing to get help or join AA. You could steer clear of him to give him some room to think for a while. His subconscious could be telling him something that he fails to recognize up to now. Sorry for what you are experiencing.

I don't know what others would say, but a man once told me, "an alcoholic is going to be an alcoholic through life", I agree and disagree with his statement, but I do believe that once a person is determined to change and improve himself, he is set to succeed. I hope you can be/are there when this happens to him.

[sourpuss]

Given his age, it's probably just a phase. I think most of us 'partied' when we were in college. But that doesn't mean you have to stick around and hope that he gets it out of his system. Don't enable him by going out and drinking with him, that will only set the tone that it's ok. Don't try to get him to stop, that will only make it seem like you're trying to control him. Do let him know that you don't like it, that you think it's bad for him and that it's affecting you negatively. If he wants to make it work with you, he'll find a balance between you and his friends. If he doesn't, then that says something about his level of commitment.

Definitely don't allow yourself to be sucked into a codependent situation though. Tell him how you feel, give him time to work on the relationship and then have the strength to stand up for yourself if it doesn't work.

[pretzel]

Given his age, it's probably just a phase. I think most of us 'partied' when we were in college. But that doesn't mean you have to stick around and hope that he gets it out of his system. Don't enable him by going out and drinking with him, that will only set the tone that it's ok. Don't try to get him to stop, that will only make it seem like you're trying to control him. Do let him know that you don't like it, that you think it's bad for him and that it's affecting you negatively. If he wants to make it work with you, he'll find a balance between you and his friends. If he doesn't, then that says something about his level of commitment.

Definitely don't allow yourself to be sucked into a codependent situation though. Tell him how you feel, give him time to work on the relationship and then have the strength to stand up for yourself if it doesn't work.

I was going to say something similar, it's college and it's a life in and of itself.

However you now have a vested interest in this. I can only assume (and I believe I may have said as much) that this was his decision just as much as yours to move in together and take the relationship to a new level. With that comes new responsibilities. Just because it's college and he has his friends he wants to party with doesn't excuse him.

Better to resolve this now before you're further into this. You may not necessarily like the solution, but is it worth the continued heartache? I doubt it.