[Fae30]

I'm new and I'm not sure if this is spot in the forum to post this or not. Sorry if this isn't the place... I thought about writing this in the blog-thingy on here. But I am wary of new type of blogs, at first. Part of my own paranoia with new forums. Heehee. :-)

Anyways... it's almost 5:30am here, as I write this... I feel the need to vent on some thoughts on my mind. Mostly about my past relationship, an ex boyfriend. My mother, sister, and friends are tired of hearing about this particular ex... I can't blame them! I vented with them so much, I often have the need to, but it's the same thing over and over. No matter how many times I speak it or move on with other things in my life... it seems my broken heart keeps bleeding still over it. :-/

Last year, in September, my ex and I broke up with each other after an year relationship. It was long distance, as he lived eight hours away from me. I only heard his voice on the phone, exchanged pics with him on the net, and we sent each other gifts using the all handy postal office. We had plan to meet, in a very dorky setting, an Japanese animation convention... dressed in geeky gear, which would have been great.... but at the last moment, he made up an excuse for me to not meet him or travel to his city. The reason why... the whole time, he was being dishonest. His mother and family was wondering why he didn't have a girlfriend or could ever keep one, even wondering if he was gay. Instead of coming out of the closet, he choose me quickly, and I was his unknown "beard". Meanwhile, I took him as seriously caring for me and I stayed faithful, turning down guys who lived in my city left and right, proudly claiming, "I'm taken!". As I did that, he was hiding the fact that he was really an gay man, claiming to be "bisexual" and "asexual", asking that if we met that I not try to hug him or touch him.

I wish I could say this is the worst that he kept hidden, but no... He also had a fetish of being "furry-yiff", that is to say, he was in the process of purchasing a $2,800 fur-suit. Which I assumed was for our geeky meeting at the anime convention, but he then confessed to me that he was gay and had no interests in being in a relationship or meeting me. AND that the fur-suit was for him to have sex with other gay men who are Furry-yiff. This rattled my world to the core, as he asked that we still be friends anyways. I tried for a few days, but told him simply, "I need a break!" And that's when he decided to break all contact off from me, which I could care less about... but he let his friends attack me in emails, claiming me to be the villain for wanting a break and not understanding HIS feelings in all of this, until I had to block them. :-(

Worse thing yet, had I knew he was gay, I never would have fallen in love with him or entertain a romantic relationship with him at the start. I would have been his friend, like he wished in the end, and he would be one of the many gay friends that I have. And if I knew he was furry-yiff, no matter if he was gay or straight, I sure as heck would have NEVER gotten into a relationship with him! That's a little too freaky for me! I believe that people should be into whatever fetish they want, as long as it's not pedophilia or break the bound of consenting adults. But for me personally, I'm not interested in Furry-yiff and never will be! :-o

He was not honest with me, to the extreme... and I was left so confused, dizzy, angry, upset, and broken hearted.... It's been almost an year, since the break up and his confessions to me happened. And I still haven't gotten back into dating and doubt that I will any time soon. In a way, it gives me time to focus on my own issues and to better myself, before my next relationship. But I do wonder... when will the pain of what the ex did go away? And when will I ever feel safe again to trust another? I feel stuck and untrusting still and I wonder if I'll ever date again. :-/

Well... that is my venting. :-)

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It's not venting you actually have questions, and the answer is you lived in a fantasy of something you dearly want, romance which is actually real, however, you viewed this as real, a long distance relationship but had never met him.. It was a dream to be real for you, to have someone speak the language you wanted to hear, and in that, THAT is what you can not get over...

You had closure, he stated he was gay and had no intentions. That broke your heart because you thought it was real.

But, your dream was shattered and you so wanted to believe it was real.

Now you fear and won't walk the walk.

Well, not at all...

What you don't want to do is put your heart and soul into someone you have never, ever, met and believe in that fairytale, you need to see black is black and white is white and nothing is real until proven.

So in that I suggest you stay clear of "internet dating" .. and focus on believing you are worth that love and he was a lier, he was not real, he made stories, he did give you a scence of it can happen and in that, it can.. that is true.

But, you listened to writing, to words.

Not a person in real, in the flesh.

