[CHANDLERS WISH]

What I DO know is that he had a crappy relationship with his mother growing up. She was never present and absolutely judgmental. She was essentially emasculating and castrating as a mother. This is what is manifesting itself in having slept with these women

My ex-husband had a simular up-bringing only it was with his grandmother. It did not turn my ex to sleep with women, use them for one night, or for sex, and then rid of them as they meant nothing. It did the opposite, he still held onto his values, that being that women would not get the chance to use his thing, in order to get off, that is how he saw it.

But, it did make him controlling. And, your boyfriend has admitted this to you, that is his way.

Little is correct.

The day I married this man is the day he started controlling, all else was hidden until the ring was firmly on that finger and vows taken.

From that day, the emotional abuse commenced, which is a form of control, your mine.

From that day, I noted that all women were tarts, every magazine I bought home, the cover, he'd comment on... they were all tarts.. Yet in public, he would embrase all women and make them feel as if he was such a great guy.. Behind closed doors another thing...

Needless to say he is my ex.

A person will hide behind himself/herself...

He also mentioned feeling lonely sometimes, he also mentioned feeling bad about himself and needing to feel good by doing this

He took what he wanted, feeling as if, it's okay, it's not emotional, he used, then left, it was one time with each woman... Lonliness is not an excuse, buy a dog. If he feels bad about himself, then he has baggage, issues to deal with, and he needs help to release the pain that was caused, as a child, from his Mother...

This is deep and not something you can take lightly... And, controlling people do NOT like to lose.

CW

[SueEllen]

I agree and a controlling man with major issues like this is not one I want to be with. The thing is that I also understand having major issues and have fought hard to get over them and think people, if they want, can change. I guess I am not the type of person who would not support someone who wants to recover from whatever crazy stuff our parents passed on to us (I know I have and I know it can be done).

After talking to my therapist we decided on a plan of action that I feel comfortable with right now. Basically, I choose not to talk to him and choose him out of my life for now until he proves himself otherwise. That is all I can give and take right now. I have an incredible hole inside me and don't know how to deal with it. I want to heal and move on from this pain. I guess I should focus on that now.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sorry SueEllen, I know it hurts when we establish that what we had isn't what we have afterall.

Your therapist has given you grand advice.

And, only time will tell how far he is willing to go to keep you in his life.

I hope he gets the help he needs, to rid of the baggage he's been carrying around for so long and in that, gains an understanding of how important people are, and himself, and therefore you.

Best wishes.

CW

[Little]

I'm glad you have talked over your options with a lot of people, especially a therapist, and made a strong decision.
Just as a drunk mouth speaks a sober mind, an angry mouth speaks the truth.
I have a few exes who seemed like really nice guys, until they got angry. They had a tendency to try to walk away, but if they didn't some truly cruel things came out of their mouths. It took me a while to realize that those things they "didn't mean" were the things they really meant the most.
Anybody can change. The thing is, they really have to want to. By distancing yourself for now, you can give him the best reason to change - to better himself FOR himself and interact better with everything around him. With that distance, you don't have to wonder if he's lying anymore, is he cheating anymore, is he really changed or just putting up a front. You don't have to stress over his actions anymore, and you can focus on your own actions and choices.
It's very hard to break it off with somebody who you love, and I know it hurts a lot ... but you were strong enough to make this decision for your own good, and you are strong enough to get through the pain.

[SueEllen]

Thank you.

[W6mum]

I feel for you I really do. Please do the brave thing and do not forgive what is a multiple and gross breach of trust. You deserve so much better. You'll always be looking over your shoulder into the future. The pain I feel most for male and female friends alike is when they go back to someone who has done this sort of thing and then the behaviour inevitably repeats itself. The question I think you should ask yourself is, given his psychological tendencies, do you think you could handle being married to him and for this to occur? Putting a ring on his finger won't suddenly turn off his impulses (which clearly he acts upon).

Weepy movie, a large tub of icecream, and lick your wounds before reinvesting in the things that make you interesting and fun and will inevitably draw the right kind of man to you in the future. so so sorry

[Little]

Thread is over a year old. Closed.