[missbrandi]

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years now. I truely love him and I know he does also. we have grown alot over these four years and I have learned to compromise with him and vice versa. But now I am at the point where I am looking to be married soon but I know I can't rush him but I asked him about it and I basically was asking when did he think it would be or how long and what more did he need to see from me. Well he said that he is not ready right now and he knows that I am the best but he wants to have no doubts about it before he does it. See he was married before and he's like I thought she was going to do right and you see where that got me (she cheated on him and did him wrong while he was away with the marines in Iraq). So he says that he is afraid to make a move too soon like he did before. I just don't know how I should take it or even if I am wasting my time here. I mean like with casual conversations he mentions things like when we get married or I am going to do so and so for you when we get married and you know you are not going to work and our kids this and that. Those are the type things he says so it makes me think that that is what he wants us to be. Help me here someone.......give me advice...

[sourpuss]

Well, if he doesn't have a clue after 4 years, I'd say that's a bad sign.
It's one thing to not know after a year or two, but 4, I think you know one another well enough to at least have a serious conversation. How long are you willing to wait for him to make up his mind? That's the question you have to ask yourself. Also, do you NEED to be married to have a fulfilling relationship with him?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well he said that he is not ready right now and he knows that I am the best but he wants to have no doubts about it before he does it.

At least he can kind of communicate with you, that's a good start.. Sometimes they need an awakening, you are you aren't you? You are not her. Things happen in life, and unfortunately that brings baggage into the next relationship.

Sourpuss brings a good point as well... " do you NEED to be married to be happy with him?

I think it's your fear of "4 years" but the fact that he mentions things, to do with "married life" means he "wants" to finally be married and know it's forever but has a fear, what if? I can't fail twice.

It's hard for anyone to fail, but what they don't realise is it's not failure it's non-compatibilty and so, it ends...

When in my opinion, a person "knows" they both know... It's perfect, you hang on to each other's word, never get enough of each other and I don't mean 'just sex' I mean, missing each other.

If you don't have that, then you need to have date nights, you need to laugh, have fun and you need to "see" each other for that is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Not, it's been 4 years, when?

You love him, I get that.

What do you love?

What things do you both do that you laugh over, with each other?

Is there anything missing you wish you could bring back? Or him?

I am asking this because if there is nothing, good, if you answer with things, then there is a reason why your not there yet, but you can be.

CW

[missbrandi]

Well, if he doesn't have a clue after 4 years, I'd say that's a bad sign.
It's one thing to not know after a year or two, but 4, I think you know one another well enough to at least have a serious conversation. How long are you willing to wait for him to make up his mind? That's the question you have to ask yourself. Also, do you NEED to be married to have a fulfilling relationship with him?

No, I don't need to be married to be happy with him at all.

[missbrandi]

At least he can kind of communicate with you, that's a good start.. Sometimes they need an awakening, you are you aren't you? You are not her. Things happen in life, and unfortunately that brings baggage into the next relationship.

Sourpuss brings a good point as well... " do you NEED to be married to be happy with him?

I think it's your fear of "4 years" but the fact that he mentions things, to do with "married life" means he "wants" to finally be married and know it's forever but has a fear, what if? I can't fail twice.

It's hard for anyone to fail, but what they don't realise is it's not failure it's non-compatibilty and so, it ends...

When in my opinion, a person "knows" they both know... It's perfect, you hang on to each other's word, never get enough of each other and I don't mean 'just sex' I mean, missing each other.

If you don't have that, then you need to have date nights, you need to laugh, have fun and you need to "see" each other for that is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Not, it's been 4 years, when?

You love him, I get that.

What do you love?

What things do you both do that you laugh over, with each other?

Is there anything missing you wish you could bring back? Or him?

I am asking this because if there is nothing, good, if you answer with things, then there is a reason why your not there yet, but you can be.

CW

Yes, we definitely have more than sexual feelings and love for one another. We have been through alot of ups and downs. And I guess he is right because he was like yes we've been together for four years but the first two years we butted heads a whole lot because of my spoil and selfish ways and his work schedules and what nots so we were always breaking up off and on the first two years. He was like these last two years we just recently have truely learned one another and I think we both have more learning to do. Because it is really hard in a relationship with him because of how much he works and so we don't get to go out as much as I would like and that what I was saying earlier about us learning to compromise with one another and to be satisfied with the time we have. I guess it is more so me thinking that I should be married by a certain time. But he definitely is thinking on that level about us because we constantly have conversations on the when you become my wife level. So I do think I need to just contunue to grow with him and just be patient. Because I don't want to scare him away.

[missbrandi]

Plus he is the best catch I mean he is a Great man he works sooo hard and he will be a great provider. He's a good father to his daughter and he is great with my daughter also. He does the small things for me that most guys these days don't even think about he still opens the door for me, takes my coat, etc. Thats what I love and cherish is the type of man he is and his character and I never have to worry about all the lies and cheating with him like other guys.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well, I think you have your answer then

Two people "need" to be on the same page, but don't mix that up with you doing ALL the compromising, just so that you don't lose him missbrandi.

It does seem that he can communicate quite well and it does seem that he treats you well.

Your spoilt and selfish ways. This is where I mean don't do ALL the compromising.

Obviously you wanted more time and now you've sacrificed, that's a good thing. But, did he sacrifice too? Or, is he trying to "make a wife?"....

CW

[missbrandi]

Well, I don't do All of the compromising he has also hes come a long way. Now he makes the time for us to be together on his off days before his other job and when hes at the fire station he has me to come to the station to sit and talk with him when they aren't busy with calls. I definitely understand what you saying not to loose myself in it while trying t make things work for us and I don't see myself doing that

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Just checking

Then your both building a foundation to work with and have come to a point where it's working.

So, I would just keep working towards that union of being happy together, laughing together, trusting each other, communicating and compromising and see where your at in another 12 months.

It seems to be working, so you know the saying, "if it's not broken, don't fix it"....

[missbrandi]

Thanks so much, that's what I will do!!