So now you know that the only way to find, is to be together and see.

Not over this thing called an internet site where people can be dishonest.

Now you know that you will not be "sucked in again" so get angry instead, stop following the dreamy belief of what he pretended and therefore your non trust.

Meet people in person and you will find what you are after.

CW

[Fae30]

Yeah, that makes sense... all of it. :-)
Thanks, CW!

I know for sure that I'll never try internet dating ever again. And after this happened, I did resolve to never date a guy long distance again, not in that way. It would have to be someone I met in person first, then he went away for military or job reason... something like that. :-/

But, I have dated plenty offline and have a handful of exes, people who I've seen in person and felt their touch, and so on. After not finding anyone compatible and being lied to before, I thought I would try out this "internet dating" thing... It did seem real, as we talked on the phone, not just text. And sent each other real gifts, via snail mail. I did crave to meet him, and saved up my money for the trip to his city and for the convention, he didn't have to pay a thing! Oh, and I should mention that he was the one to ask me to be his girlfriend first and insisted on this trip to meet also. I suffer from anxiety disorder, so leaving my city was a huge deal! I turned him down for the meeting, about seven times, but he was so insisting that he wanted to see me that I agreed. But, I guess he never thought I would actually get the money together to meet him and he panicked. For him, it was all play... I was used an excuse to get his mother and family to stopping asking, "why are you always alone?" For me, it was real, and I did get suckered. :-/

Anyways... when I think about trying out dating again (NEVER online, not ever again!), I get scared off and think that it's better for me to be alone, for the rest of my life. I feel comfortable staying alone, rather than trying to trust another guy, yet again. I fear that I may run the next guy ragged, as he tries to break through the mistrust and walls that I've built, after the last guy. :-/

[CHANDLERS WISH]

After not finding anyone compatible and being lied to before, I thought I would try out this "internet dating" thing...

But, sweet, understand it's not "where" it is about knowing who you are, and what you "won't accept...

Yes, I can tell you at my age, that internet dating is alot of baggage but so is a normal meet, just see if they have baggage or ready to have a relationship

I just think most on internet dating having done that Are, people that are seeking just someone, anyone, as they are lonely or lying to get what they can get, that's my findings.

I met my guy accidentally as it should be, a time, a talk, a connection and so it was.

I also spent $$$ travelled but the bond was not there.

Don't think you "can't date" it's not better to be alone, your just scared, go on dates, and see if there is an attraction "other than chemistry" join groups, hobbies, things, friends parties.. and be yourself always

It's okay to be alone I was for like 3 years, after separation.. work on you, then there will be no no-trust alternatively I know who I am, I am cool, classy, and I know what I have learnt, experienced, want, are you it?

x

[Fae30]

Oh, I see. I think. lol. It's not where I date, but what kind of person I am?
Well, I know for a fact who I am, what I stand for, what I'm into, what I'm not. I'm pretty much secure in knowing who I am as a person and what I want/expect within a relationship. Not only what I want/expect from others, but what I want/expect of myself too. :-)

And I don't hide it from others, especially from those I date, my true and honest self. I'm pretty much blunt and straight-forward, which some people view me as the "b" word for it, but I'm just being myself and honest. So, this ex knew exactly that I wasn't treating this "relationship" as something fake or playing or settling for the sake of it... He knew that I was serious, as I told him I would take it seriously and wasn't interested in playing games, from the very start. Though, he thought to take advantage of that, to meet his own ends.

But beyond him... I'm not in a situation where I don't know who I am, truly. I have been there before, in my younger years, my late teens to early twenties... But, I've long figured out who I am and I'm at peace with my overall personality and soul. But, that's not my issue... the issue is, trusting myself to not be taken advantage of, being lied to (in extreme ways, not just a little fib here and there), or being abused by another. I know there is no guarantees, whenever a person puts their heart out there into a new relationship, there is always an risk of getting hurt. But my main issue, right now, is trust... I can't seem to make that leap and try again, for fear that I'll just get smashed again. As I said before, he was not the first one to lie and hide himself like that... just was the first one to not do so to my face. LOL!

I think maybe that's what hurts the most... that he caused such a ruckus in my life and wasn't even present to do so, like my other exes... :-o

But, I understand what you're saying... that love should be accidentally, by fate, or whatever people call it these days.
However, this ex was by accident... I need to make clear, I went with the idea of internet dating, but I didn't meet him on a dating site. I met him, by accident, on a forum for Japanese animation (anime). I was not looking to date anyone, at the time, just there to chat about anime. It was him who decided to take our harmless chats about anime to a new level, asking me to be his girlfriend, then asking for my number and home address, telling his friends and family about me, bragging about me to his co-workers, and then lastly begging me to meet him at an convention. I should have and could have said no... in fact, my first instinct was to do that, as I have little faith in long distance relationships. But I got caught up in the idea of romance and having (what I thought was!) an like-minded connection. :-/

If I ever do date again... which I honest can't see that happening for many years yet... I do hope it will be an accident that isn't like the last guy... or the guy before him, either. The rest were set-ups and blind dates, but so far... two accidental meetings that lead to a relationship, one in person and one not, went so very bad. :-/

Sorry, I don't mean to be argumentative.... I'm sure you're right in your point. But, I can't see what you see... :-o

[Fae30]

Ahh! And also, I'm sorry if I seem like I have an chip on my shoulder too... I didn't mean for that last post to sound like that. LOL! I do thank you and appreciate you taking the time to give me some feedback... even in my own stubbornness, I'm still taking heed of what you've posted. ;-)

And you're right... I am scared.... A LOT. I have issues with trust still, which I am working on, but it's going to take time. So many of my claims of staying alone, for the rest of my life, is my current knee-jerk reaction with my own mistrust in people. It goes a lot deeper than just with romantic relationships too... Though, I'm still open to and trying with friendships still. Just the door to dating is shut tight. And that is what I wonder about sometimes... will it stay that way forever? I don't want it to, but it seems stuck that way. :-o

[BabyGirl]

Please to not listen to my adivce ( wholeheartedly) as my wings are broke and my broomstick is fairly new to me .. ( Not Joking here )

But I would just write him a txt or letter or facebook.. ( We know you keep up on what he's doing )

But, I would tell him that you were a Male Polar Bear in your last life and now that the Hibernation of your Internet "Loving" is over you are Going to become the Beautiful Female Human Being that you are..... and that you are Going to be a Female in your New life that only wears the " Furr" that we are given. By Nature .......

Then I would ( since you may have his home address ) Pay for a year of a Alaska Lonley Gay Mens Magazine " HOT GUYS !!!

Or buy a Calendar of Firefights of NY or other sites.. With fur bearing animals . And since he's into Anime, Maybe Panda bears would be better ??

Then I would Take a good look at myself, determine why I am on this broomstick.
As Broomsticks are for Sweeping away Dirt . ( me too now, thats why I am flying, I'n notat an angle
that I can soar above the clouds and still find the landing field ....


YET, working on it though Thanks to the support of this site.

[Fae30]

Ha! No, no, no.... I thank you for your input, HisBabyGirl...

But, I DON'T keep up with what he is doing, I completely stay out of his life. My exes stay exed, and only are present in thought and memory... I don't do the stalking thing and have no urge to. I am not friends with his friends or spy on him on FB. He never stuck around to get my new cellphone number, before the break, so no txting. That's a bit too pathetic for me, to reach back and to follow an ex! I'm very prideful in that way. ;-)

Also, I wouldn't buy him a blessed thing or even hand this guy a rock that I picked off the street for free! In fact, if I ever did meet him face to face by accident, seeing him on the streets by some chance, I'm more liable to kick him in the jewels for all the trouble that he had caused me. Then, I guess I would feel that we were even, moving on a lot better and still not speaking with him. I'm also the vengeful type, at heart too... one of my flaws. :-/

HOWEVER, you may be onto something there, about me being a male polar bear! Or the essence of one, anyways (I personally don't believe that I was anything but human, in my past life). I am quite aggressive, which I try to work on that and become more feminine, but I do struggle with being "girly"... it's just not me. I think maybe you're picking up on what I usually don't shout around to random strangers, only to those I date and close friends... that I am Bisexual. Not sure if that has anything to do with my masculine nature or not. But there is a theory, I am Scorpio, which is a sign of both masculinity and femininity. So maybe that's it? Either way, no matter the reason, it's me and I love me and I'm not changing that core part of me for ANYONE.

What I do need to do is work on my trust issues... and finding closure to my past hurts and bad relationships. I am taking the opportunity NOW, as I'm not dating and have the time to be alone and face myself, to figure out my issues and seek help for that. For the purpose of this post, I was just venting out some worries is all. I often do that, worry about the future before it gets to that time, while my hands are still in the "cookie jar" of the present! :-)

As for being on a broomstick (taking that as a metaphor), you're quite right! I am on a "broomstick" of sorts, and I know full well why I am on it, yet don't want to be there! Knowing the "why" is easy, but trying and trusting to dismount the broom is tricker! ;-)

Love that part, "As Broomsticks are for Sweeping away Dirt", because that's SO the truth! LOL! Thanks! :-)

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Then I would Take a good look at myself, determine why I am on this broomstick.
As Broomsticks are for Sweeping away Dirt . ( me too now, thats why I am flying, I'n notat an angle
that I can soar above the clouds and still find the landing field ....

CW's signature

Women are Angels
And when someone breaks our wings....
We simply continue to fly.........on a broomstick...
We are flexible like that ....
White Witch.

Apart from laughing, and loving your idea of what she should do to this man, well the quotation of taking your broomstick? Well you could use it actually in so many other ways, I think the stick itself would really hurt

We are flexible, we are angels, as we have hearts, we have emotions, we grieve, and at some point we move on and try again, whereas, in my opinion, men, maintain, pain, baggage especially when hit in the pocket, the next woman has absolutely no chance of ever being equal

Glad you both see that we can use that broomstick and you are right, one thing it's good for is sweeping away the rubbish

I am scared.... A LOT. I have issues with trust still, which I am working on, but it's going to take time.

But, madam, that is something earnt. That is something that time shows. And, there is nothing you can do about it. It's good that you know who you are, where you are going and that you won't settle. It's good that you take risks, chances, dream. Long distance is hard because words are words, we all can write them, how many posts have I done? But, am I the same in real life? Can I sit in front of you and say all of this? Actually yes I can, cause I am me, but you get what I am saying.

In the real world, you can see body language, you can see reactions, you can gage the honesty, you can see the little gestures, feel the love or "not:" and so, you can work out whether or not that person is worth persuing or otherwise, full of it....:P It's your heart you have to watch. Nothing wrong with holding back and finding first, before trusting and giving it. Let them prove it then at least you can feel safe.

CW

[Fae30]

Yes, there is plenty I could do with that broomstick on him. LOL! ;-)

But, I understand what you're saying, CW! :-)
You are right! I guess, I have been looking at it all wrong, as I often try to earn the guy's trust and let him learn that I'm not just all talk, but I walk the walk too! I never thought of it the other way around before, that I should be looking for the same from him also. Letting him EARN my trust and prove that he can walk the walk. :-o
Actually, I realize now that all of my exes have been just TALK... besides the ONE and only guy from the net (the last furry-guy), the ones I have dated in the past were no picnic either and lied just as much in person... I had fell for the lines of "no, I'm faithful and girls tend to cheat on me!", "No, I have never been to jail..." then later, "Oh, I was in jail once... but it wasn't my fault!", or "No, I'm not looking for just sex, I want a real relationship." and so on... These were all guys that I have dated in person only and they didn't even own a computer, I saw their reactions face to face, some were close enough to me to hold my hand or hug me.... or grab my backside. BUT, I was so much into earning their trust that I am a faithful woman, that I am honest and upfront, and would never intentionally hurt them... that I now realize, that I have never once stop to let them prove if their words were true or false, for them to walk the walk. :-o

You ladies have been most helpful and have given me a lot to think of! I'm excited, because that is a new way of looking at things, for me. And it's very doable, I think. :-)
I know that you mean for me to not DO anything, CW, to let things happen as they may. But, I'm the type that if I'm not actively working on something in a change, then I get bored and then no change happens as I abandon the idea altogether!
I only let love happen on it's own... everything else, I'm always actively working on it. So I am working on my own issues too. ;-)